Choose Life in My New Life

Today I woke up differently. I decided to “do the normal thing” and watch mindless, spirit crushing game-shows, or today’s version: youtube shorts compiled like Tick-Tock. It was rewarding at first. I laughed, I felt emotional, I felt…I felt sad, I felt shocked, I felt inspired, I felt like life was passing me by and I thought “where is this all happening and why am I not there? Why am I not a part of things going on?” I felt old, and I felt in the prime of my life. I felt like I needed those friends. I wished I played guitar and I wished I played piano. And that was when I turned it off. I turned it off because I do play guitar. And I do play piano. And I am living and I have Biology homework due. It’s sensory overload.

Sometimes, I viddy that world I left. Vicarious. It has some perks because there are so many of us. I say “us,” because now that I am an adult I have to live amongst the post-modern lifestyles of tick-tock, streaming services and one must get along but two roads diverged in the woods and I took the road less travelled by. I went Jack London’s way building fires in the woods. I took that one little trail you see at thee slopes where some snowboarder left the main hill to hit the ramp off in the woods. Actually, an Ecology teacher, snowboard instructor Pal of mine we hiked up the steepest slope of our modest slopes, grasping the snow with our snowboards like walking sticks and upon arriving on top we took our coats off sweaty and wet and sliced down the mountain letting the refreshing wind cool us as cascaded down back to the lodge.

Watching those videos made me feel alone and without friends. And like I wasn’t a part of anything. And I had to do some self-therapy and guided meditation for a few moments. One of my best friends from college has moved back close to home. He spent years in Toronto, and we can finally hangout and have fun again. Another good friend from college called me a few days ago to catch up on his life and thank me for the card I sent him. I walk a few blocks down the street and the door is always open to have a seat and talk with my older friend around town and learn about his new projects. One of my mates is having a baby soon and really going through it right now. We’ve tapered off for now but it generally works as a tag-team and I’ll reunite with another old pal. I could walk around my old college and wave to my ole professors and most would remember me. Our waterfalls, hikes, and the Cahaba river still run and only await some extra time to revisit. But, while I was watching those videos my actual life was psychologically gone and all the great times we’ve had were wiped from my memory. It stressed me out a bit. It’s almost like Logan’s Run when all those in the Dome go to “Renew” and recycle. I’m even making more friends. It never ends. I had taken a break from serving at the Hibachi grill for more focus at the Psych Ward I work at and my college class. When I came back to serve my Japanese boss was so delighted to have me back. She says she has no one to talk to when I’m not there. She read a lot in her youth, is almost trilingual and keeps up with the news like I do almost like a detective and we talk and talk and talk about anything and everything from linguistics, philosophy, biology and current affairs. My favourite patient misses me when I’m off or not working on my usual ward. He literally makes me laugh really hard with his wit. Like wittier than the actual workers. My biology teacher and I are working really well together so I am considering making a switch to major in Biology (and maybe finish my English degree.) I am joining a tennis club soon and hope to compete. I am a part of so much but for those minutes watching the videos I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I felt longing and felt desire. It’s best to mindlessly veg out on youtube in doses and don’t forget that your life is always happening. Don’t check out of it. James Joyce noted that we are all still the ancient Greeks and our great battles take place in the modern world in shopping centers, restaurants and other stages of the postmodern world. It’s just now some folks choose not to recognize it believing that all the ancient, glorious battles are gone. My favourite patient always refused to have his weight taken and I asked why? It would look good to the psychiatrist if you were compliant. He said the staff didn’t like him but I have been working with him and we have our time at night while I study in the Nurse’s station. I find him likeable, funny, and intelligent. And his company is nice while I study. And he finally allowed us to take his weight after maybe years of refusing. An Ancient, glorious victory won and most wouldn’t even give it a second viddy. Tick-Tock is Ticking after all.

Choose Life.

Last updated July 09, 2023