Gone girl in 2023

I want to disappear.

Realistically I want to be with you, but I’m entirely too much of a coward to join you. I’m sure not a single person would blame me if I took my own life.

They would cast their eyes downward and sigh at the mention of my name, poor girl. But they wouldn’t blame me. Not after all this, and everything before.

It doesn’t matter though. With my luck, I’ll live til I’m 100. That’s a shocking thought … 60 years without you. Its been 88 days .. 60 more years??

I want to disappear.

I’ve already faded away. I watched it happen. I’ve watched everything happen since you left. Like an out of body experience .. watching the world go by - the sun rises and sets, the weather changes, people moving and swaying along the river of life but I got stuck in the reeds and gave up fighting the current .. I’ll just watch everyone float by.

I wish I could leave here. Maybe. Do I? I don’t know. I just want to be alone. Fully totally completely alone. I don’t want anyone to know me. See me. Hear me. I just want to disappear and exist somewhere that no one knows who I am. No one knows my past. My pain. No one knows my heartache.

I’ll still be a widow. I’ll always be a widow. But I don’t want to exist with the rest of the world anymore.

I day-dream about a tiny home somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Where I could have a wee garden and a few chickens, and my dogs of course. Where I didn’t have to see anyone, talk to anyone, acknowledge anyone. Where I could just .. wait .. until I see you again.

I’m so tired. So very tired of every single day being another day that I pretend I’m working through this grieving process and I’m getting better and I haven’t cried all day .. I just want to disappear.