Last night. in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter went to my brother’s house last night and then when I picked her up, my niece wanted her to come back so we hung out there until about 2am. My daughter fell asleep pretty early because she was tired so we had a couple of drinks and talked about shit.

My brother was messaging with him and he was still talking about enrollment and how it was pending but then back peddled saying that it’s really hard for him to get the help he needs. Well, there’s no such thing as ‘pending’ and if it is pending, how do you decide that it’s too hard to get enrolled? I just kept talking about how it’s never going to happen so we need to leave it alone. I guess he was telling my brother that he’d like to have her on weekends. I know it would be a great help to me if he did take her even every other weekend, but I’m not willing to even have a conversation about all of my concerns. It just seems exhausting to even attempt to talk about it.

I guess my brother was telling him how both of us are selfish and hateful and my daughter needs both of her parents. I would absolutely LOVE to know how I’ve been selfish or hateful whatsoever!! I have done nothing but put up with lies, abuse, complete and utter chaos with this guy for 7 fucking years and allow him to take my child 3 hours away with some woman that I don’t know but I’m selfish and hateful? The guy owes his child THOUSANDS of dollars, he’s sat around playing video games, finding free rides, sleeping all day and being a drunk all these years but I’m selfish and hateful? It’s like no one can acknowledge that HE could be the problem so I have to be lumped in as well.

Whatever. Anyways yeah, I’m going to try and see about finding a disability lawyer tomorrow and hopefully I can find one. I’ve already been turned down in the past as well. I know that I have all my work credits and I have PLENTY of evidence to prove my disabilities. I want to believe that I have a decent shot at getting it but I know it’s not an easy thing to do.

I don’t want to depend on any help but right now, I have to have a way to earn a paycheck until I either get disability or a job that I can physically handle. Everyone has plenty to say about lives they’ve never lived. You will never truly understand until it happens to you. This is definitely not where I thought my life would be at my age.

And I definitely agree with my brother about me raising the CS when the guy has never really worked and then now the amount is more than double what it was. I get that it probably would feel impossible and what not, but it’s definitely not been easy for me when he’s gone YEARS without paying and I’ve had to be completely responsible for my child without his help. I worked like a dog, poured from an empty cup for so long and lived on auto pilot thanks to him. Again, I do agree with my brother but until he’s paying it consistently, I have zero plans to even attempt to change it. The guy wouldn’t pay it when it was a mediocre amount and it’s like no one wants to think about that.

Until the guy starts making the effort to pay it and do that consistently, he’s going to have to deal with it just like I’ve gotten to deal with doing it all on my own. Just since May, this is the most ‘consistent’ he’s EVER been with seeing her. I’ve been the one to take care of her when she’s sick, get her to all her appointments, school drop off and pick up, keep her fed, clothed, housed, and be 2 parents every single day. The truth is, no amount of CS is ever going to replace the time I’ve spent being a Mom and making sure my child is taken care of. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on childcare by MYSELF so I was able to work while he got to be a child.

I’m sorry but I can’t just forget all this. I just want the guy to do his part and until that happens, I’m not willing to try and change the amount of CS. He’s not accountable in any other aspect and I think people tend to forget about that.

I remember running on 3-4 hours of sleep every night for months at a time being a Mom every single day and then going to work where I had a very high energy fast paced job just doing what I could to keep myself going where no one even asked if I was okay. I remember being at work struggling to stay awake and being scared that I was going to fall asleep at the wheel. I remember one time I almost rear ended someone with my daughter in the car because I didn’t hit the breaks fast enough. I was so sleep deprived that I had killer headaches and stomach aches everyday and having no one to reach out to.

This guy has always slandered me online as well and yet I kept silent and just raised my daughter without him. There was plenty of times where I could have busted this shit wide open and posted screen shots but I didn’t. He didn’t care what he left me with such as PPD and he did EVERYTHING he could to make it worse because he wouldn’t be a Dad but he wouldn’t leave me alone either!!! I remember just having my daughter and getting home from the hospital where he sent pictures of him making out with some girl to my friend. The guy is a living monster and I really don’t think there’s anything he’ll ever be able to do to make me see him as anything else.

