Me, but also...not me in Memories.....or lack thereof...

I wish I understood any part of myself. I think that might be the one thing that bothers me most about having no memories. I don’t feel like there’s any part of myself that I really understand, especially as a disabled person. Other disabled people deal with their body not making sense. Doing things it isn’t supposed to or not listening. But even when your body is betraying you, you still know who you are inside. Even if you go through a period of ” who am I now that I have this big change”, you still have the knowledge of who you were. I don’t. Today I had a massive vestibular migraine. I had plans for today, I was going to make some dairy free rice crispies for my kids, get my laundry caught up, perhaps bake some snickerdoodles or muffins ( because we like to have treats but also…we’re poor lol). Instead I was stuck on my back for most of the day. I dont understand that part of myself, my body makes no sense. Now tonight I feel almost weepy. Like that feeling you get when a sad movie or something is getting to you and even though your dry eyed, you feel like your going to cry. I don’t understand why I’m
almost weepy, I just am. I don’t understand why I wanted pickles when feeling that way or why I feel like eating pickles has in fact, helped. I want to know. I wish I knew who I was before, or when did I stop being her and become me? Like at some point I knew what was going on in my life, I must have. I existed, I went through it, I was conscious, i was living a life. But at some random time on some random day, in a random year, my brain reset. That is so weird to think about. That at some point in my life I knew things and one day, I was just living my life and those things just evaporated. One minute it’s there, the next minute It’s forgotten forever. I don’t understand my body, I don’t understand my brain and I don’t understand my emotions. All of these could be made easier to deal with If I could even get 1 or 2 contextual clues! Can I buy a vowel somewhere please? I think I’m on the wrong game show because this puzzle is just too hard!

Last updated September 24, 2023