cause it's never gone.... until it is.... in Second 1st

I am on the verge of losing it. It being my sanity. Feels like I’m on the edge of a cliff about to fall off.

It’s not a good Meniere’s day.... I’ve had more good than bad and you’d know that by the fact that I don’t write about it like I used to. It’s not an everyday debate whether I will work or not. The last few days though really....

I’m highly stressed.... how do people live life without stressing over everything?

Back in I don’t know probably .... well I looked it up just now and my car (white Saturn) was taking up most of the driveway for Rocky to repair a broken Control arm in September. It wasn’t long after that that Rocky decided he needed to repair his own and ordered the parts to do so. I know when winter was over I started with “You should work on it now while it’s cool.” I know he has terrible ADHD and is easily distracted and I was ready for the challenge of pushing him.

I did.... I have mentioned it at least once a week .... and It was a mess with the accident where there was no way we could have the vehicle down.... then we got Denzel (2012 Silver Ford Fusion) and I pushed harder because I had a few things I needed him to do before a trip to MI. He ended up taking a pass and working on my car to have it road ready for a long trip. Once I got back I went back into “Summer’s only going to get hotter.”.... being honest I’ve done more than my share. I hate that he makes nagging my job. If I didn’t constantly tell him to do things he wouldn’t.

I had been gone 3 weeks and left him a list of things I expected him to do before I got back. Most of it was done.... enough of it was done that I felt like he didn’t just play video games all day everyday.....

One thing that did not get done was “fixing the guest bed” One of the slats on the bottom had broken or something. No one was scheduled to visit so it was low priority but I knew doing it myself would cause issues.

I’m setting ya’ll up .... just reminders and info to lead you to where I am mentally....

My weekly minimum is $450 now because of the car and lawn mower.... I struggle on weeks when I have appointments and things. This next week is going to really test me and I don’t have it. It’s not me.... Rocky can finally give Plasma again starting last Tuesday. The problem is that with his car down there is no way I can make my needed minimum when he will be using my car for his appointments.

Last night I had to pick him up at work and the gate was down. I had a moment and panicked a little and turned around. I pulled in to a parking lot and called Rocky at work. I asked him wheat I was supposed to do and he said call Central Security the number is on the box at the gate. I was in no mood to talk to anyone because if I was allowed to be there the gate shouldn’t be down and I didn’t know what to say that would make me sound the least like an idiot. I worked it out in my head and managed to get in before Rocky got out.

I told him I’m never doing that again and that he would just have to take my car to work till he gets his car back up.... That I would have to work longer and harder on Monday-Thursday..... and of course on the ride home it struck me that I can’t do that because he will need my car Tuesday and Thursday for his appointments for Plasma donation. So.... he will need to finish his vehicle MONDAY....

It has taken him 2 weeks now to get 1/2 done because he had some issue with some bolts that he eventually worked out.

Sammy is coming to visit so that bed needs to get fixed He will come in tomorrow and be here till the 14th.... just a week but he needs that bed.

The dog has decided she’s no longer going to the bathroom in the area I would prefer because the grass is too high. I understand and I do not hold it against her but Rocky needs to mow. he knows it..... so.... here is where I am....

Rocky needs to finish the car (impossible), mow the lawn, and fix the bed TOMORROW. There is just NO WAY....in the entire time I’ve known him he has never gotten that motivated....

Last night I woke at 12:45 and threw up. 100% has to do with stressing out about all the things I can and can’t do that will come to a head tomorrow. I tried to sleep.... no point in being up super early because Rocky has my car. It had been pre-planned that I would take Sunday off so that’s no big deal.

Once Rocky left I rolled out of bed… 6:15ish… and started on that bed. After a fail on what I wanted to do it is now dismantled and the mattresses are on the floor. The sheet and blanket are in the wash and it only took me 5 hrs. .... I had to stop several times to let the dizziness pass and once to throw up.... so that was fun. Now I’m exhausted and angry.

I asked him to do it 2 months ago. He said he couldn’t do it alone but has not asked for my help to do it so I did it alone. I am paying the price of doing that.... and he will pay a price as well because he could have done it alone.... and easier than I.

At some point this morning I was on the phone crying to Jake about the points above and how stressed about it I am and he said “Just like a man.” “I need you to do better Jake. I can’t do this. If I ask you to do something I really do need it done. You can’t just put it off till I”m super stressed over it.”

Jake suggested I cancel the plans to have Sammy visit. The problem if they weren’t my plans they are his while schools out. He’s visiting friends and family while he’s here and honestly him staying here will be the only excuse he has to see his brother (Rocky). I will not cancel HIS plans because Rocky was too lazy to fix the bed.

Hopefully, I’ll get passed feeling stupid about the gate and not require myself to work harder because I believe the $100 a day goal is my limit.... and this week we have Chiropractor Monday then Rocky has Plasma Tuesday and Thursday.... then work Fri-Sun.

Lawn will only take 30 mins.... ours and Eddie’s (who is staying with his parents still). Would take me so much longer and so much more stress that it is not worth it to try.

I still have laundry, dishes, light house cleaning, meal planning for the week, and a grocery list… then a shower and a nap.... but honestly probably just pass out and not get up till 3am....I”m going to already have to cut somethings because I feel miserable after fixing the bed and I’ve got to get back to OKay to work tomorrow.

I’m furious with Rocky that I managed to fix the bed on my own when he “couldn’t”. I’m even a little angry and Jake for “Just like a man.” Like being a man is an excuse for being lazy and procrastinating things I needed. Especially because I’ve said them so many times over the last few months. I’m so tired of even talking to ROcky at this point. Like.... go be a “man” somewhere else....

and can I count on Jake being different? cause today.... today it doesn’t sound like it

I’m feeling like I”m at square one with all the effort I’ve put into being okay.... but it’s just a bad day.... it’s just a bad day on the Meniere’s roller coaster ..... Not to mention working on what anxiety means to me and preventing/working around it. I’m doing a lot of work on my own and it’s feeling more and more like it would be easier if it was on my own.... hell the bed would have never broken..... and had it.... would have been fixed in a week if I thought I had to do it alone.....