Wednesday. in Since OD is shutting down....

We’ve already gotten up and did breakfast. It’s already super hot and I plan for us to stay home and in the cool today. Big sister wasn’t able to make it yesterday so I called my brother and had his daughter come with us to the park and got some stuff at the Dollar Tree. We hung out out there house and watched a movie. We got home pretty late but because of the heat, I took a shower before bed and we slept well.

I was talking to my brother’s girlfriend and she seems to think that I should say something sooner rather than later because then it doesn’t seem like I’m just holding onto all this stuff. I completely agree but none of this would be easy to bring up and I don’t want to until I feel that it’s necessary. I’d rather not say a word unless they want to take her again otherwise it’s pointless. I think it’s crazy that grown people choose to live like that and it’s not like they have jobs so there’s no excuse.

I have gotten plenty of notes about my situation where everyone is saying that this shit just wouldn’t fly but I’ve seen way worse happen and nothing is done. I do plan to find someone that can maybe help me or at least get this shit reported but even then, I don’t see anything becoming of it considering everything I’ve been told is from my 6 year old. My daughter doesn’t have a history of lying and I believe every word she’s saying but that doesn’t mean authorities will though.

Plenty of people have been through a lot of the same stuff and talk about it on social media where they basically say to lower your expectations for the other parent and just understand you can’t control everything. I am not seeking control, just for my daughter to have supervision, a clean place to be and no one giving her any type of medication/vitamins without talking to me first. I really don’t think I’m asking for much at all. I remember 3 years ago when he took her and it was a lot of the same issues and that’s why visits stopped. I just didn’t think my child was in a safe, healthy place and my anxiety was at an all time high.

I also am pretty annoyed with the girlfriend because she started out with a good head on her shoulders and I had such a good feeling about her. I really thought she was going to make him get a job and become a decent person but all of that has fallen off. She just accepts that he’s not going to work and that’s why I now have lost a lot of respect for her. I shouldn’t have to do it all on my own and not only have I for 6 years, but I have to keep doing it because he’s never going to get a fucking job.

It’s very trying to not be bitter and letting go of the past isn’t an easy thing to do. When he’s not involved, it’s so easy to forget. The anger goes away. The fact that I’m tied to this person for the rest of my life and having to share my daughter with someone that has done nothing but be abusive to me is awful. I don’t think there’s a worse feeling. I feel like the abuse is just going to continue through my daughter and I need to find someone who can give me some solid legal advice.

I will never understand where he has any right to be bitter. I’ve left the guy alone to “live his life” and I’ve taken on all the responsibility for the both of us. Yet, he still says negative things about me to our child. He still doesn’t pay CS and probably never will again. All I’ve ever done is play the wait and see game. Wait and see if he’s going to be a Dad. Wait and see if he’s going to help financially. My daughter still has no idea what it’s like to have another parent.

My life sometimes just feels like a sick joke. I feel like I’m just surrounded by people who are mentally ill in some aspect and refuse to take any accountability for how their actions have affected myself and my child. It’s like they can do no wrong. I’m left with so much anger, resentment, and anxiety. I’m angry with the way everything has happened for my kid and what we are left with. I’m just trying to gracefully play the cards I’ve been dealt and just do the absolute best for my child. She deserves a happy, healthy Mom and I do believe that I give her that every single day no matter how I feel on the inside.

I understand that things could be a lot worse but they could be a lot better too. I definitely struggle daily with not having any support and just trying to make the most of our lives.

My daughter definitely misses her Dad but she’s not in a bad place with things either. I think she understands what when she sees him, she sees him and if he doesn’t call then that’s totally fine. It makes me in a better place knowing that she’s more accepting of all this and she knows that this is just how it is. It’s not fair by any means but we both know that it’s never going to be the picture perfect situation because he’s not capable of being the Dad she needs. The first couple times they took her and him not really calling when she came home affected her terribly but this time she’s doing a lot better with it.

There’s a lot that my brother has said about this. He’s talked about how kids need to go through stuff to make them stronger. He agrees that it’s not fair that she’s had to deal with an absent Father and will have to continue to deal with it but all kids need to have their fair share of problems or they are going to grow up not seeing life the right way. I agree to some extent but after 6 years of her life and things with her Dad are still not anywhere they should be, I’m the one to watch her go through it. I pick up the pieces. I know that I have never made her feel the way he has and that’s a comfort but I just don’t always know what to say and I’m sick of wondering if I’m doing the right thing by letting her see him at all.

I’ve always had a lot of regret allowing him into her life. I’m frustrated that when I allow visits, he uses it as a chance to bad mouth me. Why would you waste your parenting time bashing anyone at all. I just worry about my kid internalizing all the crap he feeds her and it affecting our relationship whether it be now or in the future. I do plan to bring all this up to the girlfriend the next time I hear from her.

We went and picked up some free canned goods and went to the park. We stopped at the store to get toothpaste, wax melts, ibuprofen, Motrin, and ice cream. It’s hot as shit outside and I plan for us to stay inside for the rest of the day. I’m definitely getting overstimulated because my kid isn’t listening well today and I’m ready for school to start. I love her but it’s been non stop since she got home on Friday.

It’s still bullshit that my niece stayed over Saturday night into Sunday afternoon and my brother didn’t take my kid for even a couple of hours. I also took her with us yesterday for a couple of hours as well. I don’t get how I can do so much and get nothing in return. They got just as much of a break from their kid but still can’t ever take my mental health into consideration. It’s just never been a thought to anyone around me.

I envy the women who have a village and their kid’s Dad are involved and they can actually trust them with their children. I just wish I felt that my daughter was in a safe place with safe adults when she goes and I don’t feel like she is. I’m honestly hoping they just go away and there’s not another plan to take her.

As far as visits go, I think I’ll make it to where it was before where they can pick her up after school for a couple of hours. My daughter enjoys her time with them but she’s expressed her concerns about the condition of their house and doesn’t want to be there. I also don’t want to send her with stuff and have to replace it when things don’t get returned. It just makes more sense for them to only see her a couple of hours here and there. I just don’t want my child 3 hours away for days at a time knowing that she’s outside without supervision, their house is filthy, and someone giving her gummies at bedtime.

Since no one seems to care about him not contributing financially, I need to make this more convenient on my end where I don’t have to spend even more money on stuff that gets left there.