Worn in Current Events

I can’t do it. I can’t seem to care enough to learn the material for class. We haven’t started to learn chemistry yet. Well, we would have during the class I missed. I have the material, I will absolutely cram it in before class tomorrow. Procrastinators unite! Tomorrow!

I already have a school sucks I hate this attitude and it’s only been one class and it isn’t even university yet. Then I have to suffer through med school. I can’t work it out in my head to make it matter. It feels like it just isn’t worth it to go through all of that to become a medical heretic, a Naturopath. How many decades worth of blogging did I complain about wanting to push through my social anxiety and go back to school?

Like, can I get through the next eight years dodging government overreach? They’re going to try and mandate medicine again. They want access to our bodies, it is absolutely menacing. People weren’t allowed to go to university to continue their studies and they didn’t get a refund. Now here in Chinada, the government is trying to regulate food prices. It’s getting scary up here.

Naturopathy doesn’t align with the World Health Organization, they’re going to outlaw it eventually. The WHO is the one world religion we are being coerced into. The indoctrination is so strong and it is so hard to see everybody act against their best interests. It’s blasphemy to explain to them that our symptoms were the cure all along and suppressing them is a direct assault on the body. We are not pharmaceutical deficient. They inverted reality and made the disease the cure and the cure the disease. They start poisoning us on day one to create disease states for big pharma. We can’t even push through a little cognitive dissonance to see logic and reason. Jefree Star explained it of all people that’s how we know that we are so irrevocably fucked as society. He briefly explained how 20+ ingredients that he uses in his makeup are in our food. We are poisoning ourselves because we like that a bowl of Fruit Loops is easier to make than raising our own chickens. We are not catching diseases we are creating them! He didn’t say that last part.

I don’t know why I’m ranting. It makes zero difference. Everybody is superstitious as fuck and medically religious.

Whenever I think about my studies I get angry because I then think about all of the things I would rather do and all of the things I wish I had time for.

I’m considering dropping down to four shifts a week. It’s something new my workplace is offering. Full-timers get to keep their f/t status and benefits and have an extra day off. I don’t get to choose which day but it would be a week day. That would be a me-day. My roommate also works Monday- Friday. I could use that day to work on my schoolwork and projects. However, I do like the money. I’ll wait a month, at least. We just got staffed up, I’ll at least wait until they are trained up.

Claudia asked me if I liked this location better than my original one. My answer was an honest yes. I explained it was because I feel like I am getting the recognition and respect here that I felt I deserved at the other one.

I can tell that my supervisor really likes and respects me. I still hear negative things about her. Allegedly, she’s been given many talks about the way she treats people. She had to do a workshop situation. She’s a smoker, I remember how irritable and snappy I was when stressed back when I ran a restaurant and smoked. She overwhelmed me with my new responsibilities but I learned to like them.

I got wrecked from my nap. I missed my window to study. I could study right now but I’m in bed. I’m going to lay here tossing and tortured until dawn. I’m going to even more wrecked tomorrow and I have class tomorrow evening. The nap was four hours. I took my grandmother shopping after work and then went out like a light. I’m not healing with my cold anymore, I’m just tired from that process.

It’s so hard to be in the moment. I’m detached and dissociated and I just put on a performance. I had a moment where I was present with my grandmother. She was just standing there with her walker, looking through the shelf. I was just wondering what was going on in her mind. I was thinking about her past. I was thinking about my cousins. I was thinking about her feelings. Things like that.

I woke up from my nap thinking about my long lost uncle. The son my grandmother put up for adoption. The horrible circumstances that led up to it. I was wondering about him. I was wondering if my mother got in contact with him again. He has two kids. Those are two cousins I never met. I wondered if he or his kids have a developmental delay. My grandmother does. My aunt does and so do all of her children. Stacy was the only one that didn’t have that. He moved to BC, he’s the reason we found our uncle.

My cousin Beaner (nickname) is homeless. She and her fiancé tenting it like all the other homeless in the city. It has gotten so bad here. I feel guilty because I took her brother Stacy in once. However, he was 17. She is an adult. She does have that delay, however. Her life has been so messy. She isn’t good at making choices. I didn’t want Stacy to drop out of school to get a job to support himself. He had issues at home so I took him in and supported him so he could finish high school. Now he’s in BC and has kids, whom I have yet to meet. I gotta fly out there to see my brother. Stacy will drive out to visit. I’ll look into booking that flight and that holiday this weekend, maybe. YOLO as we used to say.

Things felt heavier this evening. I think I need a good day of reflection. Just lay in bed with my thoughts. See what’s there. Figure things out mentally so that things can change externally. Like, my projects can lead to something bigger. That’s a long shot though. Astrologically, it’s practically destiny. That could be how I be of service to others. Where I can be a teacher and a mentor. A heathen and heretic to the mainstreamers but whatever.

Anyway, time to toss and torture myself to sleep now.