Relentless in 2023

You’ve been gone 94 days and the pain is just as sharp as it was on day 1.

They say grief can last like this for years.

I can believe that. When you love someone as much and for as long as I have loved you .. I can imagine the grief never ending.

Listless. Thats how I feel. Empty and just .. nothingness.

Like how I would feel when I would have an anxiety attack and take one of my -calm down crazy meds- and then feel like a zombie for 12 hours … like that except … I haven’t taken anything.

Haven’t done laundry in a week?

Don’t care.

Haven’t showered in 4 days?

Don’t care.

Ordered take-out pizza for dinner last night when you don’t even have the money to pay the power bill?

Don’t care.

The apartment is spotless. I refreshed and trimmed all my indoor plants yesterday, and repotted several of them.

Reorganized and cleaned the kitchen, dining room, and living room. Vacuumed and shampooed the carpets.

I can take care of everything and everyone else … but I don’t give two fucks about myself. I’ve lost so much weight that our ring is falling off when I sleep so I have to take it off before bed so I don’t lose it … and I’m kinda mad about it.

My Nanna used to have these things that looked like wee tiny plastic coils that you could slip on the ring band if it was too big and it would snug it up against your finger without needing to resize the ring. So. I gotta find some of those.

YouTube has taught me how to crochet. I can only imagine what you would have to say about that, hahaha. But I needed something to do in the evenings to replace the time I used to spend stitching while you played 2K or we watched a movie.

Now it’s just me, yarn, and a crochet hook, - which is 10,000× easier on my hands & eyes than my cross-stitching was.

I started rewatching Criminal Minds which I haven’t seen in years. You were always so good at picking out movies for us - usually movies I would have never chosen to watch on my own that turned out to be absolutely freaking EPIC. The Hateful 8 and Fury are now two of my all time favorite movies ever.

I wasn’t so bad though - I introduced you to the Kinsgmen movies and you were obsessed once you realized they were hilarious. Hah. Good times.

I’m not sure I’ve watched a movie since you died. Nobody wants to watch movies alone.

So, I crochet and watch Criminal Minds. Idk what I’m crocheting, just rows and rows and mindless endless rows .. I think it’ll be a couch-throw. Then I’m gonna do each of the kids a blanket as my (virtually nonexistent) yarn budget allows.

A friend of mine from my childhood (we share the same birthday, but she’s 2 years younger than me) unexpectedly sent me an etransfer yesterday with “crochet supplies” in the message, bless her. So I bought 15 skeins of this chunky purpley-blue yarn and … yeah.

I feel like I’m rambling.

God I miss talking to you. I miss hearing about your workday when you came home, and what kind of nonsense your Dad had gone on and on about that day. I miss nagging you about remembering to take your water bottle because fuck it’s hotter and more humid than the devil’s taint this summer.

I miss sliding my hand up your shirt to curl my fingers through your chest hair while I snuggled into your shoulder and we fell asleep.

I miss laughing with you. I miss your arms around me. I miss the smell of your shampoo when you’d come out of the shower. I even miss rinsing your beard trimmings out of the bathroom sink.

I miss making your coffee in the morning. I miss doing your laundry and always pulling day-before socks out of the sheets every morning when I’d make the bed.

I miss - truck rides, babes?

I miss - cuddles, babes?

I miss - cheeks, babes!!

I miss you, Babes. I miss you so much.