and then we move forward in Second 1st

..... So I’m reading this book. I can’t read fast (never been able to) but I retain all I read. Good for some situations not so much for others. For example, it seriously sucked in school because it took forever to read a chapter for science or books for English.... to a point, my mom taught me how to skim for answers because I was taking too long. Not a big deal now as reading is a choice. This book though.... tries to teach me self-compassion. I need processing time on top of reading time. .... annoying but I’m doing it.

This last week was a huge amount of stress.... Monday took Sammy to the airport.... the friend who was going to take him bailed at the last min. I didn’t mind, I was mentally prepared for it. I sent him up for a 6 hr trip with a couple of pot gummies. He hates flying but obviously the drive from San Diego, Calif. to Smyrna, TN would be too much.... and then back!.... nah we can put that off till some time in 2026..... Graduation will be May 2025 but he will stay for a bit I imagine.... if not forever..... It’s a trip I already must consider when it comes to large lump sums of money (such as taxes). In order to ensure we both get there .... and his mom … though honestly if she can’t pull it together with all this notice I’m not sure I would want her there.

When Sammy had visited, his dad was home. (He’s a truck driver so sometimes he’s not) Upon seeing Sammy he didn’t recognize him. Sammy and I both thought that was pretty sad because he hasn’t changed at all. .... I highly doubt he will take a trip to Cali for Sammy graduation..... but I’m not missing it.... His visit was nice.... we had plenty of talk time for me to explain the Jake situation and I made sure to tell him “No matter what happens with Rocky and I, I will always be your friend. I will never make you choose. I am so proud of you and there is really nothing you could ever do to make me not love you.” He said “That feels like what my parents should have said.” Poor guy. .... anyways....

Tuesday Rocky had to borrow my car to give plasma.... this has not been helpful and I talked to him about putting it on hold till he gets his car back up. .... There is some kind of “no heavy activity” for 4 hrs after giving so he doesn’t do anything on the car Tuesday and Thursday.... and I’ve lost motivation to work when I come home so.... Last week he only did anything Wednesday but....

Then, I struggled to get my minimum goal and failed because I needed today off. In order to get back on 100 a day tomorrow I needed a bit of rest. I was actually tired enough I almost cried over it yesterday so I took a Diazapam before bed to help me get and stay asleep. I woke up several times this morning unable to get up.... and finally getting up groggy at 7:30.

Today is the usual house cleaning. I think that in the course of reading this book things are catching up to me.

I talked a bit about my “horribly good” work ethic in therapy.... and went through the ups and downs of the last entry..... AND.... after only 4 episodes of “This is Jen’s life” the therapist has decided to send me to a psychiatrist. She believes some meds might really help.... so now I wait… she sent a referral to the NP that saw me last and said it will likely be sent Monday. Then I should hear from the psych’s office within 2 weeks for an appointment. Not sure if it’s scary or exciting....

It is a bit of what I feared.... having to explain things several times in order to get any help that works.... but also.... omg I may actually be able to get help that works!.....

Welp… Time to get on with it.... looking forward to Sativa Sunday afternoon.... when I veg out watching tic tok and forget that I care about most things. Jake is going to the Ren Faire today so there really won’t be anyone to chat with and be stupid.... so it’s going to be a quiet day. ....

I have homework to do.... need to write out a paper on why I think I choose people who need help as partners..... Easy shit.... 100% know the answer.... so that should take all of 5 mins… whenever I do that.