Monday. in Since OD is shutting down....

I called that other after school program this morning because the one she’s in ends next Friday and was told they are full and aren’t even accepting applications. We will have a month to figure out how to keep busy. Her big sister comes back on the 20th and her Dad’s girlfriend plans to take her at the start of next month for like 3-4 days and other than that there’s no real plans. I’m definitely starting to feel the anxiety because it’s not easy keeping a 6 year old entertained every single minute of the day and it’s really getting hot so I don’t really want to be outside all the time. \

I called my Mom and she didn’t really seem to care. They are probably waiting for their big payday from his settlement so they’ll have money to waste for a couple of weeks and then go back to being broke again. They won’t think to get oil changes, fill gas tanks, stock their deep freeze, or pay up some bills. Just be wasteful and then they say, “I don’t know what we’re going to do” but they’ll sit around and do nothing. I’m pretty sure he was to go back to work 3 days ago but I highly doubt that happened.

Currently sitting here waiting for a text from the girlfriend stating he’s working on getting his license to start his job but I’m sure he’ll waste the day away sleeping or something and fuck everything up. I know that she’s already sick of him living off her so I have no doubt that she’s chomping at the bit as well. I just don’t know why this wasn’t a thing 10 days ago when he first learned that he’s going to have to get his license. Probably because he’s hoping it’ll just be forgotten and we all just not worry about him getting a fucking job. I’d really like to see a payment again soon but not getting my hopes up like always.

I have no doubt that he’s going to fuck this up and she’ll be bringing him back. She’s said enough to me that she ain’t about to just roll over and accept him not working. I talked to her Saturday on the phone where she was telling me how she was asking if he wanted to pack his shit and be brought back then so he knows his time there is probably coming to an end. Nobody wants to take care of a 39 year old man. She told me that she has the money to catch up his CS and it’s like no. That would just be the ultimate ass wiping move and all that would happen is buy him more time for it build up back up and give him less incentive to get a fucking job. I think it’s cool that she’s kind hearted enough to think about it but I won’t allow it. This is HIS MESS and his alone.

This guy has found enough free rides and people to enable him and how he’s found someone with money. It’s downright disgusting. I just hope that he’s going to just get a job, show he’s somewhat responsible and shut all of us up. He won’t though because he’s lazy and selfish. I think it’s crazy that things don’t bother him like they should. She bought my daughter birthday stuff and wouldn’t that bother you as a man?! Like every time she’s paying for his cigarettes and when they go out to dinner? I mean, good Lord become a man bro!

My brother brought up the CS amount earlier and I told him he better not say anything to his parents. It’s none of their fucking business. We don’t get to know about their shit and they don’t need to know about mine. I doubt I’ll ever even see the amount he’s supposed to pay anyways. I guess he has an interview Thursday which is funny that it’s arranged the day after she’s wanting to bring him back. I really don’t see him getting a job no matter what. He’s been down there mooching for 2 months already and that’s just too long.

He seems to think that he’s just not going to make it. Well, had he been a man for the past 7 years he would be in a much better situation. I completely understand that rent and utilities are expensive as shit but he has 1 bill which is CS so I’m sure he’ll be able to pay that and still get his girlfriend to take care of him until she gets fed up so he’ll be able to save money. I just don’t like how it’s put to me where it’s basically okay for him to just live off people and be jobless. He’s going to have to learn how to be a grown up at some point in his life and start adulting.

My brother’s girlfriend told me the other night that all of this is probably really scary for him. Well it wouldn’t be had he been a man from the start and actually tried to change for the sake of his daughter. Even if he wasn’t there physically, he could have been making regular CS payments and not sticking me with everything! It’s like there’s always someone trying to be really sensitive to him when he’s done all of this to himself.

I just watched an incredible TIk Tok about parenting by yourself and how depleted you are at the end of the day because you spent so much of your time taking care of your offspring and you need time to decompress. There’s no amount of CS that is going to give you that time back. Yeah, I appreciate that he’s taken her some now in the past 2 months but there’s nothing saying it’s going to continue and I admit, I need time for me. I spent all last Summer taking care of my child and I seriously thought I was going to lose my fucking. I love my child but being with her 24/7 felt inhumane. It’s not healthy to have your emotions running on high all day long and how drained you are by the time you finally get to lay down at night.

Again, I want to reiterate that I love my child more than anything. That little human is the reason I breathe and the reason I do care about my life and why I remember to be kind. I think she’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me and the best gift I was ever given. But I need time for me as well. I definitely appreciate the breaks I’ve gotten recently with her going to spend time with her Dad but I didn’t exactly enjoy it because I don’t know what to do with myself not having my daughter. I don’t have any friends because I haven’t had the chance for a social life all these years, I spent too much time alone in my head, and I couldn’t sleep because she wasn’t here.

Now after next Friday, I’m not entirely sure how we are going to keep busy. We’ll do what we can and school starts at the end of next month so I know it’ll go by quick. I’m just glad it’s only a month instead of the whole Summer like last year. We got some stuff to do and I know she’s gonna go with her Dad at least once so it’ll be alright.

Too bad I can’t even ask my Mom to come over and hang out. I remember trying that after she went home almost 2 years go where she always had some excuse and then would turn around and say that I only talk to her when I need a sitter. I don’t like being gaslit into someone trying to say that I was ‘using’ them when they got paid for watching my kid and I know damn well I made efforts for her to come over, have a meal and watch a movie. It’s not my problem he convinced her I was trying to use her simply because he can’t stand her out of his sight so he had to fuck everything up for me and my child.