Void in 2023
- Aug. 28, 2023, 11:37 p.m.
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- Public
Yesterday the tears rolled silently down my cheeks all day.
Today they come in gasping waves.
Wave upon wave of sobs, crying out for you to come back. Over and over. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Wake up wake up from this nightmare. How is this still real?
Your Dad came by last night and pressed some cash into my hand. He said he knew I wouldn’t tell him if I needed help, so this way I have no choice but to take it. That means I can buy some groceries since my pension tomorrow is entirely rent, and my wee disability payment the next day is all bills.
Dee has been spending 90% of his time with his gf and her family which, as much as I don’t like/trust his girlfriend, her family is amazing and they’ve truly been so incredible including Dee in everything all summer. He’s been to Wonderland a couple times, camping, hanging out in TO just bumming around being a teenager. It’s been so good for him, keeping him busy.
He’s over at her grandparents with her right now and just messaged me that they want to get some groceries for us because Dee had mentioned we might be moving because I can’t hang on here by myself. I’ve been feeling so guilty that he’s been over there so much and they’ve been feeding him as it is, and now they want to help more.
I’m not good at this. I’m not good at asking for or accepting help, even drowning as I am. I hate feeling like I owe people. I will give and give and give of myself, never expecting anything in return, but I can’t comprehend that anyone else maybe wants to do the same? Pride is ruthless.
God I wish I could stop crying. My eyes are swollen and sore. The house is a fucking pigpen. I knew this would happen. I just wasn’t expecting it to last so long this time.
Jigger ⋅ August 28, 2023
Are you still going to live near your friends, and help them clean out their house? How far is that from where you are?
~*Phoenix*~ Jigger ⋅ August 28, 2023
I hope so. It's logistics at this point. It's an almost 3000km (1800mi) drive .. and I don't have a vehicle. I can't fly because no airline accepts my girls in-cabin anymore and I refuse to put them under the plane as cargo, that will never happen. I've looked into taking a train but that still comes close to $3000, which is cheaper than the $5000 estimate to rent a vehicle to drive the whole way. Plus the $2000 to ship my stuff in a uBox, again. So I'm in a pickle of paying to survive here but not being able to save up to afford to move. When I came here, I sold everything I had just about to make it work, including my car. I don't have that option anymore. So. I'm still trying to work out how to make shit happen but yes, that is still hopefully that plan.
Jigger ~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ August 29, 2023
There’s got to be a way around this.