Maintain perspective. in Since OD is shutting down....

After my daughter telling me that the kids go out to play by themselves all day long with no supervision, there’s dog poop all over their house and the latest of the girlfriend giving her gummies that make her tired before bedtime… I have decided that I’m not going to say anything until they want to take her again. I want to give myself time to process everything and be able to approach it the best of my ability.

Even if I’m nasty to her, he’s going to sit back and enjoy getting that negative reaction so he can just talk more shit about me. I definitely plan to voice my concerns but I’m going to be super cool about it. Honestly, I’m low key hoping they just don’t plan to take her again and I won’t have to worry about it but if they do, I will make sure visits are super limited to a couple of hours. I know that this isn’t healthy for my daughter but I also worry because he’s made threats to take ‘legal action’ and the famous, “I’ll see you in court” so I’m trying to be as decent as I can be. I know that he’ll never do it but I also don’t want to prompt it either.

There’s no easy way to talk about someone’s house being filthy or them giving your child unspecified gummies but I’ll do the best I can. I’ve been watching plenty of videos on Tik Tok about all of this and they are saying none of this is enough to stop visits which really makes me uncomfortable. I definitely don’t want to be the asshole in this at all and want to keep everything as civil as I can but it’s very upsetting to know your child is eating food in a house filled with poop and it smells bad. I’m concerned that the kids are outside all day without supervision and her giving my child gummies without my knowledge or consent.

My daughter has made it clear that she wants to spend time with them still but knows that the way they live isn’t okay. Just yesterday her telling me about the girlfriend giving all the kids these gummies before bed that made her tired honestly makes me want to start screaming. Where would you just take it upon yourself to give random shit to someone’s kid? My daughter said that her Dad wasn’t around when she had given those to her so I’m unsure if he even knows but he’s never been a parent so wouldn’t the logical thing to do would be to ask me? Her MOTHER?!

I would NEVER give someone’s child medication/vitamins without talking to the actual parent first. Why would you take that upon yourself? What if my daughter had a reaction to whatever she was giving her? They live hours away from a hospital. Even if it was just Melatonin, kids can have reactions and none of them are good. This is just hugely concerning and I don’t want to risk my kid being there overnight again.

All I know is I’d really like to visit with a lawyer before there’s another visit. I seriously feel like it’s time to talk to someone and find out my rights and where I stand with all of this. Even talk to another Mom who’s been through something similar that could tell me how to feel, what to say, what to let go of and how to approach my concerns without causing conflict. I know 10 years ago I would have already done handled this bitch but now I try not to be super aggressive or confrontational. I’m all about maintaining perspective and keeping the peace for the sake of my child.

Believe me, I know these people are fucking toxic and that’s why I was glad her ‘Dad’ was out of the picture for so long. I honestly wish he would just fucking die off and I’d never have to worry about him ever again. It sucks to be caught between my daughter needs her Dad to wanting him completely gone. She really does enjoy spending time with him but I just don’t know how healthy it is for her. They don’t even clean their house and to me, that’s being really irresponsible and not taking any responsibility for your own life.

We’ve done breakfast, shower, and I’ve swept the kitchen and bathroom. My daughter goes with her big sister this afternoon so I’ll get a little break and then Thursday evening we go to her school. It’s crazy that in a week she’ll be at school and I need to figure out my life. I have to send in my paperwork for TANF and get the ball rolling on that. I really don’t want to do that again but I’m in a better place mentally to give it another shot. I know it would be better than sitting here by myself all day long. I’m hoping they’ll be able to find me a program or something to suit my needs.

Again, it’s not fair that I have to worry about money, bills, and taking care of my daughter while he gets to sleep all day and do whatever he wants. I just try to have faith that his choices are going to catch up to him someday. I’m just grateful that I only had 1 kid because I don’t know how the single Mom’s of multiple kids do it with zero help. I have been in the darkest corners of my mind with doing it on my own that I couldn’t imagine having several kids.

We are just chillin, waiting for awhile for the big sister to come. It’s hot and will be for the next several days. It’s crazy to think by this time next week, my daughter will be back at school. I feel so fortunate that I don’t have to put her in a daycare and have that worry anymore.

