You've Done So Much For Me And I Love You in Hello

But I don’t like you anymore…

Got some…info today and I’ve been in my head since.

I reached out to a girl who graduated from group if she’s ever been in an inpatient. She told me her bf is in the facility I’m trying to get into.

https://wellstone.com/river-valley-recovery-center/

It’ll be free for me.
A thirty day vacation might be just what I need.

It’s 10:01 PM and I haven’t touched the PlayStation today. Just too mentally out of it to focus on exploring. Mom just went to bed. I stripped down to my boxers and am now laying here with Triple D on in the background but I’m paying it no mind. Debating on reading a short story or two but maybe I’ll kill the lights and focus on rest. It has been a long day.

I made chicken Caesar wraps tonight. Came to the conclusion this is just mom’s chicken salad in a tortilla. It brought me down for some reason. Now I don’t want to cook them anymore. I guess it’s cause I thought I was doing some unique recipe for dinner and it hit me that it feels kinda lazy. Weird thinking, I know.

Today has put me in a funk. Apparently I’m a drain emotionally. It hurt getting told that and that’s what has been bugging me all day. As if getting told I need to be shipped off to inpatient wasn’t bad enough now all I can think of is I’m toxic. Maybe I am? I know I have my moments and have done some really fucked up things in the past I try to disassociate myself from these days. Rhetorical question that I hate knowing the answer.
Yes.
Yes I am.

Old habits die hard?
Am I THAT much of an asshole?
Am I lying to myself TRYING to say I’m a good person?

I dunno…I’m going to read and get lost in a forest of fiction for a while.

Last updated September 22, 2023