Sunday morning. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got cereal for my daughter and bacon for my niece. I had eggs and sausage. It’s already massively hot. I need to do laundry and make sure my kid has clean clothes for tomorrow. I need to get her bag packed so I’ll start working on that later. I want to have plenty of time for her today because she’s going to be gone probably until her birthday. My anxiety is starting to set in. I don’t trust her Dad and I probably never will. I’m glad that I do have some trust in his girlfriend though, that is the only reason I even allow this.

I’m pissed at just how much he’s made me not trust him. I wish he wouldn’t have been so mean because that’s what has affected things so much. I’ve given him a million chances and I really shouldn’t allow any more but I do because my daughter wants to be with him. This is just an awful situation but I hope with time that it does get better. This time they’ll only be an hour away and I know she’ll have fun just like the last time. It would be nice if he made better efforts to check in with her because she really misses him once they drop her off. There’s just so many things that I wish he would understand but he’s never been a Dad!

They plan to make a payment tomorrow before they pick her up, I just wonder what the amount is going to be. I know they are going to spend money because of her birthday so I wonder how much that is going to affect things. I’ve managed to afford my bills, her expenses and paying for her birthday every fucking year so he needs to consider that as well. I’d be happy if it was just as much as he gave me the other day, if not more. I’m just so tired of how we don’t ever talk about the shit he’s done but he’s always been great at pointing out what he feels I’ve done wrong in all of this.

I’m hoping my parents are planning to give me some money tomorrow and I should get money from another source in the next couple of days along with CS. My bank account is running on empty. I’m really concerned at how I’m going to be once I do land a job because I haven’t worked a real job in so long so I worry about my social anxiety. I just hope that I’ll be okay because I am so lonely that it shouldn’t be too difficult. Sitting around by myself so much really gets to me. I’m alone a lot and it’s just not healthy. My thoughts are enough to drive me absolutely out of my fucking mind.

I need to shower and I’m ready to get a load of laundry put in. I want to start working on getting her bag packed and make sure I don’t forget anything. I slept like shit worrying about a cat being outside. I really need to start working on finding another one a home because she is just the sweetest thing and my cat is mean to her.

There was a Tik Tok the other day about how much harder it is to be a Mom when you don’t have one to help with guidance and support. That really rings true for me. I think it would be a lot easier for me if my Mom was emotionally available but she isn’t. I remember just the other day telling her that I wish I had a village and her saying, “I know” and it’s like gee thanks! I think she would be there a lot more but we know who’s standing in the way of that. He was telling me the other day that he just didn’t know what he would do without my Mom and it’s like well I’m glad she’s there for YOU! I guess neither my brother or myself need my Mom or ever have right?!

I remember when she had left him and that was the only time my Dad reached out to me or my brother and I knew once she went home he’d go right back into pretending like we didn’t exist and that’s exactly what he did. It’s like his mission to make sure that no one else matters except himself. He truly lives a really pathetic life and it’s sad that he just wants my Mom all to himself and no one else is of any importance. I’m angry that I’ve spent much of my life to figure everything out for myself because my Mom isn’t supposed to care about anyone but him. I hope he’s truly pleased how he’s created such a wedge.

He had come over one day when she was gone and I told him, you don’t like me and you don’t like my brother and that’s what’s helped keep her away and he just stood there like he had no idea what I was talking about. He’s always acted like that when confronted which is even more maddening. He knows exactly what I’m talking about. It’s like when they hide food when I bring it and if I were to say something, they act completely dumbfounded. There’s just no point in saying something because they make you look and feel crazy.

It’s frustrating dealing with people that don’t see anything wrong with their actions whatsoever. They never have and never will. I also don’t understand how you can ‘borrow’ money from everyone around you, never make any attempt to pay it back and then get angry when they don’t want to keep enabling you. He’s managed to borrow probably in excess of 50K or more from his own Mother and never paid her back as well. She’s now in a nursing home and makes zero effort to even call her ever so often. I know he’ll be sobbing like a baby once she passes away though but as of now, she’s of no use because she has nothing to offer so he doesn’t care to have any contact.

I’m kinda ready for my niece to go home because I want to get my kid a bath and have her lay down and decompress for a while. I also would like to drink my iced coffee in peace. They’ll be coming for her in the afternoon tomorrow and I want to start working on getting her bag packed and I want to make sure nothing gets forgotten. I’m very glad that he’s found a supportive partner that wants him to be a Dad and see his child. I do hope that things stay positive for my daughter’s sake and we can start to make sense of this situation. As much as I know he’s never going to be a Dad, I do want him to as least be something in her life.