It's Friday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve just been thinking today and I’m just so glad that I don’t have to have a relationship with my parents. It’s just nice to be able to keep that safe distance and not deal with them. I realize now more than ever my Mom is just as toxic as he is, even when she’s not trying to be. He’s done nothing but control, brain wash, and manipulate her for 43 years and she doesn’t know anything else.

I remember when my daughter had dental surgery at the end of July and me telling her that I don’t want my Dad around my kid because she does her Dad and my Mom says, “just don’t let him take her” and I told her that he’s already missed much of her life and I’m not going to keep my kid from her Dad to conceal my Dad’s weird behavior because all that’s doing is helping it happen again. I think she’s just so used to trying to protect my Dad that she can’t see how that’s helping put my daughter in harm’s way.

It’s like that job I wanted a couple of weeks ago where she offered to babysit 4-5 nights a week where I wouldn’t get off work until 10pm. I know that my Dad was agreeable to it because then they’d know I wouldn’t be back until a certain time so he’d be around my kid and he knows my Mom starts dozing at like 6pm so he’d had several hours to possibly harm my daughter. I think it’s funny how he’s always hindered my Mom from babysitting and now all of a sudden he’d be okay with it?! I just know that he wouldn’t bring her over and leave. Then my kid would say he was here the whole fucking time and as soon as I’d say something, she wouldn’t be allowed to babysit again.

I just marvel at how much control he’s had over my Mom all these years and STILL makes sure to limit her with everyone else. I think it’s bullshit that if we want to see my Mom, we have to go to their house and be around him as well. He just uses my Mom to gain access. I am so glad that I do have choices and I don’t have to let ANYONE be around my child if I don’t want to.

They’ve done this kind of shit to me my whole life where they will come around in a time of need but it’s not to be a help, a support, or for my Mom to spend time with my daughter. It’s for their own gain. Even if she got paid through the state, she would still sit there and talk about how she’s not getting enough so I’d still go broke paying her and replacing all of our food that she eats. I’m NEVER going through that shit again. The only reason I put up with it is because she had left my Dad and I didn’t have to worry about his presence around my daughter.

I’m also the type of person where I don’t want to be forced into contact or maintaining a relationship with anyone. I also don’t want to be in a position where I have to be at her mercy. I remember when she babysat before and I told her we’ve gone through $500 worth of food in less than 3 weeks and her saying, “well, you needed me to babysit” so she had no regard that she was taking from us and I was also buying her smokes and giving her gas money!!

I am never going to sacrifice not only my peace, but my child’s safety and wellbeing so I can work. I shouldn’t be expected to do that and I never will. It’s interesting that he’s always made sure she don’t babysit or even come around but now all of a sudden, it would be okay? I’m not going to risk him being around my daughter for ANY amount of time, especially without me present and knowing my Mom would be sleeping!

I went on the girlfriend’s Facebook page and she was here in my town eating at a restaurant about an hour ago. So it makes me wonder how many times they’ve been here and there’s not any mention of seeing his child. She’s also eating at a place that I know he’d want to eat at so I’m sure he’s with her. Again, how much do these people fucking care about his child when they are here in our town and I don’t hear from them at all! Then we wonder why the fuck I’d rather he just be out of the fucking picture completely!

I’m angry that my kid is never prioritized with anyone. I’m angry that she’s treated like this. I’m definitely grateful she has school and her after school program. She does have her big sister. It’s just really heartbreaking that the people that should love her, make the least amount of fucking effort. I just don’t know what I’m ever going to tell her when she comes to me and asks why she doesn’t see her ‘Dad’ on a constant basis and why there’s so little effort made. She’s going to ask what he’s doing all the time.

This is the kind of shit that keeps me bitter. This is why I’m never about him seeing her because then plenty of time goes by before he sees her again. He’s just incapable of ever putting her first. I think my kid is fully adjusted to the way all this is but she shouldn’t have to be but again, it’s never going to change. I wonder if they even think of her when they’re close by. I wonder if they even care how she’s doing. The girlfriend started out doing what she could to bridge the gap and clearly she’s not about that anymore.

I just hope that I love her enough and show it so that she doesn’t even realize he’s not there like he should be. I’m really grateful for her big sister that makes effort because she doesn’t have to. She CHOOSES to make my child a priority. That means so much to me. I really texted her to tell her how much I appreciate her making time for my child when she doesn’t have to. I just wish EVERYONE could love my child as loudly.

My daughter is truly the best person I’ve ever known. She has the best heart, she’s always looking out for everyone around her. She always says such good things about everyone and she tends to forget the bad. I admire her forgiving nature. Even though her Dad has never really been present, she’s only ever focused on the time she does get with him. I know that she’s still too little to really understand about time and just how much of it goes by where she doesn’t see him and she’s going to ask.

I just want to understand how you could be in or near the town where you child lives and make no effort. I want to understand where you can spend days with her and then not plan to see her again for a really long time. How would you not wonder how this affects your child. I’m glad that she just focuses on the good and doesn’t really notice the bad or the absence but someday she’s going to.

I hope these fucking people understand that I’m only going to put up with this so many times until I firmly say no. I’m sick of people being wreck less with my child’s heart. And taking advantage of her forgiving nature. His girlfriend knows damn well he doesn’t make any effort and neither does she. I never did get a text back from her and it’s probably because she didn’t want to apologize or acknowledge her wrong doing either. She knows damn well he’s of no use in helping raise his child, that he lives with her 3 hours away, he owes thousands in back child support and she knows there’s no effort from herself or from him.

So again, I’m going to just kick back and let it be what it is because someday he’s going to want to see her again and they are going to hear a blast of shit from me. If she herself thinks that it’s okay for him to spend DAYS with his child at her house and then him not see her again for a considerable amount of time, she’s just as much the problem as he is. So I think if there’s ever another conversation, I’m going to make sure that they understand that since visits can’t be consistent and I’m concerned about my daughter’s comfort level, that we can arrange to meet up so he can see her and if that is consistent, maybe we can talk about an overnight so they’ll need to get a motel room. I’m going to make sure that they know I will be present so my child is comfortable because now she’s going to have to get re aquainted with him because he’s been absent yet again. I allowed them to take her because before that, they were actually getting her from school once a week for a couple of hours.

I just hope to never hear from them again but if I do, I plan to say since so much time has passed with no visitation, I am willing to arrange for us to meet up in a public place and I will be present for my daughter’s comfort while they get reaquainted. I’m going to be super cool about everything but make sure that they understand there’s going to be boundaries so there’s no wiggle room for confusion. I plan to make it known that I’m not one to play with when it comes to my child.

Honestly, I think one of two things will occur. He either won’t care about seeing her again for a considerable amount of time or just if he finds a new supply. He’s gotten enough clout from this girl that he’s not really worried about playing “Daddy” for her benefit anymore and he’s always done this where he doesn’t care about seeing his child regularly. He doesn’t mind going months and well over a year without seeing her so I’m sure that he won’t care again for at least another 6 months. This is the kind of game he’s always played and it’s no different now.

It’s always been a considerable amount of time that goes by before he gives a shit again. I just want to understand why in the absolute fuck you would want to keep doing this to your child. You know that you really don’t give a fuck about her and yet you want to keep hurting her by being present only when you decide to be. I just hope that there’s not going to be a big shock when the next time he gets around to wanting to see her that I firmly say no. He can go through the courts. I just feel until there’s a court order, nothing is going to work out for my kid. We absolutely need to go the legal route.