I will always worry. in After OD

Being the mom of a young adult has proved harder for me than any other stage of my daughter’s life. She is a month shy of 19, and legally an adult. When I was her age I was pregnant with her and about to be married. I think back and wonder if I was really as mature for my age as I thought, or if I was just stubborn and strong willed like she is.

I’m so very proud of her and what she has accomplished thus far. She just finished her first year of college and managed to have it completely paid for with scholarships and grants. She has worked regularly for the past two years, pays for her phone, car payment & insurance, and never asks us for a dime. She’s done great.

However, I’m a mom, and I’m worried. She’s been taking a summer class because it’s a pre requisite that she couldn’t fit in any other time. She’s failing and refuses a tutor. She’s not dedicating the time to it like she should be because her priorities are skewed. She is spending all her free time with a guy she met on tinder. He is 24, and as much as I’d like to say that’s too big of an age gap, it’d be pretty fucking hypocritical considering her dad was 25 and I was 18 when we got together.

He seems like an incredibly nice guy, very respectful towards us, treats her like a princess, has a good job, car, and decent place to live. But they refuse to label whatever is going on between them. We’ve been told a million times by her that he isn’t her boyfriend. They’re “just friends” but the way they interact with one another, the stuffed animals he won her at the carnival, and that sucker bite she came home with on her neck a few weeks ago tells me otherwise. Honestly, I’d be thrilled for her to end up with him, but the hesitation for any commitment from either of them screams RED FLAG to me.

She initially loved her job, but as time went on and the more she dedicated herself to it, the more they took advantage of her work ethic, until it became clear to her that they put all the work on her knowing she’d do it and do it well unlike her coworkers. She procrastinated in finding a new one, and we encouraged her to find something that paid more. She only makes a little over $12 an hour where she is now, and once upon a time that was great, but these days more can be had. She interviewed and accepted a new position this afternoon where she will be hostessing. It pays $5 an hour and 3% of the server’s tips. I don’t think it’s going to equate what she makes now and I want to tell her this is probably a bad move. I can’t though, because it will just lead to an argument. She is so smart, and yet the common sense is not always there.

It has been beyond difficult to make this transition of parenting her into adulthood. How do you just let your kid be independent the moment they turn 18? I often wish she had gone away to college instead of going to the University in our city and living at home. It would have forced me to let go and allowed her to feel more free.

I’m just worried about her making bad choices or decisions that will be detrimental to her future and the goals she set for herself. Failing this class will likely cause her to lose her scholarships. She has already lost her grants due to changes in our finances. She says she will just take loans but I have done everything to try and get her to understand that she wants to avoid that for as long as possible, if not completely because it will affect her quality of living when she finishes school. She just doesn’t get it.

I worry that this “not boyfriend” is either going to break her heart, or she will do what I did and have a baby before age 20. I don’t regret it, and never have because being a mom was the one and only thing I knew I wanted for sure. I didn’t have a clear idea of what I wanted to do in life, other than that. At 38 I still don’t! But she wants to be a teacher. That’s been the plan for a few years now.
I know I have to let go. It’s her life, she has to make the choices and live with the consequences whether they are good or bad. I just feel lost as to how involved I’m supposed to be. What’s my role now?

Last updated July 07, 2023