Good morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

We played with glow sticks last night and then went to bed. We got McDonald’s for dinner, got some stuff from Dollar Tree and then got some stuff at Walmart. I wanted to get my daughter more socks and underwear. I realized after we got home that I should have gotten myself some socks too but completely spaced it. I was able to get some laundry soap, dish soap, paper towels and some other stuff.

It sucks that I don’t get more money but I’m glad that with the money I do get, I don’t have to share it with anyone but my kid. It’s not a lot by any means but it’s enough to pay our bills, buy household stuff, keep gas in the car and overall be just fine.

I think about the fact that it’s really sad that I wouldn’t be able to rely on my Mom to work evenings and weekends. Financially, we would be no better off because all I would have done is give them money. I refuse to ever be caught in that toxic cycle of shit again. I remember when I first moved out 17 years ago and had to give them money EVERY FUCKING DAY because everything I had was in their name and they used that profusely to get what they could. My car loan was in their name, my electric bill and my phone. I had no choice but to be extorted and I finally cut it off.

It makes me very angry that my parents are like this but because I have gone through it so many times before, it’s a lot easier to spot the bullshit before it even starts. It sickens me that my daughter isn’t someone to love, but just another person to use. I will say that they have given me some money in the past year or so but it doesn’t even make a dent in what I’ve given them. I would probably have been able to buy a house with the money I’ve given them. I get angry when I think about the fact that we still live in the same place because I let myself get used so much.

I’m glad that I was used so much before I had my daughter because I was able to cut it off a lot quicker than before. My parents need a lot of mental help. I look at my own kid and know that I would NEVER be able to treat her the way they treated me. As a daughter I forgive them but as a parent, I’ll never understand. It isn’t up to your kids to take care of you, it should be the other way around. Even my brother has said it’s their job to help us but they don’t.

I never did hear back from that job from 3 weeks ago. It does piss me off because I wasted gas driving over there. I’m glad though because I wouldn’t have been able to take the job anyways. It would have really sucked if I would have started working, really liked it and then didn’t have the childcare to be able to keep going.

I just never want to feel like I’m trading my peace and my daughter’s safety for my Mom to babysit. I just know that she wouldn’t care either. She has just been conditioned to someone’s control for too damn long. My Mom isn’t a greedy person by nature, she just goes along with him because she has to.

My brother messaged him the other day saying that I’m open to weekends where he’d responded saying he would check his schedule and never heard back. He hasn’t seen her again in almost 2 months. I just worry about how my daughter feels. I just hope she doesn’t internalize this feeling as if there’s something wrong with her or she’s unworthy of him being a constant in her life. He CHOOSES to be absent. I just hope that when he wants to see her again in 6 months that nobody is super shocked when I firmly say no. This isn’t healthy for a kid to only see their other parent ever so often at their discretion.

We went to the part where kids decided to be mean to my daughter. We leave and she wants pizza. It’s just a sucky thing to be the default parent and always be the one to make up for other people’s shitty behavior. I also would like to have talked to the parents and ask them how they are raising their kids to be mean for no reason. My daughter doesn’t understand when people are being mean to her and has no idea how to respond. I felt so bad and got her the pizza. I am just so sick of how cruel this world is.

My daughter is in the bath. I’ve been cleaning up the house and drinking some coffee. I was wanting a certain instant coffee so I bought it last night at the store and I really like it. I just hate how expensive everything is. I seriously cringe every time I have to get groceries. I’m happy to have all the bills paid, gas in the car, and bought my daughter all the stuff she wanted. I was able to even get her socks and underwear. We need to get a Halloween costume pretty soon as well. It would be great if her ‘Dad’ pitched in at least for that since I bought her back to school stuff but we know that won’t happen.

I just think it’s funny how he’s always said that I’ve used our child as a toy when he’s only cared to see her and bring her around a new supply. It’s just odd to me how narcs are so quick to point out your behavior but never see their own. I’m a parent every single day. I don’t even post about her on social media. I care about taking pictures for MYSELF, not for someone else’s benefit. I care more about my daughter being happy and taken care of then I have ever worried about how I look to everyone else.

I was asking my brother earlier if his kid wanted to come have pizza with us but they had other plans. So I’m hoping to get my daughter a nap today. I’m sad that this is pretty much every weekend. We do what we can to keep busy though. We have Hulu, Peacock, Amazon Prime, Disney and Netflix. Again I wish we had more people to hang out with though.

Anyways, I’ve been told that I may have to drive to wherever the deadbeat lives for the whole CS thing. I’m trying to determine if it would be even worth it because it sounds like he would probably still get out of paying. I always thought I would never stop fighting for CS but really there’s no fucking point. I could waste my time and plenty of gas and still never see a dime. I talked to someone that’s gone through this exact same thing that said it’s up to the employer. I still plan to make a couple of calls on Monday but if there’s not a payment made by the second week of October, there’s really no point in trying to keep fighting.

I really hope this guy feels absolutely awesome about all of this. I’m sure my mental health has never been a consideration or how much my daughter’s quality of life could be increased if he paid it. He lives somewhere that the cops can’t do anything and I highly doubt even the CS office there would be much help. That girl knows he lives 3 hours away from his child and never sees her so the least he could do is chip in financially. He’s just going to do whatever he’s got to in order to have no responsibility to his child and I need to seriously just accept it. My daughter is 6 now and I can’t keep fighting against the grain.

Sometimes I wish I could just fucking strangle that son of a bitch. I had help creating this child so it would be great if I had help raising her. I take on all the stress and responsibility every fucking day and I’m tired. I have days where I just don’t want to but I don’t get a choice while he has all the freedom in the fucking world.