Anti-Vision in Current Events

My dreams last night inspired me to start my novel first thing this morning. In the first dream, I visited Mae’s house. She was my childhood friend that passed away in our final year of high school. Her house was near mine, we used to walk to school together. Then my social anxiety took over my life and my attendance was too poor for those walks. Her house was remodelled, in my dream. It lost all of its character. It was the pastel pink house on the block with the white picket fence. In my dream, it was painted dark colours and renovated to look contemporary.

In the second dream, I was out in the woods with a lot of children that I was supervising. I was at a camp. My niece and nephew were there. We were losing the sun so my sister and I started walking back with them. We had to cross a little field and then go up to where the cabins were but my niece and nephew were scared. It was foggy and there were Halloween decorations out that scared them. I held Madalyn in my arms and my sister held Vincent. She was not the 7-year-old that she is today but the two-year-old that I was taking care of for my sister and her husband while they waited for her to start daycare. I was then the one who woke up with her and dropped her off at the daycare.

When she cries my heart bleeds. When any kid cries my heart bleeds. When they are in pain, physical or emotional. There is one day with her that I will never forget. Her father left to start his new job which takes him out of town for several weeks at a time. She also started at a new daycare that day as well. I believe it was also the first time I was the one who would be dropping her off. I had no idea that she understood what was going on but she spent the whole drive crying. When we pulled up to the daycare I could tell that she was having an anxiety attack. I couldn’t bring myself to just drop her off with a bunch of strangers. There was a creek next door to the building so I walked her there. I crouched down to her level and taught her how to breathe through it. I talked her through it. I held her through it. Once she calmed down I held her hand and walked her into the building. I was going to stay with her a bit but once she was in and saw all the kids and the toys she let go and took off.

The idea of kids not getting their needs met when they are hurt, scared and confused, breaks my heart. My imagination is so vivid that I will break my heart at the drop of a dime whenever I think about kids in the world who are stuck in hopeless situations. Who are stolen, trafficked, or in a war-torn country. Who have nobody to hold them and keep them safe. I can’t with humanity. We are so dumb and dense, we can’t do anything right. When I was a kid, I used to toss and turn at night thinking about this. I would wish for world peace. I would wish that I could help and save every single one of them.

When we made it to the cabins, in my area, I recognized that we were at the bible camp that my mother used to send us to. This is where I had the last of my reoccurring dream of me trying to fly. That dream happened right after my friend Mae passed away. This is where I always wanted to start my novel. So I started it.

Yesterday, my depression was off and on. Mostly on. I suspect that it will happen again today. Whenever I caught myself trying to curl up into oblivion I would will myself out of bed and try to do anything else. Even though my mind would make everything I do feel pointless I did it anyway. I found this three-hour compilation of Jordan Peterson giving motivational speeches and I let myself get lost in it.

I like what he had to say about self-esteem. He explains that it is a relatively new concept in psychology that he doesn’t agree with. We shouldn’t be comfortable with ourselves when we can be better. We should always want to be better.

I also came across a concept called anti-vision. It is exactly what I did in my previous entry. Instead of envisioning what you want, so to speak, imagine what the alternative is. What things would be if you didn’t push yourself toward your goals. Let that light a fire under your ass.

I didn’t leave the house yesterday. I really should have. I will make sure that I do it today. I did not work on any of my projects. I battled myself instead. I am going to take inventory of what all my obstacles are. I am going to take inventory of everything that was hurting me, internally. These are what I have buried beneath the surface. Whenever I think I am winning at being stoic and emotionally regulated the way men are supposed to be, something happens and it all comes up at once. What’s the opportunity? I can transmute these thoughts and emotions. I have a lot that I just need to accept. My body is aging, for starters. I am having that midlife crisis. My hairline is jacked up and busted. My hair is thinning. My roots are grown enough for me to see that I do have grays. My muscles are flabby and loose. I don’t have any wrinkles, yet. Not everybody gets to get old, this is a privilege. I need to accept it.

I also applied at a supplement store. I’m not that qualified, on paper, but I know that I am a good fit for it. If only I was good at manifesting. Of all the many places that I applied at this is the one I want.

I have a lot of ambition and no starting power. That is my problem. It’s written in my natal chart. I have all the ambition of a cardinal sign but all the starting power of a fixed sign. Fixed signs don’t like change. Mutable signs are very adaptable, I think this is why Virgos are amazing at being amazing. There is so much that I want to do. I want to get my doctorate in naturopathy. I want to open my own clinic. A centre, actually. A centre for everything holistic. It will also have a gym situation. It will host workshops on how to budget and shop for healthy foods. Workshops on how to pickle, ferment and meal plan/meal prep.

I also want to start a non-profit. It will reach out to indigenous communities and teach terrain theory to anyone who will listen. They can restore their ways of healing once they understand the principles of what actually causes disease. Between it all, I want to write novels. I want to blog and podcast about what I am witnessing in the world, both inside and outside of me. Having a family would be icing on the cake but I can’t even get a date so that’s a write-off.

I can blog about the process of all of it. One of the goals that I have which is more immediate and pressing, is to learn about investing. To learn about money, in general. I’m so bad at it. I have to start from scratch. I also need to start some online hustles. There is plenty of work online that can be done from home. A lot of them don’t take up your whole day either. Just a couple of hours.

The alternative is suffering in this positive feedback loop forever. Watching life pass me by. Living with the regrets of not doing anything special. Living with this pain and ache. I want to add healing to this world but that is a destructive process. We have to self-destruct so that we can Build Back Better, to borrow a phrase.

Anyway, I’m going to detox the depression away… ok, I know that’s not possible but I am going to do my detox routine and then try to outrun the depression attacks so that I can get things started. These baby steps are not good enough.