Music to Be Murdered By in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

What has been the highlight of this past week?

Last night I was on a date and it was incredibly boring, he was gorgeous but had the personality of a rice square. When he finally left, the guys at the bar let me put on a movie because they’re always avoiding letting me pick. So I put on Hellraiser and then curated music to go with it. It was actually really fun and was probably the most fun I’ve had doing something in a while. It reminded me of when Giorgio Moroder re-edited Metropolis but with music by Freddie Mercury and Deborah Harry instead of the original score.

Where did you grow up?

A small sleep town that was shortly swallowed up by the city next to it in an effort to marginalize the people of color in that city.

What kind of music are you into?

I like bits of everything, but I hate bits of everything, too. I have a whole Book dedicated to music so just read that.

If you could wake up tomorrow with one physical change, what would it be?

I wish my teeth hadn’t been smashed up when I was a toddler because it has made dental appointments very difficult all my life.

Do you have any hobbies?

That is the question on deck: what are my hobbies? Supposedly, the secret to long-lasting and satisfying relationships, romantic or otherwise, are bonding over shared interests. The problem is, I’m not interested in anything.

What is your favorite sport?

Badminton

Did you play any sports growing up?

Soccer, volleyball, roller hockey, badminton…

Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

I believe that those words have been so misused and misinterpreted that no matter how I answer the question, I will be misunderstood. If I don’t want to be around you, I won’t be around you… who gives a fuck if that’s introversion or extroversion?

If you only had one month left to live, how would you spend it?

Paris

Does your family have a “motto”?

My family isn’t literate enough to have one, so they’d probably pick some ridiculous Bible verse.

What is one thing you tried that you’ll never do again?

I’ve tried many things and will never do them again. One example is going to a rave.

What is the most exciting thing you can see out your kitchen window?

Not all of us have windows in our kitchens, check your privilege.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

I am a total early bird. In fact, the earlier in the morning it is, the better mood I will be in. Once it’s after lunchtime, the likelihood of me snapping at you, degrading you or belittling your family just increases exponentially. This is why most people who meet me after 8pm think I’m an asshole, because if they met me in the morning, they’d think I was Mary Fucking Poppins.

Which is more important – beauty, power, or money?

Look up intersectionality.

Do you have any siblings?

4 brothers, one sister… although my sister just got married a few days ago, so I guess I have a brother-in-law now.

What is your favorite season?

I’ve come to realize that seasons are a product of the location you’re in so there’s no real value in having a favorite.

Do you like cities or rural areas better?

I was raised in the country and I can be fine there, but I’ll be sedentary and probably whither. I prefer the city so I can at least strain for vitality.

What song reminds you of high school?

When this song came out, I hated it. As time has gone by, and my memory loss has become more acute, I understand the song and wish that I’d heeded the advice.

How would you survive a zombie apocalypse?

I’m so fucking sick of this zombie apocalypse bullshit. President Obama’s government came out with an official plan of action in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Fuck off. Stop putting effort and paying people to make plans about science fiction scenarios. There are people sleeping on the street, parents who can’t afford to feed their children, and people in real peril. Instead of making a plan about the fucking zombie apocalypse, make a plan to reverse President Reagan’s decision to close all the asylums, and start housing and caring for the mentally ill in a separate safe space. Make a plan to distribute benefits to the veterans who are suffering. Make a plan to address healthcare or whatever… Shut the fuck up about the zombie apocalypse. How are you going to survive bankruptcy? Or a return of Covid? Make plans that actually matter.

Have you ever disliked something and then changed your mind?

Oh absolutely, I’m at a point where I’ve learned that hating something is the first step to me becoming completely obsessed with it. There’s only been one exception. I hated Kid Rock in 2000 and I still hate him today. I did give him a chance because consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, but I was correct.

Do you think you can be friends with your colleagues?

I do, but I think in this particular work place, it can be difficult. The reasons for Westerners to choose living abroad are varied and often incompatible with one another. I’m here because I want to escape America and improve the lives of the wonderful, adorable young people that I have the pleasure of teaching. The guy next to me wants to bang ladyboys without actually having to engage with the idea that he might be something other than heterosexual.

Have you ever been in a food fight?

This would be one of those “thing I’ve tried and will never do again” things… Jell-O will actually stain bleached blonde hair. I looked like fucking Xuxa for 2 weeks.

Do you own a pair of cowboy boots?

Not since I stopped riding horses after I graduated high school.

If you got stranded on a desert island with only 3 items, what would they be?

A helicopter, a buffet and Stevie Nicks

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

I have. It’s a very confusing situation to find yourself in.

What do you think happens after death?

I can’t predict the future so really you should be asking my little brothers, who knows what they’ll do with my body. My vote is the embalm me and then prop me up around the house Weekend At Bernie’s style. I mean, shit, I won’t be any less animated than I am now.

What life-changing events have you experienced?

Well, aside from the culture things of Y2K, 9/11, Financial Collapse, Covid and whatever the fuck else, there was also the release of that grotesque Britney Jean album.

How long was your longest committed relationship?

2.5 years

Do you think self-care is important?

I think it’s more important for you to define what self-care is for you because if you listen to everyone else, you’re doing self-care wrong. For me, self-care is never buying clothes or skincare products at Wal-Mart.

If a bald person works in a restaurant, do you think they still need to wear a hairnet?

I think there are larger conversations to be had about food contamination in restaurants than just hair nets… especially after I finally worked in a few restaurants. It’s one of the reasons why I cook almost 85% of my food.

What is your favorite body part?

My relationships with bodies change depending on the person.

Do you check yourself out in the windows when you pass?

No. In fact, this new apartment I’m in is the first time I have a full length mirror in my adult life. Since I was in 7th grade, I’ve never been able to see myself fully in the mirror… and it’s very disorienting. My family was very much about avoiding vanity so I have had a small face mirror to do skincare, or to check an outfit. But staring and lingering in front of a mirror was very strongly discouraged so I have never actually purchased a mirror for myself.

What’s worse - no hair or no teeth?

There is no competition, both will happen to all of us, eventually. Whether or not we’ll still be alive is a different story…

What’s the most awkward first date you’ve ever been on?

Probably the one where I preferred Pinhead mutilating men to my date…

Is it weird for an adult to sleep with a stuffed animal?

Yes, I find the infantilization of adults in the younger generations to be a strange thing, but I understand it is a reaction to trauma. So, if someone sleeps with a stuffed animal, I take it as a sign that they are crazy or were sexually abused by a parent.

Are you ticklish?

Yes I am, and that is a huge consent thing to me. I don’t like being tickled at all. It hurts. If you do it, I will slap/punch you and then I will never speak to you again. No apologies will be accepted. Tickling is like rape to me. Don’t fucking touch me that way. In fact, being sexually assaulted doesn’t upset me as much as tickling because I can say no if you grab my dick. Iff I’m being tickled, I am laughing so hard that I can’t breathe and can’t say no. You will think I’m having fun and happy, but in reality, I’m enraged, in pain and incredibly unhappy.

Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I’m not concerned if someone can do that so much as I’m concerned about what is happening in someone’s life that they had the time and patience to wonder if they could do that.

Last updated October 06, 2023