Slouching Towards A Sense of Ease and Connection in Everyday Ramblings

Earlier this year, when things were so troubling with my oldest sister’s health and all of our available emotional and financial resources focused towards her the idea was presented to me that maybe I could use some psychological counseling.

I have periodically availed myself of this throughout my adult life and did find having a social worker to talk to during Mr. Finch’s illness particularly helpful. I had one and he had one and between the four of us lots of difficult things got done and I felt supported.

Counselors are people first and foremost and some are better than others at their jobs. Some of you might remember the insane making La La up at the VA. :)

Also gnawing at me has been this sense of aloneness, the loss of such deep companionship and ease that I earned with the bird guy.

I could always use the fact that I was just overweight enough to be unattractive as an excuse not to get myself out there in the world of boy meets girl.

But I am not overweight anymore.

And I know I have a lot to offer.

I kept thinking that if I was going to work with a counselor it would be on the practicalities of making connections in the interpersonal realm. This is particularly difficult for me as such a profound introvert.

As I was pondering this all, something kept occurring to me. Maybe it is a cop out, an avoidance mechanism, a convoluted form of denial, but the answer seems to me, not to be found in a chair across a room with a stranger keeping a professional distance but inside me.

That I need to find the deep abiding connection with my higher self, the Self, that is more than me but contains me and in finding that fit, that support that relief all the rest will fall into place.

This is what I have been slowly working on all summer in reading and writing and thinking and meditating and in my yoga practice.

I am beginning to sense a kind of ease that was not there before; a confidence and even happiness in the midst of my sadness over losing Sammy and my seemingly selfish state after so much care giving.

This is all still tenuous as I feel my way along these dark corridors of the path not often taken. But on days like today when I see sparks of insight and understanding I have hope and am content.

A few years ago I participated in a crowd fund of a documentary about the amazing American poet W.S. Merwin. The movie is now finished and Kes and I watched the inspirational, moving and gorgeous film festival version yesterday afternoon.

Here is a trailer

He is a humble passionate man and a great poet. His only real advice is to find your passion and follow it wherever it leads.

So say we all.