26-Jul-2023 in --

I’m still overwhelmed.

My health is getting worse. I’ve begrudgingly seen my primary care doctor several times already this year. I’ve also seen a sleep doctor. Next up is a the neurologist, and I’m supposed to call the rheumatologist next but I keep forgetting. I forget a lot of things. I forgot to turn off the kitchen sink yesterday and fortunately my five year old let me know when she noticed, otherwise it would have been on all night. I have had episodes of joint swelling/redness, stiffness, and pain in my knees and hands, and sometimes my hips. The pain was so bad a couple months ago that I couldn’t walk without limping. It came on out of nowhere and disappeared out of nowhere. I’m not sure what’s going on. My ANA test was abnormal but that doesn’t always mean anything. The fatigue and brain fog is really hard. I can’t do the things I used to, like keep my house clean to my standards the way I used to, and it’s so frustrating. I want my life back but I don’t anticipate things ever being the same when they keep getting worse. My hands have been bothering me daily (joint pain in my fingers), that didn’t used to happen. Half the time when I try to do something that takes energy (like go to the store) I have to rest afterwards, it’s too much for me. I used to run and work out just fine, what is happening to me? Not gonna lie, I’m scared. I keep trying be calm and tell myself it’s okay and I’m gonna be fine, but deep down I’m not sure I believe it. I’m not the same person I used to be and I’m not the person I want to be. It really freaks me out.

The positive side of this is that I’ve been trying to be outside as much as possible in an effort to boost my mental and physical health. We’ve been to so many parks and trails and have plans to go to a local lake this weekend. Being in nature helps me a lot. I am also growing tomatoes, but they haven’t yielded fruit yet. I probably planted them too late, but I’m glad I still tried!

Earlier this year I sunk 200 hours into Disney Dream light Valley, and now I’ve been playing Powerwash Simulator for a bit in the evening a few times a week. Trying to spend less time in front of screens. Spent a bit too much cash on Legos, but that won’t change anytime soon. :)
I’m also undergoing a romance novel phase. Ah, Ruby Dixon, you’re a genius.

My youngest is starting kindergarten. I can’t believe it. My middle kid is going into 4th grade and she is almost as tall as me. She’s a very tall kid! My son is going into 6th grade, his last year as an elementary school student. He will be in middle school next year. I am in disbelief. How did all of this happen so fast? It feels weird to be in a part of my life where I don’t think about diapers and daycare. I do wish I could have one more child, but I am accepting that it’s likely not going to be in the cards for me, and I love the children that I have and three of them is definitely keeping me busy enough.

Bf and I have been together for three years now. He’s been staying here more and slowly integrating with me and the kids so he’ll be comfortable to move in together soon. I’m ready but he’s not. We do check-ins periodically, we both wanted to have the next one in August. I don’t like being away from him so hopefully sooner than later he’ll be ready. The other issue is that my cat tries to attack his dog when the dog is near my bedroom. :( We don’t know how to fix it. They’re fine when they’re both downstairs but the minute she goes near my bedroom, Chip loses his damn marbles. We’ve tried various things and just keep them separated now.

It’s exhausting having to figure out so many solutions to so many different problems all the time, in my personal and work life. I need more simplicity. I want to move to the middle of nowhere so badly. I know that probably wouldn’t solve anything, but I sure do fantasize about it a lot. I’m sick of living in a city.

I hate my job. I’m so tired of being so stressed out from all this pressure and awful management. I’m tired of playing manager when it’s not in my job description and I don’t get paid for it. I work a lot too, I don’t care about a career anymore. I’m so horribly burnt out. Clinical research is so stressful but I admit the money is good…
I actually got an offer for another one last month, but couldn’t take it because it didn’t pay enough. I’m still bitter about it and working through those feelings.
There’s a hiring freeze and massive layoffs in my field at the moment so it’s been difficult to get interviews when I used to get them easily.

I’ve started to ignore my phone and I don’t look it as much or post on social media very often anymore. I like this change, although I didn’t do it on purpose. I think feeling bombarded with notifications started getting to me.

Writing all of this out has made me realize just how damn overwhelmed I really am. Sometimes I sneak into my closet and shut the door and sit in the dark. No noise. No notifications. Just me breathing and existing.
Sometimes that’s all I can do.

Last updated July 26, 2023