Daughter went. in Since OD is shutting down....

They actually got here about 30 minutes earlier than I expected. My daughter didn’t even tell me bye because she was so excited to go. They walked outside and she dropped her markers so I was at the window and yelled out to make sure they grabbed her booster seat. It’s been nice being able to enjoy the quiet and everything but I miss her. It’s not easy hanging out at home by myself. I can’t even watch certain things on TV because I think of her.

I still wish that all of this could have turned out so different. I’m angry that it’s taken us the better part of 6 years for things to improve. I just hope that he’s going to get a job and start paying because the longer he goes without a job, the less likely he’ll ever get one. It’s just not helping him to have a free place to live and someone to take care of him. I doubt she’s going to deal with it forever but he’s been there almost 3 months and hasn’t worked so it’s pretty unlikely that he ever will.

There’s going to be a sale on clothes this weekend and I’m going to start stocking up on school stuff. I’m kinda hoping my Mom might help me out with some money but if not, I’ll do what I gotta do.

I got help with gas this morning and it’s very much appreciated. I also got my medications and now I’m just sitting here. I’m debating on taking a nap. I don’t think my Mom is going to come through on giving me money so I need to put money in the bank for school stuff. I’m frustrated that there’s no one to help me get everything for her but it’s nothing new. I was on my own last year as well. There’s a backpack giveaway on the 12th but I don’t really want to go because I always worry about who I would run into and it’s just too much anxiety.

Still going shopping over the weekend for clothes. I’m hoping to get a haul like last year but I want at least 5 outfits. Most of her clothes still fit but I know she’d like some new stuff as well. Sucks that BD won’t be helping but I’m still hoping he may get a job at some point. I went to the post office to get the certified letting but I’ll have to wait until tomorrow. It doesn’t really matter considering I’ll probably never see a fucking dime anyways.

So I’ve watched some TV and watched the storm. I’m definitely bored. I text to ask how she was doing and then waited like 2 hours for a response which was kind of annoying but she said things are going good. Some people from a church brought me some food which helps out but I’ll still need to hit the grocery store. I’m not very hungry these days because of my medication but there’s like nothing here that I want to eat and I don’t feel like cooking.

Sitting here by myself is definitely starting to get to me and my daughter has only been gone since yesterday. I have a week to go. I’m lowkey hoping she wants to come back soon. I like the break but I have nothing to do.

I still haven’t heard from my Mom. I’m sure my Dad is making sure their money is spent to avoid giving me any which is completely alright because I just end up giving it back to them anyway. I would prefer to not get money from them because then I don’t feel obligated to help them out later. I told my friend that I’m willing to help out with like $20 or a dinner but I’m not going to run myself completely out of resources as I have a child to worry about and I like us to be able to eat all month.

There’s a place I’m going to call that helps with disability cases. I plan to call them tomorrow. I really need some help with this. Since CS isn’t forthcoming and I don’t get financial help from any where else, I need to either find a side hustle or do TANF. Money is a serious concern especially with everything being so expensive.

There’s a part of me that would like to explain my situation to the girlfriend but I’m terrified that she would just offer to keep my daughter until I got everything situated. My biggest issue is scheduling and finding a job that would be understanding if I needed to miss a day or leave early. I’m probably going to apply for TANF tomorrow because the girl that called the other day mentioned something about a medical deferral so maybe I could work it out where I wouldn’t have to be there or for 30 hours a week.

I’m angry that this is the predicament I’ve been left in and he’s still not caring enough to get a damn job. I can take care of my kid and have been by myself for 6 years but I obviously can’t do it all on my own. I have no help here and that’s not going to change. I know my brother will help with her sometimes but he wouldn’t ever do it enough to actually be a help. It is really frustrating that I don’t feel comfortable telling his girlfriend my situation because I’m too afraid of it getting used against me and him making it out where I’m just an unfit Mother. He wouldn’t see this as he helped create any of these problems at all.

My loneliness and boredom is definitely getting to me. I sat here all last year while she was in Kindergarten, I seriously thought I would going to lose my fucking mind. I am definitely an introvert and like time for myself but I’ve had way too much time to dwell in my feelings and sit with my anger that I realize now more than ever that I need to be doing something. I can’t just sit around jobless forever, nor do I want to.