Today. in Since OD is shutting down....

I really woke up at 3am and was in massive pain so I couldn’t go back to sleep. I fell back asleep a few minutes before the alarm. I got my daughter dressed, hair fixed, and we even packed her a lunch. I fully intended to do the TANF thing but ended up not going. I just don’t see the point in it because that’s no more help then the deadbeat is.

It’s crazy that they think I’m going to keep showing up and never see a paycheck. Every time I’ve asked, I just get the run around and never a straight answer. I’m annoyed that she’ll just talk over me and mention a bunch of stuff that’s completely irrelevant to me wanting to know about the money aspect. I don’t see other people continuing to work and never get paid for it. I’ve left a message to talk to someone about all this and if I keep getting the run around, I’m going to just tell them to close my case.

I see my back doctor in the morning. I’m anxious about what he’s going to say. I’m still not willing to talk about surgery so hopefully he’s got some other things he wants to explore before we go that route. I’m annoyed that I’ve still had to participate in TANF being miserable and how painful it is to just sit. It’s just as bad as standing. I honestly can’t sit for hours at a time and I’m done trying to make that part of my every day.

The accountability aspect is fucking bullshit. I’m responsible for my daughter 25/8 and still am expected to sit in a room in massive pain, not get paid, and BD has ZERO accountability. Like I just want to understand where there’s sanity or logic in any of this shit. I’m sitting here wondering how I’m going to buy shampoo and household items.

All I know is no one cares because it isn’t them. They don’t have to go through what I do mentally every single day. I’m more depressed now than I’ve been in a really long time and I don’t know how to cope anymore. I’m tired of being by myself, I’m tired of trying to figure everything out and there’s no light at the end of the fucking tunnel.

I would really like for everyone to sit down and think about what they would do if this was their situation. Deal with no getting CS, the other parent isn’t involved, you don’t have friends or family to help and after school childcare is still up in the air. Then, waste your time and gas going to interviews where you’ve told them ahead of time what your availability is and still not get hired and have to constantly worry what you’re going to do even if you find a job because there’s no one to count on if your kid was sick or needed to be picked up early.

I get that life is all about perspective but when absolutely everything around is you is keeping you stuck, you’re going to get depressed. I try so hard to maintain a positive attitude but if you’re stuck, your fucking stuck. I’ve been living this for so long that I can’t see out anymore. I just wish there was actual help for single parents because there isn’t. I don’t understand how they can give people SNAP, housing, WIC, energy assistance, but they can’t open up daycare centers that are 24 hours because then NO ONE would have an excuse to not work.

Another thing, my brother has always had plenty to say to me about not working and getting food stamps but I feel that he should have just as much to say to BD!! Give him the exact same energy that I’ve been given! I’ve been holding it down for BOTH OF US for the past 6 fucking years and but I’m the one to be getting heat for not being able to do it all my own?!! I just think society has a really twisted outlook on CS and the fact that Dad’s should have to help with their own kids.

I have since left a message with TANF and they aren’t good about returning phone calls so I don’t know how to even close my case. I still haven’t gotten any mail from them so it’s probably a good thing that I quit showing up and wasting my gas, energy, and time because I don’t think they planned to ever give me a fucking dime. I would really like to know how they can get away with this shit and what I could do about it. I spent 3 weeks sitting there doing everything they asked of me and this is what I get?!

Part of the problem is all the caseworkers have been there too long that they are now callused and don’t have the empathy and compassion anymore. Like when I was there back in January, one of them was telling me about people sitting there stale but I don’t think that’s it. I think people are just not getting the help they need to deal with their barriers so they’re able to obtain gainful employment. It’s damn near impossible to find a job within school hours and that’s what I’ve tried to do since last year. If you don’t have afterschool care, you are completely fucked.

I’m not going to be surprised if I don’t hear anything more. I think it was a good refresher course for me to be reminded why I gave up the first time. You aren’t going to get the help you need to find and maintain employment. I feel like they just want people stuck in this shitty cycle because they’re looking out for their own paychecks. I truly don’t think they give a flying fuck about these single Mom’s and getting them where they need to be. Again, there’s only so much you can do without help.

I’m just tired of the same problems everyday and having no way to solve them. Even now, I’m still sitting here waiting for the lady from the after school program to call. I’m just glad that I didn’t tell my daughter about it.

Ya know, it’s like there’s so many places here that are constantly online talking about how they are so desperate for working and they’re hurting but people will go apply and never hear back. They LOVE to sit there and say, “no one wants to work anymore” but they don’t want to acknowledge how low the pay is, the mental and emotional abusive workplace they’re offering or accommodate anyone’s availability! It’s like I’ve been to several interviews in the past 2 weeks where I told them ahead of time what I’m able to work and they still scheduled me an interview where I got turned down anyways. It’s like it just gives them something to do and you get to waste your time and gas for nothing.

I remember the other day going to the one interview, getting turned down and my friend saying that I should have just blown up her phone bugging for a job. No, I think I expressed enough interest by applying and then wasting my gas to go interview that if they wanted to have hired me, they would’ve done it!!

Honestly, I don’t know what to be more pissed about. These places that just want you to forget about your kids or the fact that I don’t have childcare so I’m able to work. There’s plenty of people that are in the exact situation I am and aren’t available outside of school hours but are totally wanting to work. So many places want you to make your job more of a priority than your own children. I did that at a job for 7 years. My daughter spent more time in a daycare than she did at home.