It's Sunday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I showered when we got back last night. I busted my ass to make extra money. My daughter was pretty good. We did have a couple of moments where she was definitely getting hot, tired, and ready to come back home. I woke up this morning with my feet hurting. I have some aches and pains so we’re staying in today. I have since made breakfast, cleaned up the house and laundry is in the dryer.

That interview I have in the morning is probably a no go. I talked to a girl that used to work there and she said they have multiple complaints about the GM and when she quit, they had 4 people left. It’s one of those places that’s completely toxic and it sounds like I’d catch a case. I also don’t want to interview for a job where I’m expected to be on my feet for several hours because my back won’t allow it.

It’s probably best that I wait until my appointment on Thursday and see what they tell me. I just don’t want to get a job where I’m unable to handle it physically. I just want to work but I need a job where I’m constantly moving around and will be able to sit sometimes. I am so tired of these back problems and how limited it is.

This heat is really getting to me. This is supposed to be the last super hot day. I think I’ll shower tonight before going to bed so I don’t have to in the morning. It’s a lot to get my daughter up and ready, cook breakfast and then get her to school. I do plan to go to that other place after I get her to school and see if they can help with my disability case. I really need to get help and see if I can even have a chance.

Being a single Mom with health issues is really a bitch. I just have one problem after another but hopefully by this time next week, my life will be heading in a better direction.

This thing where I don’t have a village really gets annoying. I just don’t understand how my Mom and my brother can sit and look down on me when so much of this is out of my control. I can’t change the fact that my kid’s deadbeat sperm donor doesn’t help physically, won’t pay CS and my kid didn’t get a spot in the after school program. I wish they were just as quick to offer help as they are criticism. They’ve never been single parents and they don’t care because it isn’t them. I know if my brother was in this situation, he would be taking a trip to the fucking nut barn. I know damn well he wouldn’t be able to handle even a fraction of the stuff I do.

I saw a TT the other day about a Mom saying how she isn’t angry or bitter, just wants to see the Dad be held accountable. That’s exactly how I feel. I wonder if he’s EVER sat down and thought about what he would do if he was the single parent. It’s never even a thought for him but he manages to try and poison my daughter against me. I think he does it because he knows there’s PLENTY I could tell her so it’s like he wants to get ahead.

There’s been plenty of notes about GIrls Club. I have called on Friday yet again and they are full. It’s not an option. Too many people here who think they need free childcare when they don’t work and don’t plan on it. The girl I talked to earlier about that job said her kids are on the waiting list too. I just couldn’t image taking spots away from parents who actually need the childcare!! I honestly think they they need to regulate this shit better, not just take kids that are signed up and leave everyone else totally screwed over.

We’ve done dinner and bath. I’m definitely ready to get my shower taken and brush my teeth. My daughter didn’t bug to go anywhere today because we’ve been so busy. She’s definitely tired and I plan to get her down early. Tomorrow is back to the grind.

I’m glad that I took her with me to make money. It really wasn’t super stressful and for that I’m grateful. Pretty crazy that it’s easier to just take her with me than to have my Mom babysit. I like not having to pay someone with gas money, cigarettes, and have her over here eating my food every second she’s here. It’s nice to come home to my house being exactly as we left it and save money by not needing a sitter. I’m still pretty angry at how much my Mom used me when she was around and honestly, it’s something I will never forget.

I look at my own child and know that I would NEVER use her like my parents have used me. I could never expect my child to just allow me to sponge off of her. There’s just so much crap that they’ve done to me that makes it hard for me to want a relationship with them. My Mom called earlier and I didn’t even talk. She said hi to my kid and kept asking what she was doing. Her memory is really starting to go and I could tell she couldn’t really hear my daughter talking.

My parents should feel lucky that me and my older brother have anything to do with them. They gave us a shitty childhood and even in the past 10 years, they’ve never been a help to us or even a support. I just get annoyed with how entitled they act. Like the other day when my Mom asked about my daughter going with her Dad and she said, “any issues” and it said it in a bitchy tone like she already knew and just wanted something to talk about.

I get annoyed at how they act like they are just owed. I literally can’t stand it and that’s why I keep my distance. I don’t know owe them a fucking thing. They on the other hand owe me thousands of dollars. I don’t owe them even an explanation about my kid going with her Dad. They need to learn their fucking place. I’m also pretty annoyed that my brother told them anything because I don’t care for them to know anything, especially negativity. She’ll also ask about BD and I straight up say how I don’t talk to him and I don’t care to talk about him.

It’s like her focus is more on him being a piece of shit to my child than her being one. It’s no more okay for her to be absent than it is for him! My daughter is pretty adapted to everyone’s absence at this point but she shouldn’t have to be! But, it’s not my job to constantly beg for them to be involved either. I just do what I can to make her feel so loved that she doesn’t need people like them. I remember telling my friend years ago that it would help me tremendously if everyone said that they aren’t around because that’s their choosing! I remember numerous times sending texts to everyone letting them know when my next day off was if they wanted to come by and see her and I’d get ignored but then be told that they just didn’t feel welcome!

No one cared from the start and they’ve done nothing to change. I can’t make them care nor am I going to burn myself out trying to make them. My daughter is growing up seeing this for herself and she’s going to have her own opinions. It’s like when BD thinks it’s cool to sit and badmouth me. She told me the other day that she knows everything he says about me is not true so if he thinks this shit is helping him, it’s not. I just worry about how it affects her and the fact that he’s just continuing to abuse me.

Like it’s not enough he financially is abusing me by not paying CS and has been absent much of her life but then thinks he’s entitled to try and poison my child against me too. I have since blocked him on Facebook because I’m not going to allow him to abuse me through my daughter on my phone and the internet that I pay for!

Everyone wants to train me to be okay with a lot of shit that I’m not going to be. I don’t have to put up with any of it and I shouldn’t have ever allowed any of this shit by these motherfuckers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to keep doing it!