On dying .. in 2023
- Aug. 27, 2023, 11:07 p.m.
- |
- Public
It’s a strange place to be .. not wanting to die, but not wanting to live either.
It’s been 146 days since you left and you don’t even know it - I’m the only one counting .. the only one keeping track. Why? I guess it’s like counting how many days it’s been since I died too.
I wish I wasn’t such a coward. I wish I could just leave too. Oh, but I have so much life left to live, right? So much yet to see and do and experience.
No.
I’m done. Thank you. I’m quite done.
I get out of bed and I wait all day until it’s bedtime again. There’s nothing in between. No life. No living. Just .. nothing.
It’s just time passing. Endlessly. I just want it to end. I’m so tired of existing. Taking up space.
I’m so fucking tired of you not being here. Why won’t this nightmare end?! Why haven’t I woken up yet?!
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was never ever supposed to be like this. We had our whole lives. What the fuck.
Why won’t this broken heart just kill me already?
Jigger ⋅ August 27, 2023
Ignore that guy. It’s not selfish. In some situations, it’s a perfectly understandable and valid choice. Not that I hope you’ll make it—but only someone completely heartless wouldn’t understand. Just outlive your dogs first. They need you, and while your kids are technically grown, they are still so young.
~*Phoenix*~ Jigger ⋅ August 27, 2023
I know I'll never make it. My doggos and my kiddos need me. Em made that clear when I told her what my wishes were in case something ever happened, they're old enough, you know? And she literally cried and told me she understood why I wanted her to know but that she didn't want to even think of it because she still needs her mama. That made me feel a lil better. I do want grandbabies. Its just so fucking hard.
Jigger ~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ August 27, 2023
You’re still wading through the hardest part. Keep going. Just keep going.
Grandbabies. Man. Someone asked me the other day if I had some.
anticlimatic ⋅ August 27, 2023
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mWRWiDUj6E
~*Phoenix*~ anticlimatic ⋅ August 28, 2023
This song is everything. Thank you. I've never felt a song so much before now.
anticlimatic ~*Phoenix*~ ⋅ August 28, 2023 (edited August 28, 2023)
Edited
You're very welcome. I heard he wrote it while sitting at a river in Tennessee, thinking about soldiers dying in the night while looking at the cold stars after a specific civil war battle that happened there.
~*Luna*Love*~ ⋅ August 27, 2023
Tomorrow will be 14 days since I lost my love and I completely understand what you mean about waking up and not living just waiting for time to go to bed again. Saturday was the first day I just couldn't get out of bed. I just wanted to stay in bed and reenergize. Sunday I got up and started working on decluttering and sorting through everything. I keep hearing that eventually it'll be easier. I just wonder when eventually is.