Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I really took my daughter with me last night and this morning to make some money. She did rather well and was chomping at the bit to go again today. We had fun and I definitely plan to take her again. It’s actually not too stressful having her with me and I like it because then I don’t have to worry about a babysitter or paying someone.

We’ve showered, ate breakfast and lunch. I’ve also gotten the house cleaned up. I’m happy to just be in where it’s cool because it’s another 100 degree day.

So I’ve really creep on the girlfriends Facebook page and see that she’s been in WY and now Denver for the weekend. I guess I don’t understand how she’s able to afford all this traveling when my daughter tells me that they don’t even have a TV. It’s funny how she told me not too long ago, “I don’t know why he won’t work” and it’s like okay but yet he’s always with you going out to town?! Like she just doesn’t want to acknowledge that she’s part of the problem?! Lol, whatever dude!

There’s this girl I used to work with that made a comment on someone’s post talking about a work from home job. I applied a few minutes ago. I probably won’t get it but I do think it would be easier to have a sitting job then trying to have a job where I’m on my feet for several hours. I know that I physically can’t do that so I’ve been applied everywhere that I’d be able to sit. I am uncomfortable in any position for too long but if I worked from home, no one would be able to see that I do stand up sometimes. I’m just afraid of getting a job where I have to be on my feet and then end up embarrassed that I’m in a lot of pain and can’t do it.

All I know is that I’m more than ready to figure out my life and start making moves. I want to work and be the person I used to be. I miss being able to afford damn near anything I wanted and not have to worry about money all the fucking time.

I haven’t heard from my brother since Monday when I told him I wouldn’t be picking his daughter up from school. I love how neither my brother or my Mom have anything to do with me once I stand up to them. I’ve given up plenty of my weekends to watch both kids so him and his girlfriend could go out where they didn’t give a shit that I was losing money. I don’t know how many times I’ve mentioned them watching my kid from like 4-8 so I could make money and then I would be willing to watch his kid overnight and that just doesn’t happen. I also think it’s bullshit how much her other cousin gets to be around but it’s quite different for my child. They’ve always made to be a really rare, special thing for my kid to be at their house and that’s fucking bullshit.

It really hurts my feelings that my daughter is treated so badly. I will never understand why. I honestly believe that it’s because she’s mine. I just wish people would love and appreciate her like I do. She’s absolutely beautiful inside and out, always caring about other people, and very good at listening and is an absolute joy to be around. I’m angry that she’s always been treated like an option for everyone around her. It sucks when you’re kid isn’t as important to people like they deserve.

I got Sprite yesterday and mixed in some grape nerds water packet and my daughter loved it. I also got her some spicy sausages that she loves. I don’t have a lot of money and can’t afford to buy her big expensive things a lot but I do what I’m able to and she definitely appreciates it. I’m glad that I’m able to do more for her than my parents did my whole childhood. I remember wanting a $.50 package of swiss rolls and my parents put them back so they could buy cigarettes. I will never forget that. Their needs were always the main priority. I couldn’t imagine ever being like that with my own child. I probably do more than I should but I always think about my childhood and the fact that she doesn’t have a Dad to provide for her.

My niece likes to tell my daughter that she’s spoiled. I disagree with that and I also don’t believe that it’s her business to worry about. She’s really hard on my daughter and that’s another reason I’m okay with staying away from them for awhile. She’s 12 and doesn’t have the adult mindset she thinks she has. I remember when I was pregnant and she was telling me how my daughter wouldn’t have a family because her Dad left me. Again, my brother and his girlfriend really need to be aware of what they are saying in front of her.

My daughter is taking a much needed nap. She was getting cranky. We were up late last night after she had school. I just feel bad that we don’t have more to do and more people to hang around with. I did get a text from the big sister and it sounds like she’s going to come get her for awhile tomorrow.

They called yesterday while we were out about TANF. It sounds like the month of August will be prorated from the day I signed up and I’ll get the payment for September like the next day. I have a couple of weeks before I’ll get any money. I’m hoping by then I’ll have found a job. Sitting there is better than sitting here by myself all day though. I just wish I wasn’t in pain all the time though. I asked how much my payment will be but she didn’t know. Hopefully I’ll get a letter and find out. It will probably be the same as before but I don’t know because the CS was increased and I know they go by that too.

As much as it sucks to be in this spot, I’ll come out of it. I am going to work very hard to change everything in my life that needs to be changed. I miss having a job and feeling accomplished. I also want to provide for my daughter with ease. It was so great before working and never needing help or having to worry about not being able to afford things that she needs. I want that again. I like to work and when I have a job, I’m a machine.