Sinking Feeling in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

Like the elevator floor fell out from under me. That’s how it felt when I heard the drugs for my treatment are due to be available to doctors this coming week. It was more than an unexpected moment of internal terror, frozen, unable to think. This isn’t news, to the contrary in my heart I’ve impatiently awaited the call. Still, one can’t imagine a moment until they are in it.

It won’t be until December before treatment begins. Silly me is trying to schedule my second (or one-hundred) gift of life from God around Christmas and Ryan’s birthday, humanly bargaining with reality, frequently making a mess of it. My goal now, to keep focused on making that first treatment opportunity my reality.

Grace. I’ve never understood it better than I do at this moment. I’m so grateful and even though I know God will walk through this before I ever get to it, I am at this moment in time sitting with knots in my stomach, afraid, and feeling blessed all at once.