Whatever! in Since OD is shutting down....

I got my kid to school this morning and then did breakfast. I got some stuff at the store. I needed cat food and cat litter. I picked up some food as well to get us through the weekend because I hate going when it’s super busy and I don’t like taking my kid with me so hopefully we won’t have to go on the busiest days. I made fajitas for lunch and took a shower.

I decided to check that filthy website where he said him and his ‘play partner’ were going out tonight and I was immediately enraged. I am pretty sure that he never left and the address he gave me to where he was supposedly staying was bogus to throw off CS. I really don’t even think there’s a job at this point and if there is, it’s probably part time and under the fucking table.

I’m angry that I get to take care of a child by myself every single day whether I’m sick, in pain, stressed out or just plain old don’t feel like it while he gets to run around with this woman finding other people to sleep with. I’m angry that I wanted so desperately to believe everything he told me and all of it was a lie once again.

Nothing is every going to change. Until I’m able to get a job, I’ll never be able to get out of this spot. I sit here by myself every single day and the loneliness is tearing me apart. I just worry about how this shit affects my kid. It’s bullshit that my mental health is never considered and neither is hers. All he cares about is pleasing himself and he doesn’t give a fuck who he hurts, including his own child. I have never seen someone who can just lie so effortlessly and not ever face any recourse for it.

I called CS several times today and never did reach my caseworker. I left a message a couple of days ago and never heard back. I would just like to know if there’s a new job for them to start garnishing his wages. Any indication that he’s going to be held accountable would be fucking awesome. I want to start planning to get my life in order because all I do is sit around and worry about money and our future.

It’s just astounding how selfish a person can really be. I understand that I’m the Mom and I’ll always be held in a much higher regard than him and I’ll never have the freedom he has but I have absolutely none at all and that’s part of the reason I block him. I don’t like feeling that he just throws his freedom in my face. I like having him blocked because then I can just forget about him and even when I get angry, I’m not nearly as angry as when I deal with him.

I’ve been the one to get up early for the past 3 years to get her ready and get her off to school while he sleeps off his hangover. I’ve been the one to pay for childcare to work like a dog while he’s played video games. I’m the one to stay single and put my daughter first while he’s made everything and everyone a priority over her. I’m the one to pay for her birthday every year while he buys people drinks at the bar. I’m the one to sacrifice my sanity and ‘me time’ while he gets to sleep all day. I’m the one to do her laundry and clean her room while he gets to worry about finding pussy.

It’s just hard to not get salty sometimes. I’m pissed off but I do remain grateful that I give my daughter a better life than what my parents gave me. I’m grateful that we have a home, a car, food in the fridge, clothes on our backs and she has something to do this Summer. I’m grateful for what we do have because it could be a lot worse. I just worry about never being able to work because I don’t have a village. I don’t have anyone I can count on if I needed it. I’m angry that I could end up single for the rest of my life because of my own trauma. I worry all the time that I don’t give my kid as much as I could.

I’m going to play on my phone and try to get some sleep.