Lord, Hear Me Now. in Meeting Mr. Jesus Christ

The week has been long and very stressful for me. This song soothes my brain, though I'm not entirely certain why I'm relieved it does. I need to decompress.

I managed to overload my behind with activity every day this week, it was good activity, satisfying, just more than my body is presently willing to take on and I am in a mild state of denial regarding the truth of how I feel most days. At the end of the day or the early hours of my morning I am put on notice I have limits that I try to hard to deny. It's not working out for me and I need to quit playing head games with myself.

Here's a truth, most days I ignore the treatment process is growing ever nearer. Some days I can't shake it off my mind. I'm human. I have faith and I have fear.

Last week I joined the Women On Mission team at church. I know it is awful to say but I regret it already. It took a year but finally I landed smack in the middle of those who squabble and bicker over political power, among all six of them. I won't last. Not my game nor my interests. I feel odd, however, saying "not for me".

Helped a friend get moved into affordable housing a few days ago, not the nicest, but affordable. Received a call tonight the house is full of people smoking, drinking and using drugs of all sorts. That is a very distressing discovery, so tomorrow a team of people will begin to help get this person moved to safer location.

It wasn't long after that phone call I realized much of what has me feeling off kilter is the lack of consideration for our fellow humans. I'm a big believer in do unto others and I am kind almost all the time. I don't expect kindness in return, but I sure welcome it, and to be frank I'm too soft.

Last year I ran into some personal problems, took them out on a friend and in the end discovered the need for God to break my hard heart. I prayed to the Lord for months and one day found my prayer more answered than I understood it would be. I sobbed for months, everything hurt my heart, especially seeing others suffer. Now I can't say I'm over feeling broken in that way, just not as weepy. I still feel compassion deeply and move quickly when I feel God calling me to His work.

Where I still need work is drawing the line between compassion and feeling angered at those who abuse the vulnerable. My heart is so very tender. I doubt I'm different thinking those who abuse children, disabled, seniors, homeless and the like need to given severe consequences for their behavior.

There is the crux of my hurt tonight. Too much hurt this week. Of course there was the death of Robin William's, which was painfully personal to me. The shootings in St. Louis, no matter what position you choose, it remains wrong for so many children to be loosing their lives. Here I live in the ONLY city second to St. Louis for the violent crime, killing and all the two cities are notorious for. It breaks my heart and I want to run away from such horrors. But this is real life, we can't run away. ISIS is steady destroying my brother and sister Christians, reminding me too closely of the WWII Hitler era.

God, my heart hurts tonight.

Lord, come quickly!

Last updated August 18, 2014