No in 2023

Your Dad came by this evening, and brought me weed. It’s sweet that he still thinks of me.

It was nice to chat with him for a bit. We talked about you. He smiled and tapped the Toronto face mask hanging from the rear view mirror of the truck, “Still got this” he said, “right where he left it.” He told me that he’s going to order a .. idk what to call it, a necklace that holds a little bit of your ashes .. and hang it with your face mask in the truck, so you’re always there with him.

He seems so very much older now .. I guess we’ve all aged a lot these last 3 months. The spark isn’t in his eyes anymore. It hurts my heart. I lost you, but he lost his oldest son. Your Mom lost her oldest son. Your brother & sister lost their old brother. They had you your whole life, and theirs .. I only had you for a little while.

I wish I could be a better daughter in law .. I wish I could comfort them.

Your Dad asked me how I was .. I’m honest with him, it’s safe to be. I told him I was in a pretty dark place still. He asked, “Better though?” and I truthfully replied, “No.” and started to cry. He nodded and teared up too.

What a pair we must have made .. he sitting in the truck, strangely parked in our parking space, and me leaning against the driver’s door, resting my chin on my crossed arms on the open window when my head got too heavy to hold up.

We talked about your memorial and he suggested that maybe your birthday would be a nice time for everyone to get together to spread some of your ashes on the ball diamond.

I’d like that … I think. I don’t know if I want to spend your birthday alone and it gives me another 3 months to get my emotions in order to be able to celebrate your life.

I’ve asked our Destiny clan online to organize a raid night for my birthday in a few weeks. I don’t really wanna be alone for my birthday either, but I also don’t want to go out and be with people so .. sort of a pickle I put myself in.

At least the guys understand .. you’d be proud of them, Babes. They make sure I’m only playing alone if I want to be (which I usually do, but still) and, fuck, they’ve helped me complete so much shit on your character that you & I never in a million years thought we would. And they did it for you. Mick said it was an honor to help me take your character as far as I could to memorialize you. Online friendships … who knew? Oh ya, we did.

Anyways. It’s been a really super shitty few days and I don’t understand why. It’s not like there’s been any good days since you’ve gone but this last week has been an extra special level of hell.

I miss you so fucking much. So much. I sit here, blankly, trying to come up with words to describe this and there just aren’t any.

My heart continues to claw its way out of my body .. every single moment of every single day .. ripping apart my soul with her cries.

I miss you.