Saturday 2. in Since OD is shutting down....

Okay so I took the kids to the park. We were only there about 40 minutes. It was about 90 and the kids weren’t feeling it. My niece wanted the same shoes my kid has so we went to the store. BD messaged to ask if my kid was home and I took my sweet ass time to respond. Mainly because we were at the store and I was hot and uncomfortable. Once we got to the car, I responded at let him know that all communication needs to go through his girlfriend. She messaged and asked if I knew about next week with her program. I asked if he was planning to make a payment and she said he was doing it right now actually. Well that was 40 fucking minutes ago and nothing is showing on the website yet.

But yeah, my parents are probably just going to stow away and go MIA once they get that settlement money. I remember about 10 years ago when they borrowed a bunch of money and told me that I’d get at least some of it back once they got their taxes and then I never saw a dime and didn’t hear from them for several months. I wonder just how many times they’ve gotten chunks of money and we never even knew about it. Honestly, it’s a running joke. I don’t know how you could do this to your own children and feel good about yourself. I feel sorry for the people out there that have parents just like mine.

When I was at my brother’s house last night, his girlfriend was talking about how I used to be the angry one about all this and now we’ve switched sides and I said it’s because I’ve put up with BD’s crap for so long about CS that I’ve become desensitized that I’m just so used to it. I don’t give much of an emotional response simply because I feel that’s what people want and because I just don’t have it in me anymore. I also am just so used to feeling like I’ve been used that what’s another situation where I’ve been ripped off?

I’ve known more pain in my life than happiness or love that I just don’t have much of me to spread around at this point. I understand why people just become quiet and don’t show much emotion. I’m getting there. I used to be really reactive and extremely emotional and now I don’t react much at all. I definitely look at things with more logic than emotion than I used to. I don’t incorporate emotion into anything anymore. I’ve learned my lesson in that.

My parents are very ruthless people that truly don’t care about anything but themselves. My Mom has tried to care about us but he’s made it to where she’s not ALLOWED to care about nothing but him. He proved that when my little brother was in jail and they put him with my Mom’s friend because it was easier to find somewhere for him to go instead of him! My little brother has no life skills whatsoever and he’s to blame for it.

There’s so much wrong with my parents that I ain’t even gonna get started on it but the root of the problem is my Dad. My brother likes to say how he’s probably got 10 years left and I like to say yeah, we got 10 more years of putting up with him!

My daughter’s birthday is in about 5 days. I’ve tried to include them not once, but twice in her birthdays and it’s been a fucking disaster every time. It always starts with how we always have to go to their house. I have to pay for everything just so he get to run everything. I remember the first time where we get there and he puts the food away and I could tell if I would have said anything he would have gone absolutely ape shit. I remember saying I only had so much time to get her fed before she got upset where my little brother was like, “I ain’t gonna listen to it” and it’s like okay well I brought food so could we cook and eat it” but then that would have started a fight so it’s like yeah I know they are just waiting for us to leave so I wish I would have just said something about go ahead and enjoy my daughter’s birthday dinner and rolled out but I didn’t.

We’ve also had to wait HOURS to even put the candle on her cake, sing her Happy Birthday and actually eat the damn cake and ice cream. I’m just not putting up with this shit ever again. I am her Mother, I get to pay for all this shit out of MY pocket and it’s absolute bullshit that if I want to include others in her special day then I have to put up with someone dictating when we get to eat the food I fucking pay for! How in the absolute fuck does that work!? I am just not ever dealing with this shit ever again. The problem is they have just grown so accustomed to my Mom allowing their behavior that they expect everyone to do the exact same thing!!

I still think it’s crazy how you bring food to their house where they fucking HIDE it waiting for you to LEAVE so they can eat it! They sit there and listen to all of my Mom’s phone calls and know damn well you are bringing it so that you are planning to eat with them and yet wait for you to leave so they can enjoy it! I would NEVER even think to pull something like this on people! The way they just milk off people and how much they’ve even done it to my daughter and she’s a small child should be sinful when she’s 5! They truly don’t care who they use and how they come off to anyone!!!

