Scripted Conversations in 2014

I think that one reason why solitude tends to be good for me is that I don't end up saying the same things over and over. The older I get, the more I realize that our subjective (often wrong) perception of reality is much more important to our actual (objective) actions than actual (objective) reality. The boundary between what is and what is not is not. There's a continuum of reality and unreality, and things can go back and forth. This frustrates me incredibly. I want things to be, or to not be. I want things to be measurably a way, or not a way. Alas this isn't the case. What we want to believe, or choose to believe, or, worst of all, say we believe often determines what we really do believe. Even if we don't.
I found myself talking to one of the few friends I did make in China today, and we ended up in a philosophical conversation (as we generally do). This was nice. I found myself going further and further into intelligent sounding things that I've said many times rather than expressing my actual opinions. I said what I knew, at first subconsciously but then consciously, would get the proper response rather than what I really felt or thought. I knew I was doing this as time progressed. Part of it was that I was texting on a phone while busy doing other things (something not conducive to deep thought and adequate expression), but, as I became aware, I realized that most of what I was doing was saying things that would get an answer that I knew how to answer. Our conversation followed the same path that all of my other ones do, going down the same meaningless paths I've explored long ago. It frustrates me. It really and truly does. I think that, for a while now, I've been aware of this habit, but I'm becoming more aware of it consciously, and I'm becoming more aware of how detrimental it is to my life and my thinking.
Simply put, when I say things I don't believe simply because it's a convenient belief, I am making my life worse, and the lives worse of anybody who'd listen. I convince myself of things that then get the chance to take root, and far FAR too much effort is wasted in removing those seedlings. It's easier to pull out a dozen yard tall thistles than it is to pull out a single clover plant that's worked its way through the ground cover. Even just the myriad little growing things that sprout out of dirt overnight. Those are the hard ones to remove.
The problem is, my conversations are scripted. When I talk to people, it's incredibly difficult for me to say something new. There are times I'll be having a conversation, and it's like being in a runaway train. I'll know I'm saying and doing the wrong things. I know that I'm moving in the wrong direction. But somehow, for whatever reason, the inertia is so great that I cannot stop it. It makes no sense to me why it's so difficult. Having been made much more aware of this by my experience assistant directing that last show, I'm more aware of it, and that's now my number one personal issue to fix.
One thing that's been nice about this Amber situation is that she criticizes me constantly. A lot of it has been insightful and valid. For that, I'm rather thankful. A lot of it has been dead wrong. But it was nice to stop, to really listen to what she said, to really REALLY analyze what I was doing, and to understand HOW she was wrong. As for why, that's another matter. This subject, my scripts, is something that's come up. It came up with Courtney, too. I remember one time she and I were on a late night walk, and I insisted on shoe horning an Avenue Q reference into our conversation. It pissed her off. It wasn't anything bad in and of itself. But it still wasn't necessary. I think that I have a really hard time actually dealing with feelings and thoughts openly and honestly, so I fall back on stuff that makes things easier, which, for me, is sophistry, general cleverness, or humor.
I think that one of the reasons why solitude is so good for me is that it's really hard to pull these things on yourself.
I mean, you can always lie to yourself. That's easy. And you can attempt sophistry. But that's harder. Cleverness or humor? It's a lot harder to impress yourself and use that to deflect ideas and feelings. That's one of the reasons I'm glad Tris has moved out and that Woody will be gone soon.
I miss my walks. I used to listen to books on them. Now, I don't. I used to listen to books or music, really. Same when I was working in the garden. Now? I just move. I just give myself up to the drudgery, and, in that motion, in that movement, in that action, I find peace. I find myself so much more honest and content, so sincere, and so rehabilitated simply by ripping out dandelions, or circling through the condo developments another time. Same thing in Japan. I talked less and I did more.
I think maybe that's one reason why I was able to care so much for Rachael.
I know that's one of the reasons I tried to do more stuff with Amber in this recent pursuit.
Words are nice, but words are limited. Actions are what matter. Intentions barely matter. We are what we do. We do what we choose. Better to pull weeds silently in an ill kept garden than to tell the most brilliant of bullshit to a pretty Italian girl.