The Passion of Nursing in The Life Of A Nurse

There is just no way to convey what a nurse really does. I spent 12.5 hours of my 13 hour shift today at the bedside of my patient, within arms reach and constantly attentive to the relentless and critical things he needed to stay alive. He received an organ transplant overnight and while I started my shift in the OR with the staff as the final steps were taken to place & secure the organ, that was only about two hours of my long day. The rest were spent back in the ICU, titrating drips, raising and lowering his blood pressure with medications, managing swings in his temperature, keeping him comfortably but not too deeply sedated, calming him as the paralyzing OR drugs wore off, updating his family, drawing labs and interpreting if those results meant tweaks in his ventilator settings or the need for electrolyte replacement or adjustments in the continuous dialysis machine that purred smoothly next to his bed. I did the work of his brain, his heart, his kidneys, his liver and his lungs as he was too sick and unstable to manage them on his own. I do all of this in stride now, confident after two years of ICU experience and over seven as a nurse, but it still amazes me. This job still humbles and empowers me, every single day.

I write this not to brag or boast, not to make my job seem more important than anyone else's or more difficult. I write entries like this because I want to share what nurses do behind the curtain, when we escort the family members out, what we do all day when it's only those of us in scrubs doing our work. There is a 'secret truth' to any profession and one of my missions in life is to enlighten the world at large about what nurses do every single day that may be overlooked, missed or mistaken.

There is no way to be a good nurse without being emotionally invested in your patients. You can do this job fundamentally with good technical skills, excellent time management and a quick mind but those things truly make superb doctors but not necessarily superior nurses. While doctors pride themselves on their brains first and foremost, nurses pride ourselves in our hearts. Caring is the root of this job. We are drawn to it because of the time spent bedside - not in a lab, not in a chart, not in a procedure area. Enjoying the time spent holding a hand, comforting a fear, explaining a confusion, demystifying the beeps & buzzes & blaring alarms are paramount to doing this job well. We are superior clinicians who can decipher lab results & know protocols & place IVs or catheters & utilize medications for end results but what makes a nurse a nurse is our bedside presence and prioritization of patient comfort over treatment of disease. We're pulled to this profession like a moth to a flame because of the ever present need and drive to be a patient advocate, a guide through the hardest part of their lives, an escort from sickness to recovery and sometimes illness to comfortable & dignified death.

Death is not a loss to nurses. While many may view choosing to end curative treatment as a failure or a breakdown in 'the system', I've always felt a certain draw to patients at this time in their lives. We will all die, whether we advance science and technology at lightyear speeds or not, and accepting inevitabilities eases the transition for everyone involved. Oftentimes the fight to delay it or push it away is more cruel than the actual passing & assisting a patient with a comfortable, dignified, safe & quiet death is a gift unlike any other part of my job. I will find myself in hospice/end of life care at some point in my career as it is the most 'home' I've ever felt and the most comfortable I've ever been. I thrive on the stress, adrenaline, intensity and fast pace of the ICU right now but it won't be that way forever. At some point my body too will struggle to go at this speed and my bones will ache and my feet will fight back and I will know my time has come. I don't see my mind or my heart giving out on the rigors of the ICU but my body will. When that happens, I'll find my way to a serene little care facility where the goals shift from aggressive & seemingly limitless resources for the continuation to life towards dignity. Quiet, peaceful, calm, respectful, empowered, beautiful, kind dignity. Some day. :)

For now however, and for many years to come, I will stay in the ICU. I will work these 13 hour days where my butt doesn't see a chair and my abdomen aches from a swollen bladder and I pour out every bit of my focus and my attention and myself to help people who are sicker than sick and who would have died only a few years ago. I will use every medical advance we have, every bit of technology to fight back against illness, disease and the passage of time. I will use my brain in ways I never knew it could be, stretch my heart so big I fear it may burst sometimes and know down to the tiniest cell and particle of who I am that I make a difference and bettering lives. I will try until my dying day to explain why this job is so much more than a profession, why these patients demanding all of me is not a burden but a blessing, why I'm happier here than almost anywhere else on this planet.

Passion is a fire within, a calling and purpose that doesn't ask to be followed but demands it. I am passionate about this work, continually fighting against the 'compliant nurse' vs 'powerful doctor' stereotypes, refusing to be 'just' a nurse or be pushed to the back corner or silenced because I 'only' have a four year degree. I am always endlessly constantly hoping that I can change even one mind that what nurses do matters and not just from a touchy feely, emotional perspective but from a scholarly & learned one. I hope I can be the nurse people think of when they visit a hospital and are scared, that I can be a light in a confusing and complex world. I hope I can mold the young doctors I meet into viewing nurses as part of the team - and not just a part but a peer, an equal, a respected & valuable asset.

My calling in this life is to be completely present with every single patient, to take on their story and their stresses and lighten them the best way I can. I will give my mind & my body, without question or complaint, as long as I am able. I identify as a nurse before almost anything else because I carry that title with the privilege and respect I wish to embody to others. Even after 13 hour days on my feet, even after hours spent going so fast they feel like minutes, even after I try and fail to summarize what we do time and time again, I know I will always find purpose and pleasure in this job. Life is short, often far shorter than we ever realize, and finding work that gives us more back than we could ever give it is one of the greatest blessings. So I will rest these next few days after a tough weekend of work, refueling my spirit with puppy snuggles and husband kisses and rubbing this growing belly of mine, and I will go back next weekend ready to happily give it all again. There is no end to the need for what I do and as long as I am able, I will give it all I've got.

Last updated August 18, 2014