They way they are just so moochy and aggressive about it really makes me mad. I think it’s one think to be a mooch but to be so mean about it is really obnoxious. Just that overblown sense of entitlement is downright infuriating. I just like it better that we don’t plan to get together for birthday’s or holidays and haven’t in many years. Neither my Dad or little brother now how to treat anyone with respect and you have to constantly be aware of their behavior. Either my Dad gets weird or starts screaming about something or my little brother will flip out if we are there for too long so that’s why I don’t like going there.

Anyways so it sounds like they will make a payment directly to CS on Monday and I’d prefer that because then nothing can be said that it’s not being recorded. I just wish I would have said that it was ‘preferred’ but whatever. I just can’t accept it because they’ll close my case but I ain’t about to tell them that. I just want to go about everything the right way for so many different reasons.

I took the kids to another park and got them a treat at the gas station. They are busy playing and then I’m going to have them put on a movie. I’m getting tired and ready to head off to bed. I’m glad my daughter has her cousin to play with. Tomorrow is our last day together until she leaves for a few days again. I’m glad she goes for a few days but I really miss her while she’s away.

Once he gets that letter, I worry about the aftermath. He may not care at all. She said he wasn’t upset about the last one though so I’m hoping it goes that way again. I’ve been working on my defense though. The amount has doubled which could come as a painful blow. It’s definitely not to punish him or make his life harder, it’s just that with him not paying for the last 2 years and with him going long periods of time not paying I’ve had a lot of financial issues. There’s also no telling if he’ll pay it anyways. I’m definitely feeling a lot of anxiety on how this is going to affect visitation and how the girlfriend could end up being towards me as well.

I keep in mind he doesn’t have other kids or living expenses. He will still have a good chunk of money every month and will have to learn how to budget just like everyone else. This is either going to make him a man or just more of a deadbeat. He has to know that with him never being there physically and being so behind, something like this was bound to happen. I just don’t think he ever knew I had the power to increase it. I think he probably the letter the other day and realized it was about CS, didn’t bother to actually read it and just tossed it. Well, that was his bad. If she says anything about how I could have at least reminded him, I will straight up say that it’s not my job to remind a grown man of his responsibilities.

But I am definitely glad I kept it really light and positive earlier. I didn’t say anything I wanted to say. This has for sure been a test of self discipline and keeping my temper in check. There’s big part of me that wishes I would’ve left the amount where it was because I worry what is going to happen once they know it’s gone up. By double. I just hope it’s taken well. Both of them have to understand where I’m coming from in this. If he would’ve just paid it all along, it would have been a lot different. The ref was going to put him at minimum wage and when she was talking about it, I knew I had to speak up because I have sat and watched him work under the table more than enough all these years and that’s not fair.

I’ve taken on all this stress by myself since being pregnant. I have an enlarged liver, I’m diabetic, I have herniated discs and more than enough I need to worry about in my own life that it’s about time I get some help from the father of my child. I shouldn’t HAVE to take on all of the stress of a child. We need to keep in mind that he was there and willing participated in creating this child too. I have been the one to do it all by myself whether I was sick, I was tired, even when I just plain old didn’t feel like it and I seriously have to start seeing some accountability. I know that I have started to see it in the past couple of months but we also don’t know for how long it will last either.

Even if he pays it consistently, I am still the one that has to make it all work. I’m the parent to be there when there’s no school, when she’s sick, and when there’s holidays and weekends. He’s 3 hours away. He’s always just going to be the fun parent. My daughter told me the other day, “Daddy’s more fun than you” and it’s like well yeah because he’s got a totally different life where he’s got different stuff going on. Being responsible for a child 24/7 and making sure she’s got a clean room, clothes to wear, dinner on the table, getting to appointments, having a bath every night, and always entertained is a helluva lot different than just being there when you decide to be.

I didn’t say that of course but as she gets older, she’s going to notice all of this. She’s going to understand that he’s basically just a fun big bother. He’s not there emotionally like a Dad should be. He’ll never fill the shoes that a Dad should. He just isn’t capable. It really does make me pretty sad when I think about it but I feel like as long as he starts somewhere and does what he can it is better than nothing but if he walks out this time, he’s going to have a helluva fight on his hands the next time he tries to come back around too. I really hope that this isn’t just a show for the girlfriend and then once that all goes to shit that he’ll just skip out on her again but if that’s what ends up happening, then he’ll play hell the next time.