Appointment. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I got my daughter to school, came home and ate breakfast and then went to my TANF meeting. We went to a room where no one was around which I prefer because I’m never okay with people hearing my business. We talked about counseling and my kid’s Dad and the new plan for my attendance. I’m to do 1-2 hours a day starting on Thursday. I’m definitely happy about this because even with that schedule, I’m able to plan appointments and still not have to be there everyday and if I start hurting, they’ll let me leave.

I’m glad that I don’t have to worry about being there today or tomorrow. I’m so happy to hear that I’ll only be there a couple of hours everyday because then I still have time to get other things done such as cleaning the house, laundry, dishes, and having dinner ready for my daughter when she gets home. I won’t even have to worry about taking a shower everyday before I got and I’ll have time to eat breakfast. It just gets super painful sitting there after so many hours and then I’m really stiff when I finally get up.

Now, tomorrow is what I’m concerned about. I’m going to be so glad to get that over with. I need to get all my meds bagged up as well. Still needing to find a lawyer as well.

My back is giving me hell today. I’m so glad that I don’t have to just sit and power through it. I wish that it would just fucking stop. Everyday is different pain wise.

But yeah, I don’t really talk to my Mom much these days. Sometimes she’ll text and ask what I’m doing and I don’t always answer. I don’t like talking to her because I always have to be on speaker so he’s able to listen and I don’t want her asking about my kid’s Dad anymore. I refuse to speak about him negatively because I worry how that’s being interpreted. I think they enjoy hearing that he’s made me mad and then they aren’t as concerned about him being around my kid so my Dad can be weird. My Mom used to tell me how she doesn’t want to talk about my BD but now, she always asks and I know it’s because of my Dad.

I have a lot of hatred and resentment for my Mom because she likes to act as if it’s just my BD who’s been the bad guy in all this when she’s done a lot of the same things. She’s no better than he is. Other than that year and a half she was around after she left my Dad, she’s never been any more involved with my kid than he’s been. She’s left me high and dry MANY TIMES when I’ve asked for her to babysit. She’s used to my daughter to hurt me just like he has. She’s no fucking better but wants to sit and talk about how terrible of a person he is?!?!? Um no, we aren’t going to do that.

All these fucking people need to understand that my daughter is 6 now and their absence is probably doing the most harm. I’m just in a place where I don’t ask or expect any involvement from anyone and neither does she. My daughter is fully adapted to everyone’s absence that she doesn’t even ask to see or speak to her Dad or my Mom anymore. I’m just sick of my Mom acting like she gives a fuck when she herself goes weeks without seeing my kid and even when she talks to her on the phone, she’ll say, “hi, how are you” and after that she doesn’t know what to say to her!

I remember when they came and got her back in June and my calling my Mom to tell her and my Dad said something shitty. I couldn’t make out what he said but I could tell by the tone that it wasn’t something receptive at all. It’s like well if her Dad takes her, than there’s less chance of me asking my Mom right?! I don’t think this shit is looked at from the the right angle. My Mom doesn’t help with my child, doesn’t even talk to her on the phone more than maybe once a week but you’re pissed about her Dad having involvement?!?!?! That’s toxic and weirdly possessive in my opinion.

It’s absolutely crazy to me when she wants to sit and talk about how much of a piece of shit HE IS, but tends to forget that she’s no better!! She has NO PLACE to sit and speak on him and his wrong doings when she’s done all the same shit! I remember her leaving me high and dry just recently on the 9th of August for my injection and even that night she was to watch her so I could go to a concert but I don’t hear from her for an extra couple of days because she didn’t want to. She waited for good measure to make sure to get out of it! I don’t know how many times she’s agreed to babysit and then doesn’t show up. She doesn’t even bother to tell me ahead of time that she’s not able to so I have the chance to find someone else or reschedule my appointments!

I think my parents should feel fortunate that my older brother and I have had anything to do with them after we moved out. They didn’t do shit for us growing up, all they’ve ever done is use us for money and whatever else they could get, never had much involvement with our children and then sit and cry around that we don’t call them?! Okay well why don’t you pick up the phone and call us? Or even send a text?! I don’t know where they think we should make more effort to stay in touch with them than they make with us. I think that’s part of their entitlement.

It’s not right to sit and put all the blame or focus on my kid’s Dad when almost everyone else has done all the same shit. My family has been just as absent and has never been any more involved or reliable than he’s been.

My disability appointments are tomorrow morning and I feel really blessed that my daughter will be in school because if I had to ask my Mom to watch her, she’d agree to do it and then not show up. So I’d miss it yet again. I’m just so thankful that I don’t even have to waste my energy having to ask her. She was to watch her a year and a half ago so I could attend these same appointments and didn’t.

My Mom and DB have both contributed to my depression, mental, and financial problems. I’m definitely grateful though that I don’t have to depend on either one of them. I am definitely hoping I get approved for disability though because then I’ll have the time to focus just on my health and get stuff in order. I do want to quit smoking and lose weight. I just need the time and money to make it all happen. Healthy food is expensive.

I worked at the same job for 7 years where I didn’t get to have any say over my schedule or my personal time. I’m really selfish about my time now and I was dead set against sitting in that room 30 hours a week because not only was it too much physically, but mentally it was taking a huge toll on me. I don’t feel that I have a lot of choices as a single Mom, but I’m going to have control over my time when I don’t have my kid.

I definitely feel fortunate not having to ask anyone to help with my daughter but that doesn’t take away from the fact that I should be able to. Even for important things. My doctor told me the other day, “it shouldn’t be like this” and I completely agree. Sometimes I think about how different our lives would be if I actually had family support. I watch Teen Mom and just marvel at how these girls get to plan vacations, go to school/work, and just keep living life because the Dad’s are involved and they have support from their families. I think about my daughter and how things would be better for her if there was that. People being reliable and constants in her life.

TANF. I seriously think that no one should have to be there more than a couple of hours a day because it’s still showing accountability. If your there 20-30 hours a week and you still aren’t working, that needs to be evaluated. I think some people see it as it’s boring and it sucks so there’s the motivation to get a job while other people see it as an easy paycheck. If they can consistently show up Monday through Friday for months at this place, it doesn’t really make sense of why they couldn’t get a job. I still wonder how some of these people sit there for months and years at a time and they don’t put them in a work site.