He even abused my best friend mentally and emotionally numerous times and she would still tell me to stay open minded, maintain perspective and not want me to completely write him off which is exactly what should have happened. Anytime there’s ever been contact with him, it’s always super negative and him being evil and abusive. I’ve allowed this behavior way longer that I ever should have and I absolutely will not ever again.

Everyone has this attitude that I need to just roll over and accept that he’s never going to step up and do his part. Well, I’ve had to all these years but what’s not cool is him checking in and out when he decides too either. It’s not right for him to get to have his cake and eat it too. If he wants to be out, then he needs to fucking stay out. I just don’t like him having any involvement because it’s disruptive. It’s not to be a help or spent time with his child, it’s just a source of supply to him.

So until I see some actual help from him in raising his child, I am not willing to invite him into our lives anymore. I don’t need to added stress, headache, or added expense and my daughter definitely doesn’t need someone to keep playing head games with her. He’s never been around for the right reasons. He just cares about having his child to put on a show. I have a hard time believing he could love his daughter when he won’t do a fucking thing to help raise her or even be a positive influence in her life.

I even told my brother last night how he tends to run really hot and cold with all of this. He’ll sit there and talk about how BD is such a piece of shit and blah blah blah but then gets mad about the CS amount but then will turn around and say how I need to let him pay it for awhile since everyone has to. He’ll sit there and talk about how me and BD need to reach the point where we have no contact but then will tell me when he’s wanting to see his child again after several months. Like it just doesn’t make sense to me. He’ll go on and on about how many of his male friends have gotten fucked over with CS and not get enough time with their children but in my case, the guy has never cared about seeing his kid and doesn’t pay! I get that a lot of dudes get fucked over by the system because the Mom’s are bitter, they don’t want the Dad’s to have a lot of time with the kids because it lowers CS and what not but my situation is a lot different.

No 2 cases are exactly the same. I’ve talked to a lot of people about my situation over the years and I have tried EVERYTHING I could for him to be involved and attempt to compromise about CS. I even messaged the girlfriend one day about how if he paid a lump sum, I would be willing to forgive the rest and that went no where as well!! I’ve told him that if he was involved with her, I would even give him some of the CS back when he did pay it! I’ve told him that if he got enrolled, I would forgive ALL of the arrears! There’s no getting anywhere with this guy and after years of trying to compromise, I’m done.

He knows he owes it and he’s going to pay it. I’m done trying to be reasonable and even thinking to forgive thousands of dollars that would still be my daughter losing out. I have had several friends that have forgiven CS and the guy still wouldn’t pay or be involved! It’s basically a really stupid thing to do because you think it’s going to prove something or it’s going to make the situation better but it does none of that. There was a lady on Tik Tok just the other day that had forgiven $17,000 and people still just attacked her! She was STILL in the fucking wrong!

Then you have society bitching about single Mom’s on welfare. Well, even with a job you can only make so much money and have to leave your child with strangers and go broke paying! Again, if Dad’s did their part such as being there physically to help with the kids and paying CS, there wouldn’t be as much of a need for food stamps, housing, WIC, TANF, and whatever help there is!! It’s like no one wants to accept that the deadbeats are the problem, not the parent who’s stayed and is doing the best they can without the help of the other parent!

Everyone wants the Mom’s to just work 2 or 3 jobs, never see their children and completely forget that they should have another person to be there and help! Outside of CS, no one really gives a flying fuck. Like my situation, CSE can’t do anything more than issuing that warrant that he’s had for the past 2 years!! If they evade letters, hide out, don’t have any assets, and completely refuse accountability, there’s nothing that can be done. Then they like to talk about how Mom’s are just scorned. Well, yeah it’s kinda hard not to be when you are spending all of your time being responsible and having to do it all by yourself.

I have the worst headache today and feel really lazy. I’m probably gonna go lay down. My daughter is watching TV so I’m going to just relax for awhile.