Greatest Hits in Current Events

My roommate started unplugging the coffee maker again which is only a minor inconvenience to me as I only use it to look at the time. She isn’t trying to save on the electrical bill, she does not know how to turn it off. She usually just takes the empty pot and put it on the stove and wait for it to time out. What appliance does not share an off/on switch?

She has her alarm clock working again. Me. She hasn’t figured out how to set an alarm on her phone so she relies on me. There was a long period where she was on her own. Prior to that she would sleep with her door open a crack to ensure that she hears me. One morning, I tiptoed and quietly got myself ready for work. She was late for her that day. That night she started to sleep with her door wide open.

That one time she knocked on my bedroom door after a power surge. “Do you have any lightbulbs? Mine burnt out in the bathroom.” We have four bulbs above our mirrors (we each have our own bathroom). All I did was flick the switch and she had her lights back on. She honestly thought that four lightbulbs burned out simultaneously.

We had one week where she was upset because all of her appliances stopped working. Her vacuum, her hair dryer, her hair straightener. What shitty luck. I went to use the TV and realized that there was no power. She tripped a breaker. She kept trying to use the same outlet so she thought everything was broken.

This blonde went to her doctor and said “Yo doc, it hurts everywhere I touch son.” And the doctor said “show me.” She started poking herself all over her body. “It hurts here and here and here.” The doctor tells her that her finger is broken.

These are just some of the greatest hits from my roommate. She’s been a pothead since she was 18. We are 37 and a half. She’s so brain damaged. The worst part is that she is one of those people who thinks something is stupid if they can’t understand it. Therefore, everything everyone does and says is stupid and she is the most brilliant person in the room at all times.

There are little things that make my eye twitch. I bought patio furniture, made the balcony all nice and pretty and she moves everything into a corner cutting off all access to it to make room for her bike. She is trying to shove her clutter into my shelves at the moment. I hate clutter, I also aim for aesthetics which is something I thought she would understand as she wanted to go to school to become an interior designer. She bought a snake plant for her office that she brings home. She just plops it on my shelf for me to rehabilitate. She got uppity about me moving it once. I have to space out the plants, she always blocks the light of the other ones I have. Just can’t think too far beyond herself.

She’s one of those woman who will drink anything but water and then complain about headaches and bad cramps. It’s hard to witness her live the way she does but she can make her own choices. She isn’t free from the consequences, of course. There is no immunity from that. She has alopecia, and psoriasis and now an egg allergy. Her liver and lungs are shot. They’re spilling over. She keeps putting poison in her body. That’s the real recipe for disease. It’s not virus possession.

Anyway, we are on good terms. I think? She got weird again. I just had a flashback the other day about all the dumb shit she’s done and said. If she was 20 with no life experience it wouldn’t phase me. This is a woman who lives out of storage totes and eats cereal as a whole meal three times a day.

Today I drive out to visit my baby sister. It’s going to be psychotically hot out with no clouds, just like it was during the last drive. I honestly just want a beach day. I want to lay in a field and tan. I can do that another day.

I feel guilt ridden about putting off everything this work week. I didn’t even exercise once. I’m adjusting, I can forgive myself. I did reach out to my internet service provider and asked for better hardware because of the performance issues I’m having. They’re sending it today hassle free.

Last updated August 20, 2023