Good Weekend. in Since OD is shutting down....

It's been an exceptional weekend. My brother wasn't too needy with me hanging out with them and I was able to get in a lot of sleep, relaxing and cleaning my house before my schedule gets crazy hectic again. I can't believe that summer is almost over. It went way too damn fast! I don't remember the last time I felt summer had flown by like this! I'm glad to be getting back to school though. My lady from my school never did call back but I need to drop one more class. They said as long as I drop it before school starts, my financial aid shouldn't be delayed. I really hope not because I have to buy books and shit.

It's only 11 am and the reason why I'm up so early is because I went to bed earlier last night then I normally do so I was able to get up earlier today. I'm annoyed that I got my schedule and they still have me on for next Sunday and that's not gonna to work for me. I want the weekend off before school starts so that I can just relax and what not. They just aren't understanding that I can't be there all the fucking time anymore. Not only do I want to get enough sleep, but I'm incredibly burnt out being there all the time.

My friend that I work with said she'd come with me to the concert Tuesday night if I bought her ticket and she would pay me back later but there's no fucking way I'm going to pay for someone's ticket just so that I have someone to come with me! Fuck that! I am annoyed that I don't have anyone to come along but I'm not going to pay someone's way either! I know that she'd more than likely not pay me back and I don't want to have to work with someone knowing that they owe me money and I can't really say anything because she's a manager!

I'm actually pretty excited about the concert. I wanted to buy a new outfit for it but ended up only getting a really pretty shirt because the only jeans they had were skinny jeans and I just can't rock those!! It's going to be a fun time whether I go by myself or not! I'm not going to miss out on my one and only chance to have fun before school starts because there's no one to come with me. I plan on going and just doing my own thing. I almost want to post an ad on CL asking if there's anyone else going that wouldn't mind hanging out with me or something. Naw, IDK. There's just too many fucking creepers in this town.

Anyways, I got a bunch of cleaning done yesterday but still need to vacuum and do some laundry today before work. I need to shower and get ready for the day. It's just been such a relaxing weekend that I'm not ready for it to be over. I have really enjoyed just being able to hang out at home, lay around, sleep, and just do my own thing. I don't think I've had this much of a relaxing weekend in a long time and it's just been incredibly nice.

My Mom called yesterday wanting to borrow $10 and to see if they could still get that TV. I had told her no on the money and she was like, "no?" and I was like, "yeah, no" and then she was like, "well did you want some money for that tv or......???" and I said no all together because she had hung up on the last weekend. I just can't seem to get through to her that I'm done having unhealthy one-sided relationships. The truth is, my parents don't like me, don't have a lot of respect for me and don't want anything to do with me unless they are getting something out of it. They don't make effort to be in my life until they need something and that's complete bullshit to be treated that way!

My Mom has always told me what a fucking bitch I am and honestly, has always said more negative then positive so that's why I never understand why she contacts me regardless if it's for money or not. I just feel like if I was that bad, they would stay the fuck away from me for good! I just don't get how she thinks she can call me a fucking bitch and still expect me to help them out?! Like my family is such a fucking joke and that's why I'm so glad that I don't live with them and they can't hold anything over my head if I don't give them money!

I just don't think my parents were ever taught what healthy relationships are and that's why they don't know how to have any with people. They don't want anything to do with anyone unless people are offering them money or help. I just don't get how they can be the way they are and not understand why people keep them at a distance. I know that it's better for me to not have much to do with them but it still sucks. It sucks to know that I don't have a Mom or a Dad but I know it's not because of anything I've done or because I haven't tried hard enough. Up until 2 or 3 years ago, I tried so hard to have a relationship with them and after it being clear as day that they don't want anything to do with them unless I'm giving them stuff, I learned to just accept that I have to just let it be where it's at. I also think it's bullshit how I can go weeks without talking to them and then finally talk to them and within a couple of hours, receive a text asking to borrow money! They just don't get that I don't want to have to give them money to have a relationship with them?!

I think about how little my parents have done for me and the way they've treated me my whole life and just couldn't imagine ever having kids and treating them the same way and if I did, I would understand when they stayed the fuck away from me!!! I'm going to change the subject before I get grumpy and it ruins my day.

Anyways, my back hurts some on the right side and has for like a week. I think I popped a rib out or something but if I sit or lay in the same position for too long, it fucking hurts like a mofo. I also wore the wrong fucking shoes on Thursday and my feet are still killing me. I also want to start trying to eat a little bit more healthy but just don't know how to go about it. I know I can eat healthy when I'm at home but when I'm at work and don't get a break, by the time I eat I just cram whatever into my mouth and not care how unhealthy it is. I just don't know how to break this cycle because I don't get an actual break at my job. Again, I need a new job but nothing's happened just yet. I'm just hoping that going down to 4 days a week is going to be a big help mentally. I've just been putting in way too many hours and I just feel really annoyed and burnt out.

