Words of a TMI Nature in The Secret Writings of Eros: Book 4: New Beginnings?

Considering what this space is reserved for, if you are reading this and object to open discussions regarding sex, sexuality, orgasms, or other things of equally adult nature… then continued reading is entirely on YOU and you forfeit your right to complain!!

As those of you who know this space is connected to another “Diary” on this page… you may know exactly why I am writing here. But for those without such knowledge- an extremely brief recap:
I had an almost entirely sexless marriage. That ended in 2019/2020. Afterwards, I had a FWB polyamory situation and a Situationship. Neither of those lasted for any sufficient length. IN fact, the last time I’d had anything even remotely intimate was February 2021. Until this weekend, that is. After dating a spectacular person for the last month, Saturday, July 22nd… we had sex. Here is the ultimate issue, however.........

In my almost forty years of existence… I have had sexual contact of any variety with approximately 6 women. OF THOSE SIX WOMEN only two have successfully “finished the job”. And this is an area of embarrassment and confusion for me.

The excessively abusive woman who was extraordinarily sexual? Thank CHRIST she never made me cum as who knows what that psycho would have done!!
The woman after her? Who once said I was genetically inferior and should not procreate? She is the only woman to have EVER made me orgasm via blowjob.
The woman after her? Was my mostly asexual wife. MOST of our sexual history was sans condom but all the same… 15 years together and I dare say we likely had sex a grand total of AT MOST (being very generous) 20 times. Though, I will admit, I did orgasm with my wife.
After her? Victoria. Who… strangely NOT ANYMORE but AT THE TIME I considered downright Porn Ready. In fact, we tried to get an OF page for her but she chickened out. She was exceptionally attractive with a sexual appetite perfect for Porn and a Kink Proclivity that made her exceptionally attractive. We had sex in various ways but… no orgasm.
Then… Essen. Perhaps the perfect mix of Martha and Victoria. A woman with whom I was absolutely smitten… whose beauty was unparalleled… whose Kink Interest was legendary… ultimately, but for the trauma and polyamory, was THE perfect woman for me. AND yet? One more experience where I was able to bring her to orgasm after orgasm but… none for me.
Now, I just had sex for the first time in over two years with my girlfriend. And… similar story. She was able to cum again and again and again; but… none for me.

Obviously this suggests many possibilities to me. Not least of which is the concept that after such an extended time of celibacy (both since last time and in general considering an almost entirely sexless marriage) the body is… shall we say… reluctant to avail itself the pleasure?

But the mind seeks to quantify the specifics. What did Aoife and Martha have that none of the others have had?
It isn’t how “sexually attracted” I was. That gets thrown out immediately based on Victoria and Essen.
It isn’t how “in love” I was. That gets thrown out passionately based on Essen.
So… I have to investigate.

Aoife got me to cum via blowjob and no one else ever has.
Martha got me to cum via sex and no one else ever has.

Aoife was a tall, leggy, thin Irish beauty.
Martha was a short, stout German wife.

Victoria and Essen were.... incredibly sexually attractive women that didn’t want a commitment from me.

So, I start to think.... maybe it is condom use? Hermia and I used a condom; Essen and I used a condom; Victoria and I used a condom.... but Aoife and Martha… that isn’t so. BUT as much as I think “Maybe condom is the thing”.... I didn’t use a condom during oral with Aoife.. or Victoria… or Essen. Now, YES… every encounter with Aoife was prior to medication.... but my most recent experience with Hermia forces me to question whether the medicine actually is a factor or not! If “oral without condom” means… condom isn’t the issue.... then I’m not sure what could be!

I loved Aoife. I was open about that. But she rejected the emotional content.
I loved Martha. I was open about that. She returned the sentiment until about 4 or 6 years into the marriage.
I did not love Victoria. That was pretty clear. She go a lot of orgasms, I got none.
I did love Essen. She did not love me. That was pretty clear. She go a lot of orgasms, I got none.
So now there’s Hermia. We haven’t had an “I love you”.... my feelings for Hermia are not what they were for Martha or Essen.... but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her in some way.... and in our first attempt… She go a lot of orgasms, I got none.

So, I’m left wondering.... is this one of those times where I need a profound, deep emotional connection and commitment that just hasn’t been forged in order to orgasm..... or is it something else? And either way..... is this something that I can tackle? Or am I essentially bound to “accepting emotional love/support… and just making due with a life sans orgasms?”