Rewired in Current Events

I am aiming to unfriend my Intention Deficit Disorder once and for all. There is no silver bullet so I have to undermine my undermining. I started by downloading an App that will block selected sites from me. I relapsed on my NoFap which is of no surprise. I will use that time to read or listen to my audiobooks. I’m currently binging occult essays.

I reserved this evening for studying. Every fibre of my being is trying to pull me away. I have to work with my attention span and do this in increments. I will juggle housework with studying. I had to talk myself out of going to the gym after work. I opted for a nap instead. I am so tired of being tired. I need to book that naturopath already. I want to do a full heavy metal detox. This ADHD is bullshit.

My love life became a topic of discussion at work today. It made me really uncomfortable. I had let go of my identity(s). The nature of human desire is expansion and we are expanding into things that do not exist in reality. Identity is one of them. It’s a false idol. I can participate in them but I do not want to belong to them. I am not a gender, I have a gender. I am not a sexuality I have a sexuality. I am not an ethnicity I have an ethnicity. I am not politics, nor am I a caste or creed. I am simply just a single consciousness having a temporary human experience. This had created a slight case of imposter syndrome for me. It took years to connect back to the people, places and things in my life again. On one hand, I feel like a closet case because I don’t want to discuss my same-sex attraction to anyone at work. It changes everything. There is a shift in the way I get treated. For better or for worse. It just seems to really disturb people that I am single. On the other hand…

I have been discovering that I have the capacity to be attracted to women. It’s a confusing space for me right now; mentally, emotionally, and physically. I haven’t given this a lot of time and energy to work through. The cognitive gymnastics involved here is too daunting. I don’t know how to articulate what happens to my psyche whenever I start to feel smitten with a woman. I want to become bigger, stronger, wealthier, a provider… It’s as though there are some instincts at play here. It’s as though I desire to become somebody else completely. I didn’t schedule an existential crisis for 2023, I’ll review this later next year. There is this girl half my age at work who is a little flirty with me. She’s also a Capricorn, but I thought she was an Aquarius because of her facial features. She’s an Aquarius cusp. Her rising is Scorpio which is basically a perfect match for my Taurus rising. She has a Gemini moon. It’s big brain energy that I am attracted to. Whatever though! I ain’t got time for nothing.

Cardinal signs are not to be messed with right now with the supermoon in Aries while in Libra season. It is squaring Mars. I don’t feel emotionally dysregulated about anything right now. If anything I would love some of that starting energy that Aries has. Mars exalts in Capricorn and Saturn exalts in Libra. I’ll just accept this as good mojo for myself. My Taurus rising is still supposed to be highly favoured, which it finally is! Took long enough. It’s a late-degree Taurus, it is what it is.

My soup is ready to be pureed. It’s just potato & leek soup. It’s a colon broom for me, tmi. On with my evening then.