I just took a shower and put the laundry in. It wasn't as big of a load as I originally thought but it's stuff that needs to be washed. It's saddens me that I have to go back to work in like 3 hours but glad to be making money. I want to buy some soda stream flavors and girl code season 2 on dvd.

There's also something else I've been thinking about. I almost want to deactivate my Facebook because I'm so fucking sick of reading everyone's depressing, negative status updates. A lot of the people that post that shit really don't have it that bad and are just looking for attention or whatever and it just gets old. I know that I've posted shit like that too but I just wish people would choose to be happy instead of fucking miserable all the time.

After what I went through a year ago with losing my boyfriend and essentially losing my car, I realize that I want to be happy and I may have my moments or even whole days where I feel like giving up but I try to be a lot more optimistic about things and just try to be the best person I can be and hope the right people or person will come along and see it. I finally see it in myself and will not ever let anyone make me feel anything less. I went through so much heartbreak, sadness, tears, depression, anger and confusion that now I just try not to let things get to me like I did then.

My problem is that I try so hard to not be negative but once I get in a bad mood, I'm the most negative person I know. It's frustrating because I know I don't have it that bad but some days, I just get so frustrated with my job and bills and my weight that it's hard to see that things will get better. My weight is at an all time high and I need to change it, I just don't know how to go about it. My diet is fucking terrible. It drives me crazy that I'm so big especially when I worked so hard to lose all that weight and now it's back and then some. I just want to have a body that I can be proud of and feel completely comfortable with and I'm just not there.

I know that I still have a lot of issues that I need to work on, face, and deal with before considering a new relationship. I don't want a new guy to be punished and suffer for what other people have done. For me, I've done plenty of suffering too for what other people have done and I never want to be that person that ends up alone because I can't just let the past be the past. Just because one guy or even two was abusive and mean to be doesn't mean the next one will be and if he is, he'll be out the door quicker than shit too. I've spent much of my life letting people mistreat me all because I didn't want to be alone or because of whatever reason and I just refuse to let people dump on me any more.

I'm not where I wanna be but I thank God I'm not where I used to be. Fuck I remember this time last year I was still babysitting, just broke up with my ex and felt so alone and broken. I don't feel so broken anymore and actually feel...hopeful. I remember just sitting here in my apartment every day being bored, lonely, scared to death that my car was going to break down and terrified that things were never going to change. I'm so grateful that I'm in a better place and feel bad that I don't always show my gratitude, especially at work.

I know that things aren't as great as I'd like them to be but I also know they could be way worse too. I know all too well how much worse they can be and I try to keep that in mind when I'm having a bad day at work. I know that when my old car broke, it would change everything. I just knew it and I was right. I didn't want to be right. I also knew when I lost my ex, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I actually didn't lose him because ya can't lose what you never had but not having him around to belittle me and treat me like I was nothing is such a blessing. I knew he was no good for me and I'm grateful that I finally fell out of love with him and finally accept that I deserve WAY more than what he gave me. It makes me sick when I think of how little he gave me and how much work I put in to keep us together and fought every day to even hear his voice on the phone when I shouldn't have had to do any of that.

It's better to be alone than be with someone who doesn't appreciate you and doesn't care to be an active part of your life. I completely understand that now. It was just ridiculous how he thought it was perfectly acceptable for him to never be around and I will NEVER allow some guy to pull that shit on me again. I had never worked so hard in my whole life to see or spend time with someone and I will NEVER again put that much effort into it because it's obviously not what they want. I was basically trying to turn a man whore into the marrying kind. I was trying to change someone who already had his mind made up that he just wanted a sexual relationship and I was so stupid.

I don't know, I just think I have issues with rejection and abandonment. I just wish I would have realized this shit when him and I met because it probably would have saved me a shit ton of tears and heartache. It's like I've just wanted to find someone so bad that I overlooked even the biggest things just because I didn't want to be alone. I knew the way he treated me was bullshit but I just hoped and prayed he would realize I was for real and would start treating me better but the more hopeful I tried to be, the meaner he became. I understand his past and his insecurities are what prevented him from truly falling for me but I still believe if he would have been more honest in the beginning about the way he felt on the inside, we could have just been friends and I could have saved my heart some shame and embarrassment. He always talked about having a wall up and it pissed me off because I had just came out of a VERY abusive relationship when him and I met so he didn't think I had a fucking wall up too?! I think in this day and age, EVERYBODY has a wall up.

Anyways, got the laundry done and dressed. Just waiting to head to work. I need to put my contacts in and maybe a little bit of makeup. I'm hoping it's an easy night at work and I make a good chunk of cash.

It's raining so I need to figure out what shoes I'm going to wear. I can't wear my green ones because they don't have a lot of tread and I don't to fall. I have a new pair but I just think they are super uncomfortable and the other pair that are super comfortable are extremely ugly. UGH. I hate this.

Time for work.