These tears in 2023

I spent most of today crying. I couldn’t settle and accomplish anything really. I just cried.

I guess today showed me that perhaps some days are easier than others, and today was a very difficult one.

I smelled your cologne today. Intentionally. From the bottle. You flooded my memories with the smell.

Burying my face in your chest for cuddles. The way your stubble scratched my cheek. The way your lips tasted like coffee. The way your arms wrapped so tightly around me.

Someday I’ll wear your cologne again. I did for the first few days, so I could sleep with your scent. But then it got too hard. Maybe thats why today was so hard. Because I cradled your bottle of cologne in my hands.

I ran my fingers over the beard kit I got you for Christmas, set up on the bureau in our room. Gracie used to lick the beard balm and oil off your face every time you used it, but it made your skin and scruff so soft.

Every now and then I open the drawers on your side and make sure your socks and shirts are all folded neatly. They always are. Never disturbed.

I’ve migrated to your side of the bed to sleep. I’m not sure when or how, I go to sleep on my side cuddling your pillow, but I wake up on your side. I wish I would dream of you. I wish you would come to me.

This widow group I’m in on FB, so many widows post about their spouse coming to them and speaking to them from wherever they are. Or feeling their weight in bed, their arms wrapping around. But not me. Not yet, maybe? Maybe we’re both still figuring things out on our sides now?

It’s so hard to be separated like this. Forever. What if you never come back? Even in a dream, what if I never see you again? I just need more time. I just need you.