My little stroll to Mordor. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

It's like all the volume is turned down. I used to be able to walk into a crowded room and sense everything, feel everything. Let my ears reach out and hear each individual part of a conversation. I used to notice all of my surroundings. Common association has depression with that of sadness. It doesn't feel like that. I'm upset from Candi-related things, but the arching sadness of the previous weeks isn't there. Or isn't as strong.

Then again, I may just be congested and tired from this cold.

With everything going on, I'm actually giving myself a slight pass this week. I NEED to knock this cold in the butt. I draw strength from two years ago. Rereading entries does nothing for me, as they make it sound harder than I remember it. I mean. It WAS hard, it was VERY hard. But you know what I remember? I remember fighting. I remember struggling. I remember being sad, but I remember still getting shit done. I just resolved myself to what I needed to do, and did it. And that cumulative success wrought confidence that I would overcome.

It was hard and I still triumphed.

When I feel confident, sure of myself, and in control, I describe it as feeling like Neo. I'm aware of all my surroundings, I know what needs to be done, and I find a way to do it. This semester has been an exercise in botched plans. One step at a time.

I know I have issues, but personally, waking up and saying "I'm depressed!" does nothing for me. Does it help for ANYONE? You have to acknowledge it, on some level, to deal with it. But constantly confronting, "Oh crap, I'm depressed!" is rather depressing in its own right. I prefer to just focus on the positive outlook that I want to generate. Each situation requires its own rhetoric, its own story, its own mantra and battle cry. I haven't quite found it yet for this situation.

Acknowledge the demons, then slay them and plant my own flag upon their heads.

I remind myself that the most content I've felt is when I was busy as hell. There was a latent feeling that I was running myself ragged, being constantly on the run. But outrunning the demons seems to be the only way. It's far easier to outrun them when you haven't tripped in the mud on your way to Mordor.