06/30/23 in The Beginning

So here I am writing, in the early morning hours. Awake, fully alert, bored, and slightly on edge. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I tell myself that writing today is useless, I have nothing of interest to say. Yet, it’s become a habit of mine to write something every once in a few days. Just to show that I’m still alive. Yet again, nothing out of the ordinary.

I have always struggled with letting my thoughts run free where people can see. I put on a mask, I play the role of an actor. I can become anyone that I wish around everyone. No one truly knows who I am, for which I am ashamed of myself.

I am twenty now and yet I still force myself to put on an act around others. I don’t care what people think of me, yet deep down I fear rejection. To be laughed and pointed at by a crowd. It’s never happened, but deep down, I insist that it’ll happen someday.

I’ve never been a confident boy, I’ve always walked along a thin line of soaring highs and drowning lows. I feel as though I don’t belong in this world, that somewhere along the way I became in existence by accident. I took away a life that wasn’t suppose to be mine. Now I reap the consequences.

Despite it all, I love life. I love feeling the sun warm up my skin. I love the majestic blue oceans that surround me. I love continuing my knowledge on various historical, and philosophical topics. I am a sponge for knowledge. And good God, do I love food.