I feel grateful that I don’t hear much from my Mom these days. I know she was hoping to hear some negative when she called on Saturday but I refuse to give them shit to sit around and talk about. They don’t care from positive perspective, they just like the negative. I don’t plan to tell her anything anymore. I don’t like how there’s no actual concern for my child or myself, but just people wanting to hear negative things for gossip. It’s sad that they are like this but family is supposed to be a support, not sit around and talk shit about your situation. My Mom has always been the first to criticize and the last to offer help. I’m pretty over it.

I’m also tired of hearing about their money problems. I don’t know how many times I’ve talked to her on phone where she’s told me they’re going to the food bank or they don’t have any money and she’s waiting for me to offer them groceries. They need to understand that we only have so much to last for the month and when it’s gone, it’s gone. I’m not going to have my kid sitting around going hungry on account of them. I starved as a child and I won’t have my kid growing up the same way. Food is expensive as shit so I am always mindful of what I’m buying, how often, and what I spend every time I get groceries. I used to buy at least $100 worth of food every week until she was here eating us out of house and home so now I don’t spend that much because it just goes way faster, even with her not being here. They need to understand they aren’t just taking from me anymore, they are taking from my child too.

I think that because I had a child later in my life, they just got so used to taking from me that by the time I had her, they didn’t really care that they were taking from my daughter too. I don’t know how many times I’d show up with food at their house where my Dad would go hide it and wait for us to leave before they’d eat it. I get help with groceries because of my daughter so they are straight taking from her. I can’t even begin to describe how furious it would make me. I remember being there one time where I’d brought dinner and kept talking about how I only have so much time to feed my kid before she got upset and my little brother would talk about how he’s not going to put up with it! Um, we could maybe cook the fucking food I brought!

They are just so selfish and mean about things. Their overblown sense of entitlement is absolutely astounding. I just hate even talking to my Mom because she’s always trying to make me feel like it’s just my job to fucking help them! I’ve helped them with thousands of dollars all these years where they made NO attempt to pay me back and I just refuse to fucking help anymore. It’s not help, it’s enabling. They waste their money and then expect everyone else to figure out how the fuck they are going to have gas and food. It’s total bullshit.

I also like how my Dad is a complete asshole unless I bring food and money. My Mom has always claimed that shit isn’t true but I’ve dealt with his shit my whole life. It doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist to know that if you come empty handed, he’s an asshole but if you bring a trunk full of groceries and a handful of cash, he’s as nice as can be. I am not going to allow someone to treat me that way. I just don’t feel like having relationships with people that come with a hefty fucking price tag. It’s also bullshit how many times my kid has watched me bag up our food and give it to them. She’s never said anything about it but at some point she will and I don’t know what the fuck I will tell her.

Honestly, I don’t even care how much they owe me. I would just like to not ever feel obligated to help them ever again. We are all adults and therefore shouldn’t be ‘helping’ each other anyways. Whatever they’ve borrowed from me and wasn’t paid back, I have already cut my losses on it. I just don’t care to have a relationship with them where it’s costing me and taking from us. Even on Father’s Day, I fucking drove out there with groceries and beer where I didn’t even get a thank you for it. It’s like any time I try, there’s nothing said about it. Whatever money they have given me over time, I’ve given it back to them.

My brother and I have sat around talking about them and their money issues and we just don’t get how they are so broke. They own their house, their cars. I also don’t understand why they don’t apply for food stamps because none of them are working. My Mom could also apply for Medicaid but they just don’t want to anything. I remember about a year ago I had gotten gas from a church and then I told my Mom to call them where she said that they weren’t doing it anymore. I was like okay well they just helped me like 3 days ago. I think they are just too embarrassed but it’s like well isn’t pawning stuff also embarrassing too?!?!?!

