Sleepwalking in Current Events

I slipped back into one habit that I am trying to break. Just one little habit comes with a lot of baggage. It’s like I become somebody else. I have a different mindset, a different set of emotions and I’m not a big fan of this one.

Life, as we understand it, feels like a giant dollhouse. We just play house, play family, play career, play this, that and the other thing. Most of what we identify with does not exist in reality. It is an illusion. We are convinced that we are so advanced as a species but we call it madness when an individual is out of touch with reality. We don’t identify with reality or nature at all. Nothing we do or think is natural.

I look around and see that nobody is in control of their lives because they are not in control of themselves. Their egos are. Their thirst is. Their hunger is. Their libido is. Their fears are. Their emotions are. We’re sleepwalking through it all.

The extra baggage that comes with my habit is insecurity. I compare myself to others and then fall short. Do people outgrow this? Or do they just give up and stop trying to become a better version of themselves?

I have things that I want to do today but I can feel myself already trying to self-sabotage. I’m addicted to my routines. I simply want to create a new set of routines but my mind is lazy. It does not want to create new habits or belief systems. I can push through cognitive dissonance and social conditioning to deconstruct fundamental beliefs that were formed for me but I can’t change my daily habits. Maybe today I will write down step by step what I need to do and just do it in micro steps.

There was a motivational video I saw last week that took a funny turn. It is my current mantra to help me get started. It functions like Mel Robbins’ 5-second rule where you interrupt your thoughts and activate the pre-frontal cortex by counting down from 5 and then you just take action. The video was if you ever feel like you need motivation just remember… it cuts off and jumps to somebody else. Don’t be a bitch! Come on now!

Today’s baggage also includes me feeling vindictive and spiteful toward my roommate. Witnessing her wake and bake frustrates me. It’s just so deeply disappointing to see somebody waste their potential living like that. People who cannot function and act like their weed dependency make them such a higher version of themselves. They need it to do anything. This higher version of themself is just somebody with the ability to perform basic functions. Perhaps I am just projecting because I struggle to function at the level that I want. She is not going to contribute to anything in this apartment today or tomorrow. I’m lucky when she cleans up after herself which is the absolute least she can do. She improved since we had our talk, however, she is still a lazy pathetic stoner and her loophole is to just order takeout every single day so that there is no mess to clean. Not a big deal. Just frustrating. Meanwhile, I am barely cooking either. That’s another thing that I need to work on. Every day used to be a big production in that kitchen.

Dear self: Get over it you big bloated bitch bitching on Prosebox.

I want to have a good day and enjoy it so let’s go on with it then.