Adding on. in Since OD is shutting down....

I picked up my daughter and got her dinner at McDonald’s and then got some stuff from Dollar Tree. I cleaned quite a bit today and took a shower. It’s been pretty dark and rainy today. It’s raining pretty hard right now and brought a cat in. I know she likes to be outside but I’d rather her be in where she can be warm and dry tonight. My daughter said she’d rather have a bath in the morning which I don’t like because my back gives me a lot of problems in the morning but it is what it is. She hasn’t asked to call her Dad tonight which is nice because I don’t want to go through what we did last night.

Last night she got out of the bath and started crying talking about how she missed him so I text the girlfriend telling her that. He called and talked to her. We lost the call due to low signal so she thought he hung up on her. We called back a little while later and she talked to him some more. I’m glad she thinks so highly of her Dad but I know this is only going to last so long until it falls off again. I know I’m going to have to tell her that he’s always been the in and out guy and that’s why I don’t push for him to be in her life.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about CS and I’ve never been able to rely on him and I can’t start now. I know that I probably won’t see payments and that’s alright. I need to make a plan for my life and get things back on track. Whether he pays or not, it will only last for so long anyways. I wanted to say something to the girlfriend but it’s not her problem. It’s not her responsibility to make payments on his behalf nor is it going to help anything for me to aid in making problems in their relationship. If she wants to be with a deadbeat after she had kids with one, that’s on her.

I will say it’s pretty obnoxious how she kept trying to send me money over Facebook pay last week and now this week, there’s not been any mention of sending a payment through the CS website. I don’t plan to say a word because all that does is let him know that he’s still able to get under my skin and I refuse to give him that. He knows that he has an obligation to his child and if he’s not willing to uphold that, I just hope that at some point in our lifetime that all of this catches up to him. That’s all I can do but it’s not going to help me to sit around and stew about it. I’ve gone literal years without seeing a dime and I’m sure I’ll continue doing that.

Surely by now he’s convinced her to not send payment for one reason or another but I’ll continue being the bigger person by letting them take her because if I don’t then I’m hurting my child. I also won’t say anything about money because then he can say he has to ‘pay’ to see her and I’m not going to give him that. I have seen so many women on Tik Tok crying their eyes out because they are in the exact same situation that I’m in and I gotta say, it’s fucking awful. I don’t feel that I have a lot of say in any of this but I do have say where my emotions are concerned and I will keep myself in check and not allow him to get the reactions that he wants. That’s why MY power is.

I wouldn’t be surprised if said something about payment and she said they were waiting on the modification but that has absolutely NOTHING to do with what he currently owes nor is it going to stop child support! The modification is going to increase the amount he responsible for paying and he is still going to owe the arrears. I’m not going to give them the chance to say something to get me triggered so I react. I’m to the point where I’d rather he not pay it and just hope he gets picked up on his warrant and he can face whatever he’s going to end up facing. I’ve tried to be as decent as I can be in this. The bible says, “where mercy is shown, mercy is given” but he’s never shown me even a fucking ounce of mercy and I’ve shown him plenty.

In my opinion, the modification is pointless because he still won’t ‘have’ to pay it. He’s currently living in a place where they can’t enforce. He’s also working under the table so the amount won’t be increase to what it should be increased to. He’ll still get a free pass in that sense as well. It’s a pretty maddening situation but I’ll bite my tongue and continue to do right for my daughter’s benefit. I’d just like to see this guy get his ass handed to him. Hopefully that’ll happen at some point where it’ll actually benefit me so that I’m able to get my life going where it’s going to get my daughter and myself in a good place.

I was feeling really depressed earlier today before I picked up my daughter. I’m very upset that I really don’t have a support system. It’s a lot harder on me that I realize. I figure out a lot of shit on my own because I have to. I’m angry that my Mom isn’t able to be much of a Mom because she has to give all of her focus to my Dad. The emotional toll all of this has taken on me hits hard sometimes and it’s worse when I have to keep it all bottled up and there’s not anyone to really turn to. I have a couple of friends but they are both pretty far away and they have plenty of their own problems to deal with. I don’t want to constantly burden them with the same issues.

It’s crazy just how much someone else’s actions can have so much bearing on your life. Your mental health suffers. Your finances are affected. They get to walk around completely scot free. His girlfriend sent a snap chat yesterday of him out fishing. Just little stuff like that. I have never had the freedom he does and that is never something he’s ever stopped to think about. I would love to move and don’t have the money. I have to constantly worry about my car breaking down because it’s old with a lot of miles on it and possibly be walking with my daughter again where he wouldn’t give a fuck like before.

I don’t know how I’ll keep my mouth shut but I have to because it’s not going to help by him knowing that this bothers me. That would be letting him win. I won’t give him that too. Not only does he get to leave me high and dry but then let him have the joy in watching me spiral isn’t the prize I want him to receive. I just have to keep figuring it out for my kid and I but hopefully it won’t interfere when they feel like taking her. I guess. That could happen though. There’s only so much I can do by myself. I don’t feel like ANYONE understands that because it isn’t them.

I will say that if payments don’t happen, I won’t be as friendly or communicative. My responses will be two words and delayed by hours or days. I will make sure it’s noticed that I’ll become a totally different vibe than before. It won’t make a difference but I’ll have seriously strict boundaries and make sure it’s noted that we aren’t friends. I don’t get to have a life due to money and this shit has affected me so I don’t care how it ends up affecting them or their lives either. Fuck them.