Homemaking in Journal

I’m taking a class by Lifeways. It’s supposed to be a social class but no one else joined yet. It just started today and goes for 3 weeks, so lots of time to see who will be joining. More or less it looks like fun and I’m excited to learn!
I had a sort of epiphany/self reflective moment on my walk with the kids this am. We walked by a house with people talking loudly. Now, my dad was a screamer, yeller, and talked loud in general (his excuse was always he’s half deaf). I’ve always known I have a zero tolerance for yelling. I do not give one duck why you’re yelling. Unless you or someone is literally bleeding out, we are done. It affects me so profoundly.
Anyways, walking along I heard the loud voices. We couldn’t see the people, as the house was situated, and I almost turned around. However, I did pause long enough to clarify that the voices were not angrily yelling voices, just excited loud voices. So I held my son’s hand as we continued to walk briskly by the house.
I glanced at them on their porch briefly as we passed. It was three old dudes. Old like 70’s ish maybe 80. I waved in a perfunctory Midwesterner way. They waved and smiled at my son who’s cuter than all get out. They seemed nice enough, but we kept walking.
I listened to their conversation for a bit as we passed, but it occurred to me that I was completely dissociated, in scan-for-danger mode, and in a hyper vigilant state. When I realized this I took some breaths and came back. I thought- I want to meet people, but how can that be when I treat every new encounter as a would be violent sadist?
So, I still have much to work with.