Doctor. in Since OD is shutting down....

I went to my appointment after getting my kid to school. I talked to my doctor about the constipation I’ve been having. He said that I need to cut down on coffee, soda, and start having more fiber in my diet. I just feel like I’m not to eat or drink anything that brings me joy. I’m still reeling from the other doctor telling me to quit smoking. This is a lot to take in all at once. I definitely agree that I need to make changes and I do want to start cutting down on everything for my health.

I happened to check the CS website and there is a wage withholding. I wouldn’t be shocked if I checked again in a couple of days and it’s gone. He’s really good at getting jobs and not showing up or quitting before CS can garnish. I don’t have my hopes up too high. I know that I would definitely be grateful if he started paying it but even so, it will probably only be a one time thing. I’m sure it was the girlfriend that pushed him to getting a job because she’s sick of taking care of him but whatever the reason, I might start seeing some money.

I’m really hoping that this is going to pan out for us. I would love to be in a place where I could at least have some respect for the guy. If he were to pay CS, he wouldn’t be financially abusing me and that alone would really change how I feel about stuff. I’m just tired of doing it all on my own and not having any help from him at all. I would love to feel like he’s helping with what he can. I get that he lives 3 hours away and can’t be there physically but if he starts paying, I wouldn’t hate him as much.

He’s always abused me in every way he could have and it’s hard to forget. The CS thing has always been the hardest thing to deal with because I’ve gone without a lot because of him not paying and I’ve always made sure my daughter is taken care of. I have 2 pairs of jeans, the same bras for years and it’s just little things like that. My daughter needs more underwear, socks, and different things and I can’t afford to get them right now.

Every time there’s a wage withholding, I feel like maybe this is going to take off and he’s going to pay consistently but rarely has that ever happened. I’m really hoping the girlfriend made him get a job simply because she’s tired of supporting him and that’s good enough reason for me because then I’ll see CS!!! My friend said this morning that she thinks once they garnish he’ll quit because they’re going to take more than before. I’ve emailed my caseworker and asked if she knew if she’s actually showing up to the job, when I might see a payment and what the amount would be since he owes even more arrears and the current amount has more than doubled.

I did receive my payment. I’ve called and texted my caseworker but she hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I’d like to know realistically how much I’d have to sit in that room now since they’ve gotten the forms back from my doctor. I wouldn’t mind sticking it out for a little while longer but I physically can’t do 5 days a week and 6 hours at a time. I’d like to talk about my disability appointments and that job that I have the onboarding for. I’m hoping if my case doesn’t work out that they just close it instead of doing a sanction.

My caseworker emailed back and said she just issued the withholding today and it would still be 3-4 weeks before a payment would come if we see one at all and because he’s in a place where they can’t force the employer to comply, there’s nothing she can do. So if the employer doesn’t garnish, then it’s hoping he willingly makes payments. So it’s still wait and see how it plays out. I definitely have less hope now because I forgot that he’s in a place where nothing can or will be enforced. We’re essentially back to the ‘wait and see’ game.

It’s like he’s always going to make sure to fuck me over. I don’t believe that he would make the payments on his own. They’ve always had to force it so if it isn’t taken directly out, I don’t believe I’ll see any money and if I do, it’ll be whatever he feels like paying and whenever he chooses. So, it’s still financial abuse. I’m sure the girlfriend would encourage him to pay but that would probably only happen a couple of times. I’m sure he’ll talk about how he has a job but if he’s not forced to pay then oh well I guess.

I also think that he was probably looking for a job that wouldn’t comply with CS and that’s what took him so long to become employed. He knows that there’s plenty of them down there that won’t abide by a CS order. So I doubt I’ll see a dime and that’s okay. I’d rather he not pay it for numerous reasons because he’s always liked to hold it over my head anytime he did pay it. Yeah, it’s not fair that he gets to pick and choose any and all involvement with our child but she’s growing up seeing all of this too.

My doctor told me this morning that I was dealt a really shitty hand. I came home and cried my eyes out because my daughter is also dealt the same. I think should there ever be another conversation with him or the girlfriend, I’m not going to mention CS ever again. He knows he owes it and should pay it. There’s no reason to express any kind of emotion because that’s giving the reaction that makes it easier for it to not get paid.

I’m feeling really depressed again. I think I’m more upset about him getting a job because I know there’s no chance I’m going to get any money and possibly have the funds to pay a sitter to be able to climb out of this situation. I’m so tired of being punished for having a child with the wrong person. My daughter is 6 now and it would be great if he could stop being bitter and want to be a help in his child’s life. It’s not fair that he gets to continue to be bitter and I don’t. I’ve still allowed him to be in her life no matter how awful he’s been to me and it’s still NOT ENOUGH!

I’ve done a lot of thinking and since she never cleared anything up about the things my daughter said that I think if I were to hear from her, I don’t plan to answer. I plan to give the same energy she gave me. This is a dead end situation and there is nothing that I could ever do or say to change that.

It’s like no one is going to be happy until I’m completely destroyed. Just a shell of a person. No one cares about me or my mental health whatsoever. I just don’t think it’s fair that every few months, I have to worry about him popping up just to create chaos and be disruptive.

I’m frustrated that no one considers how this is probably hard for my child. She’s used to him being absent but then will go with him for a few days, feel special and loved but then come home to virtually no contact and no idea when she’ll see him again. It’s like nobody takes her feelings into consideration. I think if enough passes and he wants to see her again, I’m going to probably say no. He’s already taught her how to live without him and I just don’t think it’s good for her to keep going through this same ringer.

I worry all the time how this affects her. He just wants to be a fun visitor and I know that she wants more than that. I remember saying something to his girlfriend and then she had him call. It really should be his idea, not someone putting him up to it. She told me, “ya can’t force people” and yeah I agree but I can’t be forced to keep letting him do this my child either. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday and it’s one I’ll never forget.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how nice it would be to get his rights terminated. It’s not an easy thing to do and I’ll probably never be able to do it but I can’t believe how someone like this should get to have any rights. He’s never cared and never will like a Dad should. This is nothing more than a fun game for him, his entertainment.

It’s not her fault that he’s really not a Dad, he’s emotionally and physically unavailable and chooses to be like this. But she didn’t ask to be born. She didn’t ask for this. My daughter deserves people who are constants in her life and make her feel special all the time, not just when it’s serving them.