Things are hopeful. in Since OD is shutting down....

We just kinda hung out after having breakfast at McDonald’s where my daughter told me she had stayed with her Dad while his girlfriend ran to the store and got her birthday stuff. It hit me right in the feels and made me realize just how much effort she has been making in all of this so I decided to text to apologize for how I behaved.

Well she told me that she was out of town because her daughter had to have emergency surgery and left him at home with a lot of thinking to do because she’s looking to bring him back on Wednesday. I guess he’s to call tomorrow and see if he can get a letter from the new employer stating that he was hired but needs a letter for CS so they can release the paperwork for him to get his DL. If he were to quit then his license will be gone. So there’s still hope for him to get a job and be paying.

This woman has money because she told me that she has the ability to pay up his CS but she’s not going to. That’s not her job, it’s his. I just hope that he does right be everyone and starts working to show he’s responsible and to shut us all up. I would just like to see CS consistently and not have to be pissed off and stressed out anymore. I’m relieved to know that they are aware of the new amount and it’s not an issue. She told him to pay it and even pay more so I’m glad that she’s making him understand that she’s not going to sit back and make him feel that it’s okay to be a deadbeat, he’s had enough people do that for him.

I call my Mom a few minutes ago where I’m on speakerphone of course and tell her all this where he has to be listening and then she has to hang up because it’s time to take her medication. It’s like we’ve been on the phone for 12 minutes and that’s just entirely too long so it’s time to get off now. Again, I would go bat shit crazy putting up with someone controlling my entire existence. But whatever you allow is what will continue. I am just really irritated that he has to know all of my business in order for me to have any type of conversation with her. It’s pretty fucking obnoxious.

Having to deal with someone like this is exhausting. But I keep in mind that I could scream and bitch all I want but it’s not going to change. There’s just too much I have to keep putting up with. I just hope my Dad feels awesome about himself and the wedge he’s created for not only me and my older brother but for our children as well. I’d like to go out there today and get my daughter’s tv but I need to wait until tomorrow so she’s at her program because I don’t want her around him. I’m just so tired of having to worry about him and aware of everything because the guy just won’t go away. I also doubt that he worked a couple of days ago. I’m sure he’s waiting on his settlement money so they can have their big payday, blow all of it and then go back to their, “I don’t know what we’re gonna do” and nobody does anything about getting a job like they’ve always done.

I feel really tired today. I was up way too fucking late. I’ve decided I’m going to take a break from the Topamax because it might be adding to me being tired all the time. I don’t know if it’s helping with my blood sugars or not but I’m going to stop taking it for a few days and see if I don’t feel quite as tired. I need to put laundry in and clean up some but I just can’t get myself motivated to do it. My daughter is bugging to hit the park but I’m just not up for it and it’s hot as shit.

Sometimes I just get so angry being alone in my head. It’s hard not having much of a support system. Even my best friend isn’t as ‘there’ for me as she once was because she’s gotten divorced and is dating. Things are more positive for her and even for me. I struggle to let go of the negative because that’s all I had for so long. I want to focus more on the positive and even trying to create a social life. It’s just crazy that I’m pushing 40 and don’t really have anyone to hang out with. I’m grateful that we have my brother and his family but I get annoyed with them because even last night my niece had her cousin spend the night and was tired. My brother was sick of hearing about my kids Dad but I said at least it’s positive stuff now.

I am definitely glad that we seem to be on the right track to a better place now. I honestly never thought we were going to get there. I’m still worried that it could fall off at any time. I just have to pray that he’s able to get his license and start working because if not, he’s going to be coming back and then we’re going to be right back where we were and there’s not even a chance for it to get better. I just hope he plans to make the right choice not only for himself, but for his child as well. This shit doesn’t just affect him!

So tomorrow I have to try and get ahold of that other Summer program. I’m a bit concerned but I can’t do anything about it right now so let’s hope it won’t be an issue.

The house is clean and the wash is now in the dryer. Everything is soaking wet so I’m going to spend a pretty penny to get it all dry. I hung the towels outside to dry. I would have hung everything out but there just isn’t enough room. I really hate doing laundry because it’s such a chore because the machines don’t work like they should. I’m going to make fajitas for dinner and then get my daughter a bath. Then tomorrow I’ll spend another day sitting here by myself stewing in my own thoughts. I’m going to start looking for a job, provided I can get her into that other program.

The girlfriend asked yesterday if she can still have her at the start of next month even if she brings him back. I am definitely appreciative of that. I want everyone to be involved with my daughter if they want to be. I just hope that things work out like they should and he just becomes the Dad he should’ve been all along. I hope he realizes how much he’s missed and how hard it is to catch up.

I told her yesterday that I hope he enjoys his time with her but that it’s also eye opening. She told me she makes sure he gets his ass up in the morning and gets her cereal and if she’s thirsty he gets her something to drink. She said she gets tired of watching him on his phone and they went out to dinner the other night and left their phones in the car but went to a sports bar where he basically ignored her anyways. Then she asked him to mow the yard where he didn’t because he was up all night playing a video game with his brother but then sent a picture last night of him mowing. It’s like well yeah because he’s going to do the bare minimum to keep you engaged.

Narcs like to do what’s asked of them once you’re fed up. You can ask a thousand times but will only do it once they know you are about done. He knows that she’s looking to pack him up and dump him off so he’s doing what he can to avoid that. It’s like the last night my daughter was there and she was saying how he was ignoring her playing on his phone, everyone was noticing and then like an hour later she said how he was interacting with her and blah blah blah…well yeah because he knows it’s going to get him where he wants to be with people.

One of the things my brother and I were talking about last night was when they dumped her off and he took a long time saying goodbye to her. I should’ve really just took my daughter to the back yard. I understand he wants to put on a show for her but he’s doing it at my daughter’s emotional expense, not caring that it’s really hard on her. Just give her a quick kiss and hug and be on your way! There’s no need to stretch it out. Think about how hard this is for her that you weren’t around up until 2 months ago, take her for a few days and then stretch out the goodbye! Don’t make it harder on her than it has to be.

My brother told me last night that he had messaged once he left asking if she was okay and I know he did that hoping to hear that she was upset to feed his ego. She got over it super quick but why would you want to know your child is sad that you left her?! That is just really fucking sick dude! I kinda want to send a text before the next drop off addressing this but that would be giving him attention so I’ll probably just let him say his goodbye and then tell her to go play. I’m not going to let him drag it out again. I understand that he wants to put on a show and look like he’s this great Dad but I just can’t allow it because my daughter had tears and as a Mom, that’s hard to watch. If he would’ve just made it a swift goodbye she would’ve been just fine.