No reaction. in Since OD is shutting down....

I was pretty pissed last night that again I have no help here and there’s always a constant reminder. I didn’t sleep well because of my back pain. They said it would gradually get better which it has but I still struggle quite a bit. I just hate when I’m super tired but the back pain keeps me up at night.

We’ve done breakfast and I’ve cleaned up the kitchen. I’ve been watching stuff on Hulu on my phone and my daughter is watching tv. Private number keeps calling and I bet I can take a wild guess who that is. I refuse to answer private calls. I don’t get to know who you are so you don’t need to be calling me. I’m a single Mom and I accept that but he’s also going to accept that he won’t be seeing her for Father’s Day when he refuses to be a Dad to her as well.

There’s this guy that I’ve been talking for about 3 days. He seems pretty nice but is a total mess. I definitely feel for him though. He’s been in the Army and is now in like a residential living place due to having issues with PTSD. I’m concerned with how rude he can get over the smallest things and I can tell he’s pretty convinced that I’m out to try and use him for money. I’ve already become kinda cold where I take hours to respond to messages and have made it pretty clear that I’m not sure if I’m looking for a relationship. He said his previous relationships didn’t work out because they couldn’t handle seeing him be depressed and down all the time and I honestly don’t think I could handle it either.

I think there’s just too much trauma and mental problems in the world for any relationship to actually work. I realize that I’m kind of a trainwreck for different reasons and that’s why I’d rather just have friends because I know that I have plenty that I need to work on before I even want to consider having a boyfriend. I’m also just too fucking old for the bullshit. I have a lot that I need to figure out and I don’t need any type of distractions. I just don’t get how these men start off super sweet to reel you in and within hours or even a day, it changes significantly, it’s fucking weird and downright mind boggling how fast the mask drops.

He has already shown to have issues with boundaries such as asking for pictures even when I told him I don’t like the way I look and don’t actually have a lot of photos of myself. I told him that I am a single Mom and went through a high risk pregnancy alone where he still had the audacity to ask if I wanted more kids. I remember when I was young and how I was so lonely that I would just ignore these red flags and now I know to just ghost them. Like there’s a big part of me that’s super glad I made the choice to make sure I can’t have any more kids because there’s just too many men that I would never want to be caught up with.

I have ADHD so my attention span is pretty short so I tend to lose interest pretty fast but these men give me plenty of reasons to. So many of them like to send unsolicited dick pics, test boundaries, snap at me over stupid shit, or just manage to piss me off with their selfishness so I bounce out real quick. I don’t ever put forth much effort because they fuck it up long before you even consider meeting them face to face. I just want to know what is so hard about treating people with respect and not letting the mask drop so quickly. Like God damn.

The guy seemed pretty decent at first but I remember asking about some of his pictures on Facebook and him saying something about he felt I was just trying to use him for money and I asked about him driving semis where he was like oh you don’t have anything to say about that? Um, no because you are making me uncomfortable and I honestly don’t know what the fuck to say? I didn’t know I had the motive to begin with! I also don’t understand why men tell you that they are pulling down thousands a month and then accuse you of using them for money?! I never fucking asked and I don’t expect ANYONE to help me in any kind of way!!!

I feel like there’s a really good chance that I would just end up arguing with this guy so I’m going to just end up blocking him. There’s no sense in continuing contact because he’s already severely pissed me off. I don’t ask people for money, I don’t even let the conversation with anyone go there so where that is even coming from is absolutely fucking nuts. I understand it’s probably happened to him but I refuse to be punished for it. I really think people need to heal themselves before ever trying to even talk to others because hurt people, hurt people.

And yes, I am fully aware that I have issues and I know what each and every single of them are. I have been told that I’m aware of my own bullshit and I think that’s probably the best compliment I’ve ever gotten. I do my very best every day to work on myself and be the best person I can be for my child. As much as I’d like to have a person to get to know and spend time with, it’s just not in the cards right now and that’s completely okay.

There was a video on Tik Tok about how narc relationships are very lonely. I know that because I’ve been more lonely in every relationship I’ve been in more than I’ve ever been single. There’s just too many broken, damaged men for me to even try anymore. I really want to a friend. Just someone to get to know and see what I’m getting myself into. It’s annoying that men just want things to move way too fast. What is so wrong with getting to know someone?! I don’t want to be in a committed relationship without knowing them first.

Any time I start talking to someone, I’m quickly reminded why it’s so much easier to just stick to myself. Loneliness is so much easier to cope with than bullshit. It’s also annoying how this guy snapped at me for asking simple questions. It’s like they want to gradually break you down and make sure you are just walking mess. Nah, I have been through that. I want someone who actually treats me like I matter. My feelings matter. The way they talk to me matters. I think I’ve taken enough of this shit in the past that I won’t sign up to take it from anyone now.