It’s really ridiculous how they are embarrassed getting help from a church or some type of organization but they aren’t embarrassed by mooching off my brother and I. Like there’s help out there that you don’t have to pay back but you’d rather milk off your kids?! I know that I would NEVER ask my child for anything, especially if I didn’t have to. Even if I did borrow money, it would be paid back right away. I wouldn’t just fucking hide out and wait for her to forget like they’ve done to me my whole life. My Mom wasn’t around until my kid was like 3 and I remember her calling me one night when she was babysitting for my brother and had me come over just to ask if I had gotten a nice tax check?! Um, she waited literally 9 fucking months to ask me that question? I told my friend I would have been more receptive if she would have been present in my daughter’s life or helped me with money but I barely ever heard from her!

I’ll never forget one night when my daughter was super small and she came over at like midnight when she’d gotten off work to stay the night because it was snowing hard and she had to work the next morning. She kept both of us up super fucking late and then told me how she was going to sleep in. I woke up and spent hours hoping she’d wake up and maybe help with my daughter so I could get sleep. I hadn’t slept in months at this point and was literally sick. She didn’t so I spent the day driving around with my daughter because I was pissed enough to fucking snap on her. I remember changing my daughter in the backseat. She’d finally left so I came home to get us ready because I had to get her off to daycare and myself to work.

I walk in to my house where there was a sink full of dirty dishes, crap everywhere and she had taken my diabetic medication. She had called the police to do a welfare check on me because she wanted to at least pretend like she cared. I had never been more pissed in my whole life. She treated us like completely garbage and didn’t care that I was so sleep deprived that I had killer headaches everyday. She came over just to be disruptive. There was a few times she spent the night after I had my daughter to ‘help’ me but just ate all my food and then talked about how she was not feeling well so she didn’t help at all. There was so many times where she didn’t even hold my daughter the whole time she was here.

My Mom is a piece of work, even without my Dad’s influence. I’m angry at how much she’s used me and treated me like shit. She came around for about a year and a half when she had her affair but it was just to take advantage of me and my daughter wanting her around. She ate/wasted probably over 1K worth of our food and didn’t give a fuck what it was costing me for her to be around. She took advantage of our feelings and that’s something I’ll never forgive. She pulled a ridiculous amount of shit and I will never allow it again. I look at my daughter and I couldn’t imagine treating her the way I’ve been treated.

My parents think that unless you are doing for them, that means you love them. If you aren’t doing for them that means you just don’t care. I can honestly say that I do feel I’ve done more for them than they’ve done for me my entire life and yet, they still feel that they’re just owed. I’m done feeling like I just ‘owe’ anyone.

Sometimes I marvel at how disconnected my older brother is. He’s completely severed himself from their bullshit. I have as well. It just takes time. I remember my ex always saying how he’s never seen parents like mine. It’s honestly just really humbling. No one should have people like this for parents. I didn’t grow up with role models, I grew up watching people I didn’t want to be like and situations I never wanted to be in. I think part of the reason I don’t try to find a guy is because I don’t want to end up like my Mom. There’s no way that I would let some guy run my life and make sure I never have a fucking dollar to my name.

She mentioned that she’s still doing her online training for her new job but she did this about a year ago where she spent more time getting hired and doing training than she did actually working. I think that job lasted about 2 weeks and I’m sure this will be the same thing. Somewhere along the way, she comes to the realization that he’s going to make sure her paycheck is spent faster than she can earn it so there’s no point in working. He LOVES to make sure they never have any money. I remember how much she liked to go thrift and rummage sales but he likes to make sure there isn’t money for that crap, probably because he doesn’t want to have to drive her.

These aren’t people I consider to be my parents. They are people just related to us. My Mom has never been any kind of support for my daughter and myself. She’s actually done what she could to make me feel like a piece of shit. I think my Mom feels better about herself to make little snide comments about my life. I thank God everyday that I don’t expect anything from her and that I don’t need her for anything. My daughter mentioned her coming over the other day where I told her that we know she doesn’t do that.

It sucks that people have been like this because I have to be transparent with my daughter so she knows to not have expectations either. I honestly feel like my mental health is so much better by keeping them people at a safe distance where I don’t have to hear about their money problems and negativity. I can’t stand listening to it anymore. It’s fucking draining as fuck.