Dollhouse in Current Events

My mood poisoning continued to get worse after I wrote my previous entry. Depression bubbled up to the surface for me to rumble with. What a treat! My mind needs to grieve the loss of something. I know this. It has a whole little world to grieve. I made a lot of changes for myself. With this new job, I’m back in school, and I’m going to the gym. All of the projects I started I don’t have time for now. School still seems to be a major trigger. It really feels like it is in the way.

I had all day to study but I get brain fog whenever I try. I have it bad today and I don’t understand why. I could barely get out of bed at one point. I feel empty. Not so much in a depressing way. I just can’t connect to anything. Nothing will stir my insides. It could be the ashwagandha root powder, I did ask for this. I don’t feel depressed, as in sad. Just feels like I am carrying a weighted blanket around.

Speaking of stirring my insides, I seem to be winning my battle of the bloating #SkinnyLegend. Not only is the pain turned off, but so is the pleasure. I digress. Back to the whining.

There is an old Joss Whedon show called Dollhouse that I often think about. There was a facility that had the ability to wipe out your memories, save them on a drive and install a different personality with different abilities. People would contract to be used at this Dollhouse. They would be reduced to child-level intelligence in the facility until they were rented. It’s a very spiritual thing, that whole concept. If I was born somewhere else, I would be a different character with different beliefs and ideas and skills but there would still be a part of me that was me. I could remove what doesn’t work in my psyche and just install something new. If I wanted to be a millionaire I just needed to do what millionaires do. Think what millionaires think. I’m over trying to articulate this high concept.

I was thinking about my childhood the other day. The boys I grew up with. All of the trouble we got into. We were close until high school politics split us up. Before I developed crippling social anxiety while discovering things about myself. I’m not sure why it made me feel some type of way. I shall reflect on that some more later.

Well, I am listening to occult essays and he got to the part where he discusses the Freemason lodges. There is one not too far from my place. I’ve been curious about it. I like to think of it as a church where I could go and learn the Bible correctly. I would love to teach it, honestly. Also, to be a part of a brotherhood. However, the secrecy part I do not like. I wouldn’t be allowed to teach the occult knowledge to the public. They are vile and profane. I mean, on hand I hate the public. On the other hand, I want to help them. The revolution we need can only be internalized. Nobody is thinking natural thoughts right now. On that note, I recognized that these essays did stir up my insides. I can just get happiness from the source, God.

I spent hours in the kitchen today. I’m moving at a glacial pace. For starters, I’m lethargic because of my depression. For seconds, I’m sore from wrecking myself at the gym yesterday. I made four days’ worth of meals for work. My shifts are 5:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. I eat breakfast and lunch there, as well as a snack. Then I’m just going to have to cram in all of my studying in the evenings after my naps. My first test is on Thursday. I also have to hand in a lab assignment. Every time I look at my schoolwork I feel resentment. The math hurts my brain. I need better discipline here. I need my brain fog to die as well. Shall I go back to drinking proper coffee again? Nah.

Reason must be the legislator. Reason must not be legislated. That line from one of the essays was mint. That’s my whole philosophy right there. I want that on a T-shirt. Everybody is failing to see reason. Logic and reason are lost on them. We are so far from the truth and so far from reality. People are waking up to it, I really need to meet one or two in person. I need a scintillating conversion so help me god.

… I just remembered that I have paperwork for a blood order. I shall go do that tomorrow after work. I’ll go over the results with my doctor. My mother said I look pale and thinks that I have a B12 deficiency. I take a B-complex supplement but maybe there is something else in there. I need to book a damn naturopath already as well.