PTSD in Random Feelings

I actually have flashbacks to bad points in my life. I wasn't always able to recognize that this was what was happening to me. I didn't understand why I had these overwhelming feelings of sadness sometimes, or these terrible feelings of paranoia, like, "Hey, this person really hates you, they're only faking friendship," or love or kindness or whatever. Probably because whenever one of my parents was kind to me when I was a kid I felt like they were faking it out of some sense of guilt. I never trusted gifts from my mother.

I've always had a hard time accepting love, always been very suspicious of it, because I've never felt it was unconditional. Okay, I'm pretty much suspicious of everything. There's no such thing as a free lunch.

I hate feeling like a whiner. I hate the idea that someone would pity me. More than anything, I hate the idea that there are aspects about me, my life, who I am as a person, that are worthy of pity. I hate feeling like there's no shovel big enough to dig myself out of this hole that is my existence.

I hate doubting the people I love, I hate doubting their love for me, I hate not being capable of believing that someone could love me, I hate my insecurities.

I pretty much hate me most of the time.