Things and other things in 2023

The struggle bus has been chugging along ever so slowly these last few weeks.

I hadn’t dusted or vacuumed or taken the garbage out or done the dishes in days. Dee hasn’t been home in 4 days, he’s gone camping with his gf and her family, so I really just went full stank bachelor and gave no fucks.

Grace shredded a pizza box from Dee’s room into eensy weensy teensy pieces a few nights ago and I hadn’t even bothered picking the pieces up.

But yesterday, while feeling especially sorry for myself and sitting in my 7 day old pajamas with my 7 day old greasy ass hair … a beautiful gift of groceries arrived at my door, sent by a very dear old friend out west. It was a spark in my dark painful day.

This morning that spark had become a crackling little fire of energy .. I picked up the cardboard, dusted, vacuumed, watered & rotated my plants, organized and put things away, changed my bedding, and had a shower. I got my shit together today.

..... this entry has taken me days to complete .... that was yesterday I think? Day before maybe Idk? Idk. It’s now Tuesday.

I’ve managed to keep the apartment clean. I even had another shower today. I’m preparing for the worst though.

Due to my own ineptitude, I forgot to call my anti-depressant refill in on Friday … I ran out on Sunday. I called it in yesterday and picked it up today but that’s Sunday night & Monday night doses missed. Fuck.

I honestly fucking panic when I miss a dose. I’ve been on the same anti-depressant for 22 years, I’m a wreck 2-3 days after I miss a dose - usually only for a day and then I pick back up after getting back on but I’ve missed two in a row now. Fuck.

So. At least the place is clean, I’m clean, there’s food in the house, thank you Aunti Hamz, so when the missed dose days swallow me up for a while at least shit is taken care of.

Part of the process I guess? Mental health doesn’t scare me, it’s so freaking important that we treat our mental health as importantly as we treat our physical health, if not more so .. I just know what happens to me when this shit happens :(

I’m so mad at myself. You’d think after all these years I would remember to fill the fucking prescription every 3mos. But nope. I do not. It’s so frustrating.

Cross your fingers for me for the next few days 😑